Shouldn't this be enough?

[DogViper]

I am fortunate enough to have been paid roughly £120k in the last year to do a job which I enjoy. Part of my income is commission and bonuses, which are hugely variable depending on how well the business is doing, and this is the lowest my total income has been for a while. There have been several years recently when it was as high as £250k.

I'm happy in my job. I've always known there would be good years and bad years, that's the way things are in my industry, sometimes things are just quiet. I honestly don't think jumping ship now would be a good idea financially, though I'll admit my judgement may be clouded by the fact that I like my current job and get on with the people I'm working with.

My wife sees it differently. She thinks the stuff about good years and bad years is bullshit. If they've paid me £250k in the past then I can find a new job that pays at least that much even in a bad year, and I am a mug to keep working for these people when they've cut my pay. She insults me and tells me I'm lazy and lacking ambition.

Meanwhile, she works full time running her own business, which consistently runs at a small loss. She could go and work for someone else and probably make about £40k, but she wouldn't be happy working for someone else, which I suppose is fair enough. And as she keeps reminding me, the other things she wants to spend the money on - things like home improvements and school fees - are not frivolous.

I have not had any meaningful say in any of these decisions. My salary comes in, she decides what we're going to spend it on. I don't agree that her business is viable, but I have to fund it anyway. And help her to run it.

We should be feeling fortunate and enjoying life. Instead, she feels permanently disappointed, and I am wondering how the hell I'm going to pay for everything. If you're thinking that's a outrageous thing for me to say when I'm being paid three times the national average and a lot of people are struggling to pay the rent, then you're probably right, and I'm sorry.

Anyway. AIBU to think that £120k a year should be enough?

Your wife is an absolute arse, and you've been way too tolerant for too long!

You need to stop funding her to fail at her business and she needs to bring money to the table instead of criticising your earnings

You are supposed to be on one team. She isn't being a team player

Have you sat down and agreed a budget and your financial plan?

On the face of this your dw sounds unreasonable, but I wonder if there's another side? If she's thinking your dc will be going to private school and the pay difference means they can't, that's definitely something to talk about, if both of you have the option to take a higher paid job. Or is it that you are happy with state options and only she isn't?

Obviously 120k is a great salary and should be enough, but if she's right that you could easily earn twice this, I do actually think that's something to discuss. Just as I think there's space to discuss her work situation and it's impact on the family.

Is the issue that your values aren't aligned?

She's being very unreasonable. Maybe it's time to take back some control. For a start it's probably time that you pulled the plug on her business which is really more of a hobby. 120k is an excellent salary as I'm sure you know. You need to reinforce that this is the norm, anything else is a bonus. It's easy to live up to our income.

As to whether £120k is enough depends on what your outgoings are, and also what the norm is for your profession and the 'effort' you have to put in, ie long hours, travel etc.

If you have high outgoings and/or carry on spending as if you earn £250k during £120k years then obviously that's a very quick route to financial disaster.

But you'll be well aware that it's far higher than the majority of people earn and just because it's possible to spend it all on 'worthy' things like home improvements and school fees, doesn't mean that you're not well off.

But a business that doesn't make a profit is not a business it's a hobby and your DW is a fool to carry on with it when she could earn £40k and receive pension contributions by being employed.

You don't 'have' to help fund it or run it. You are doing your share as far as earning money is concerned. She also needs to do hers. She needs to turn her business round so that she's earning at least £20-30k this tax year and if not, she needs to close or pause it and get a job, especially as her earning more will be the best way to increase the household income, as you're in the position where you'll lose nearly half your income in tax, whereas she will keep a lot bigger percentage of what she earns.

Your wife’s being completely unreasonable.

If shes so worried about bringing more income in, well then she needs to look at the earning target than expecting you to bankroll her vanity project - sorry business.

Why should you leave a well paid role you enjoy when she’s not prepared to do something that brings money into the household?

She is financially abusing you or at least well on the path to that. You need some hard talks about equality in decision making and what you bring to the relationship. Yes 120k is plenty.

Can I also just say that it's pleasing that, so far, no-one has assumed that you're a man and, as a consequence of this, that you're BU, even though the situation described in the OP indicates that your wife is the unreasonable one here. Quite refreshing

Exactly what I was thinking! However, this is Mumsnet so I'm sure those posters will pile on shortly.....

She seems to think I could easily earn more by jumping ship, I think I'm better off sticking with the team I'm with and things will improve in due course. Either of us could be wrong.

Why does she get to do a 'job' she enjoys but you can't? She can't make you leave, so don't. If she wants more money to fund her lifestyle she should get a job.

She doesn't have a business, she has an expensive hobby. If she wants to spend like you still make 250K, then she can get a job to make up the difference.

I'm tempted to talk to some recruiters and see what's out there. Thing is, it's a small industry and everyone knows each other, and if my boss finds out I'm looking elsewhere he'll be justifiably annoyed. So that option is not without risk.
Also I can't help feeling like the real issue my wife has with this job is that it's one of the few areas of my life where she's not in charge.

Your wife needs to stop expecting you to find her failing business and get a proper job.

Your wife is being massively unreasonable and she sounds very controlling to me.

120k is a good salary (I know you sometimes get more, but even just working on the 120k it's good).

I am also a big believer that being happy at work is worth an awful lot. You like your workplace and team - we spend a lot of time at work and unless there is good reason, I would not want to move from somewhere I was happy.

If she wants more coming into the household, she can ditch the business that isn't making any money and go get a job.

As an aside, have you considered whether you want to remain in this relationship? I would certainly be having doubts if it were me.

I suppose one question is could you earn more by moving? In such a small industry I am thinking you have a pretty good idea?
I find places are pretty good at benchmarking so I would doubt your T&C at another place would be better....your base may be better but you probably wouldn't get nearly as much in bonuses etc.
If jobs were out there you would have been head hunted by now. And a job where you earn more in bonuses and commission is surely more ambitious than one with good base pay.

*fund

The thought has crossed my mind, but on balance I think it would make things worse for the kids.

She insults me and tells me I'm lazy and lacking ambition.

Your wife sounds abusive and controlling!

Please stay in the job that you enjoy and consider whether you want your kids growing up in a home where one parent is abusive towards the other one.

Just because someone doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean they’re not abusive.

You deserve better than this and so do your kids.

ChooChoo has nailed it.

Your wife is a manipulative controlling abusive bully.

So she thinks you’re lazy and lacking ambition despite you earning at least 3/4 times the average wage while she sits on her arse earning sweet fuck all and expecting you to bankroll her lifestyle. She’s got champagne taste and a tap water salary.

I’ll say exactly the same to you as I say to women who live with abusive controlling cocklodgers - is this really what you want for your life and relationship? And do you really want your children growing up thinking this is how marriages are supposed to be?

This mate!

I would tell her you have spoken to recruiters and there is nothing about at the moment so what is she going to do to increase her income to help cover the shortfall.

Your wife sounds awful.

How do you tolerate someone who chooses employment that costs you money but also criticises you for not earning enough, laziness and lack of ambition?

I'm not sure how you navigate to a more mutually respectful relationship when she's so entitled and treats you with contempt.

This is your life unless you choose to leave and I think that would be a very good idea. Your children are witnessing an abusive relationship, if she's not abusive to them then how would leaving be worse for them long term?