TW - Assault

[ArcticSky]

Hi all,

I feel really weird writing this, but I'm feeling a bit wobbly and need some advice.

In recent years, I have looked back on how I have been treated by men and have realised that men (ex bfs) have done things sexually to me without my consent. At the time I did nothing about it, it was almost normalised in the group I was in, but since Me Too I now see it for what it was.

I spoke to DH a couple of years ago about one of the things that happened to me, and that was the first time I spoke with anyone. He was shocked, but supportive.

Yesterday, I told him about a second time something happened (I'm gradually processing it all I think) and he basically hasn't spoken to me since. He is saying he needs to process it, and is now scared what else I am going to reveal in a few months/years. He says I have 'lied' about my relationships and now 'doesn't trust' what I've told him about my past. I tried to explain that abuse victims often cannot see they were being abused at the time.

He says that the person I am now doesn't match the person I was then, as I would never tolerate anything like that now. That I portrayed myself as someone who treated men badly (I often did - possibly as a result of what was done to me) and that clearly wasn't the case.

I'm feeling anxious, scared and uncomfortable. I want to cry. I have been assaulted more than once, spoken out about it to the person I felt I could trust the most, and now really wish I hadn't.

YABU - He has a right to take time to process this. His reaction is completely normal and expected.

YANBU - He has not handled this well at all.

Thank you for reading x

In my experience, men sometimes react badly to being told about abuse/assault because it's something they've done to someone in the past. Rather than admit that what they did was wrong/a crime, they lash out at the person telling them, to preserve their own self image. I'm not saying that's what's happening with your DH but it's something to be aware of.

I'm not entirely clear what your DH means by this:
He says that the person I am now doesn't match the person I was then, as I would never tolerate anything like that now. That I portrayed myself as someone who treated men badly (I often did - possibly as a result of what was done to me) and that clearly wasn't the case.

Do you understand what he's saying?

Sorry but that's a vile and unsupportive way for him to respond. Like you say, many abuse victims don't realise at the time what they're going through is actually abuse and the fact you've felt able to open up to him and this is his reaction is awful. Yes he may be in shock over what you've told him but there's no way he should treat you like your somebody he no longer knows, your still his wife who he loves and should be there for, through the good and the bad. I'd suggest maybe getting some counselling or something to be able to come to terms with your past, but I can't say I would be able to move on easily if my DH reacted that way, it doesn't come across as very loving or understanding.

Oh that's a difficult situation OP!

I don't think your YABJ / YANBU options are fair to either of you.

It sounds like you've had quite a bit of trauma in your past, which you're only just being able to unpack / talk about. There's nothing wrong with that at all! Have you considered seeking specialised support? There's a whole world of support options out there that might be helpful / useful to equip you with the tools for this.

From the position of your DH, he's being told about horrific things done to someone he loves - things that most people would find it hard to process. Especially if these things are part of your past and are being revealed as you're able to, several years apart, that can also be hard for the person you're opening up to. His responses don't seem helpful or situationally appropriate, but perhaps you both need proper support around things rather than muddling through.

It's a huge step to be opening up, so don't let how tough it is discourage you from seeking support in more than one place.

Yes I understand what he means. We have both previously expressed regret at how we have treated partners in the past. He says we 'bonded(?)' over that and that is now not true. I tried to explain that I started treating men badly after I was assaulted, but he doesn't seem to accept this.

Ah I see, so he feels that you 'bonded' over treating partners badly, when in fact you were the one who was treated badly? In what way did he treat past partners badly?

In my experience, men sometimes react badly to being told about abuse/assault because it's something they've done to someone in the past. Rather than admit that what they did was wrong/a crime, they lash out at the person telling them, to preserve their own self image.

Wow, that would explain my ex's behaviour. To begin with he was the man I could tell anything to and I did tell him a few of the things that had been done to me, but not all. Many years later I was triggered by something in the news. He reacted very negatively (I'll not bore you with the details). Of all the unwanted sexual attention I have received in my life he was the only one to rape me. Then try and get me to take responsibility for the resulting pregnancy from one of those occasions, but that's a whole other story. Sorry for the derail.

@ArcticSky how is your relationship with your husband generally?

I'm sorry that happened. That sounds horrible 😔

Relationship otherwise very good. I'm just really confused. I feel like I'm bring punished. He said it should have been obvious to me the men were bad and that he needs time to process. He still hasn't spoken to me. We are just going through the motions and looking after the kids.

He said it should have been obvious to me the men were bad

That is victim blaming. Even if your husband says he needs time to process what you've told him, the fact that you feel as if you're being punished, that he is alluding to it being your fault and that he hasn't spoken to you at all is very telling.

Have you considered speaking to someone about your past trauma? I think having someone listen to you who will not judge or blame would be helpful and might help work out why your husband is being the way he is. I'm sorry you're going through this @ArcticSky , it's soul destroying when the one who should be there to support you lets you down in such a way