Discussion with husband around in laws

[FairHare]

Context to this is I had PPA after our child was born, husband feels that I unfairly targeted his parents. I felt more comfortable telling my parents how I wanted things done and they conceded more.

Additionally I believe I am autistic but do not have a diagnosis.

Tonight I spoke to him about a couple of comments his parents have made about our child and prefaced it with 'i know I potentially being over sensitive'. I tried to speak about the comments and talk through my how I got there.
When I said I might be being oversensitive, he threw a sweet into his mouth, raised his eyebrows and said 'ummhmm' in a tone that suggested it was obvious. I asked him not to do that and he began to raise his voice, telling me that I was annoyed and he did nothing wrong. He then told me to get on with it if I had something to say. I slowed down and was thinking about what to say and he became visibly frustrated with waiting (tapping on his leg, making the universal come on sign). I explained that I can't think when he does that and he stated that he doesn't understand why I can't just speak. If I have had a thought, why do I need to think about how to say it.

The discussion then moved to him saying he wasn't shouting and I don't understand what shouting it because we think different things are shouting.

Am I being oversensitive on all/any/some of these points?

Is he always this rude and dismissive?

What a nasty man. Can you leave him?

He sounds annoying. But, ehatbsoet of things are you raising? Because it does rather sound like you have issues with his parents which may or may not ve valid and then rightly or wrongly, you weren't exactly clear on what they were.

Yhe dynamic here is definitely off.

What are the issues with your in laws? If they're really valid and you find actual talking helpful, perhaps write them down?

He might come across as annoying but it sounds like you're over thinking things and making mountains out of mole hills.

Don't apologise for your opinion before you've expressed it.

He was being dismissive but maybe he dislikes criticism of his parents.
To be honest, if DH was always finding fault with my parents, I'd be quite dismissive and upset. I can imagine if he started talking about them again I'd probably be sighing and rolling my eyes.

They've been saying things like 'she's hard work' talking about our daughter.

I suppose the difference is, that had my parents said this I would have just said 'no, she's not, she's two'. I suppose I wanted to speak about it because I can't do that so needed to discuss to get my heart in the same logical place as my head.

Our daughter is nearly 3 so we are probably about 18 months out of the PPA and I genuinely don't have any issues with his parents. I like them.

All two year olds are hard work.
Hisband sounds horrid though. Can you give some more examples?

I don’t want to give bad advice because I don’t know your relationship dynamic - but is it possible your husband just didn’t want to deal with any more criticism of his parents? Perhaps he doesn’t like what they say either but knows they aren’t going to change. Given that you like them and don’t have any issues with then then could you just ignore the little comments they say that you don’t like?

Or you could just gently laugh and say “no she’s not, she’s 2” when they say she’s hard work as you would with your parents. As long as you don’t snap or say it rudely, I don’t see why you can’t say the same thing.

Maybe he was just agreeing that you are over sensitive?

What actually is a PPA anyway?

This. If you’ve already been very critical of them then piling on even more criticism is going to be hard for him to hear.

What outcome did you want? Did you just want to have a moan and get it off your chest - in which case is there anyone else to moan to? Or did you want him to do something about it?

Maybe he feels your are targeting them, have you spoken about to him about them repeatedly?

maybe they are trying to be supportive of you saying she’s hard work and trying to be sympathetic to you, maybe not.

you know your husband, is he generally a nice person?

Is she hard work, OP? Most two year olds are.

I thought that. Just googled and it's come up power purchase agreement. Not sure it is in this case tho

I thought it was post partum anxiety? Less than post partum depression but still affects mum deeply? I'm also sorry OP your husband sounded unwilling to listen to you, if you pursued getting an autism diagnosis do you think he'd be more understanding of the way you express yourself?

It’s genuinely hard to say whether he is being unreasonable or just exasperated/upset/annoyed (with some justification). He might be being rude and unkind towards you over justifiable concerns regarding his parents- though your example doesn’t strike me as all that concerning- I think tone and context is key there.

On the other hand, if you have a tendency to get upset and anxious about comments which he feels are trivial and/or are consistently more critical of his parents than your own (especially for similar behaviour or comments) then maybe he is a bit fed up about it. Maybe he genuinely thinks you are being unreasonable towards them and is annoyed that you keep doing this. He was a bit rude perhaps in the way he behaved, but equally frequently criticising or complaining about his parents- especially if he feels it is unwarranted or unfair- maybe getting to him and upsetting him too. Living with anxiety is really tough, but so is living with someone who suffers from anxiety. You can get a bit of “anxiety fatigue”- it’s a bit “here we go again, I don’t want to do this again”. I used to dread it and I readily admit that at times I was so fed up of it that sometimes I would not react “kindly”.

Two year olds are hard work sometimes, especially when they aren’t yours. You have obviously taken this comment to heart, but do you genuinely believe they were said to criticise or belittle your daughter or was it half-joking/a bit of exasperation etc on their behalf? It sounds like you are more comfortable with your parents (entirely normal) and perhaps hold your in-laws to different standards or struggle with the way they communicate/act if it is different to how your family do it (neither of you may be in the wrong if that is the case)?

You say you unfairly targeted his parents while suffering from PPA - how did that look?

I imagine it must be quite upsetting to hear your wife complain about your family, especially if you believe it to be unfair or harsh.

Post partum anxiety? Thanks. Never heard of that one

Maybe he is tired of you criticising his parents all the time . How would you feel if he criticised yours ?