Are women actually unkind to each other due to “jealousy”?!

[Bear0511]

It’s something that comes up on here, and IRL, a lot. Any time there are any issues between women, or a woman treating another woman badly, the resounding answer is “she is just jealous of you”.

I struggle to believe this is actually the case for grown adults who have left school. I have been jealous of many women in my life - for their looks, money, holidays, or various other things. I’ve never been unkind or exclusionary towards them because of it, because I’m an adult and not a 13 year old.

I’ve also had women in my life who I have thought are absolute dicks, haven’t really clicked with, or have drifted from friendships with. If I/they posted on MN, there would be several responses accusing one of us of being “jealous” of the other. When in reality, for whatever reason, I just haven’t wanted to spend time with them, or them with me. Sometimes it’s due to my own personal reasons, and other times it’s because I think they’re a twat with a horrible personality. If a woman hasn’t wanted to be in my life for whatever reason, or hasn’t treated me nicely, I’ve never assumed it was due to jealousy.

Assuming that someone isn’t hugely enamoured with you, no longer wants to be your friend or simply dislikes you just because they are “jealous” of you just strikes me as absolute arrogance, and a way of pushing the issue onto them instead of looking at ourselves and our own behaviour.

It also feeds into sexist tropes about women being “catty” and “bitchy”, and the worst thing is that it is always said by other women. I’ve never been told “she’s just jealous of you” by a man when I’ve been having an issue with another woman. It’s classic internalised misogyny and the female equivalent of “he just fancies you” when a man is unkind to a woman. We no longer accept that as an excuse for bad behaviour from men (thank god!) so why do we still do this to each other?

YANBU - reducing all female relationship issues to “jealousy” is a reductive, sexist trope that stops women from taking accountability for their own actions.

YABU - women are generally only horrible or exclusionary towards each other if they are jealous.

I've never been unpleasant to anyone I percieve as being prettier or more successful than me in my life. In all honesty, that would amount to a LOT of women, and with the best will in the world, I doubt I'd get round them all.
Not sure quite why my comment in particular has pulled your chain, but you're barking up the wrong tree with me mate. There's very few people I dislike. And almost none of them are other women.

Ocelotstripes

I was going to write similarly. Some people need to feel they are ‘superior’ to those they have historically felt better than. When the tables turn whether that is unhappiness in their own circumstances or those they feel superior towards, it shows in bitterness and meanness

I don’t believe they want what the other person has, it’s more about their own ego.

The poster above wrote about her friends being jealous of her new house. They were not genuine friends, they very possibly didn’t want or even like her particular house, it was more likely they are people with superiority complexes and are accustomed to feeling ‘better than’ (and that in itself is rarely warranted),. This results in a bruised ego and the need to push the person responsible for denting their ego back down so they can float like cream back on top.

Can't say I have ever been jealous of one particular woman. As a group I am envious of those who are apparantly effortlessly slim, and I've always wanted to be a bit taller and have long red curly hair 🙂.
I find women yawn-inducing on the whole, or nasty and cruel, talking behind your back, or being two faced. Men also are dull or talk over me, or are patronising, or are so shallow - just judging worth by appearance. I tend to assume the opposite - if a man is goodlooking he's probably not worth knowing unless he proves he has a few brain cells to rub together.
As a geek I find almost all women's and most men's conversations boring. I suffer it, there is the occasional highlight...
These days I also get judged for my age, which is very annoying. This is the great advantage of being online as a geek, LOL. So I suppose I am jealous of the young 🙁
My daughter thinks she is autistic and that I am too. I find it hard to judge people's moods; my daughter appears to find it impossible - which makes her very difficult to get along with. However I think that it's an IQ thing - while it's gratifying to be part of the "in crowd" it's also tedious to keep up the pretense of being interested.

'We are far worse"

Rubbish. Speak for yourself mate. I've known some bloody appalling men.

I agree that some people put others down to make themselves feel better, due to insecurity. Some people are definitely competitive and i think it must be exhausting!

I’ve sensed that competitive undercurrent with the mother of one of DD’s former school friends. A group of Mums keep in touch and she’s the only one who gives off this vibe. She wants HER DD to be the best and it’s so silly as the girls are all talented in different areas.

Being envious won’t change anything!

For me, sometimes I just instantly don't like someone, whether that be a man or a woman. I can't really explain why, I meet them and there's a instinctual feeling that I don't like them, or to be wary of them. It's nothing to do with jealousy in those cases.

Also, you can be envious of someone and still really like them. So the whole 'you hate then because you're jealous' doesn't really make much sense.

I agree for the most part. The vast majority of people I know would not let envy colour their behaviour towards others.

However, I do think people can feel threatened by others rather than jealous as such. I moved jobs relatively recently and a previous colleague works at my new place. We used to be very friendly but she has been icy towards me since I joined, especially when I got a promotion that essentially placed me above her in the workplace hierarchy.

I don't think I'm particularly talented but I do work extremely hard. She doesn't. I think that my arrival took away a place that was 'hers'. Later heard she'd been telling a lot of lies about me to coworkers, sharing her opinion that I am snobby and superior. I'm really not. My 'area for improvement' from my line manager is to be more confident and less of a people pleaser.

don't think I'm particularly talented but I do work extremely hard. She doesn't. I think that my arrival took away a place that was 'hers'. Later heard she'd been telling a lot of lies about me to coworkers, sharing her opinion that I am snobby and superior. I'm really not. My 'area for improvement' from my line manager is to be more confident and less of a people pleaser.

Nothing indicates she is ‘jealous’ of you though?
If anything, it appears she is insecure and doesn’t know how to relate to you in a work environment?

Totally. That's why I said 'threatened' earlier in my comment, 'rather than jealous as sych'. I don't think she's jealous of me at all, to be frank. But I think people often conflate the two, which is why I gave my story as an example.