Secret son

[garderose]

My ex-husband had a son when I met him and we had a son together. After weeks divorced I had an anomaly on my tax returns and the tax office sent me the returns my ex husband had filed during our marriage. On them I discovered that he had another child, born when he was still married to his first wife, and 10 years older than our son. He has never breathed a word about the child (now an adult). Where we live, inheritance laws dictate that all children inherit equally, so his other children are in for a big surprise. What would you do with this information ? Would you tell your son?

*After we divorced

I would tell my son unless you are amicable enough with your ex to get him to tell him son himself.

I'd speak to your ex first, and then speak to your son. He deserves to have a relationship with his brother. Inheritance wouldn't be my biggest concern.

My ex would never, ever admit this and would go mad if I spoke to him about it. I mentioned inheritance because this is where it would all come to light

This is bigger for your son than inheritance. He has a brother he doesn’t know about. Ideally your ex would talk to him about this and explain.

You need to speak to the ex and if needs be, show him the proof of how you know. He may go mad but your son needs some details that only his dad can provide. Otherwise it will be a total head fuck.

So this 3rd son - the eldest? Is to a third mother? Who was his first wife? Was he married to second mother? Can you speak to her? Maybe she knows already?

The child was born while he was married to his first wife. Am positive no one knows anything about him

How old is your son? Does he speak to his dad? If he does then you need to speak to your ex about this first otherwise your child will take the hit.

I think I'm going to give the tax declaration to my son when he's 18 and he can decide what to do with the information

My son's 16. His father is very difficult - to put it mildly.

So does your son have contact with him?

Yes - shared custody

Then YOU need to talk to your ex about this. If you bury it you are complicit in lying to your son, and if you don’t speak to your ex and tell your son in however many years then you are sacrificing your son to do your dirty work. Then after you’ve given your ex the fyi, tell your son

Tell him there has been an obvious mistake on the tax return he needs to correct l8ke your doing him a favour

The brother might not want a relationship with him. Not meaning to be horrible, but I'm my dad's first child and he went on to have more kids with other women, I was NC with my dad so I had nothing to do with these other kids, they are not my brothers and sisters and I consider myself an only child. I didn't grow up with them, they're strangers to me.

I am still confused

Secret child born while man was married - presumably he had an affair when married and fathered a child

This. I had three much older half sisters who I saw occasionally as a child when they deigned to visit the parent of mine that was theirs. It was a relief when I turned 18 and never had to see them again. I loved my parents but I truly wish I’d never met my sisters. They never felt like relatives and I felt very much like an only child.

Due to my experience it seems very strange to me that people are going ‘but your son has a brother, they’ll need a relationship! No, they won’t.

@FTPM1980

My husband was married to Edna before me and had a son called Dick.

He got divorced and 2 years later he met me and we had a son called Tom.

When we separated prior to divorce, he continued to claim married tax allowance. The tax people sent me all the tax forms he had filled in during our marriage.

Under child support was Dick. Obviously. And another child, Harry, born a couple of years after Dick, whilst he was still married to Edna. No one has ever said a word about Harry. I'm 100% sure no one knows.

This has come up recently as my son Tom asked me what I thought about DNA ancestry tests. He said he'd love to do one and apparently his father went apeshit and 'forbade' him to ever do one...

@Beezknees @Catnipcupcakes Meanwhile, I have a great relationship with my younger half-sibling despite us not meeting until our late teens, and despite my still being NC with our shared parent. We were both brought up as only children who wished for a sibling, and whatever choices our parent(s) made were not our choices.

Whatever happens with the OP's child though, I firmly believe that honesty is the best policy and that keeping secrets in families only ever breeds resentment in the end.

Yes you should tell your son but I wonder before you tell him you should let the first wife know. As this will affect her son as well and she is the one who was cheated on (and may not know), so give her the opportunity to tell her own son in her own way.

Are the brothers who know about each other in contact? I'm just wondering if they are, you could reach out to the first wife and have a discussion. She may already be aware, she might not, buy she might appreciate a heads up rather than her son telling her because he's found out from yours. The only person who benefits from keeping it a secret is your ex.

Ah thanks
Until that last bit I was thinking just sounded like a tax scam.