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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's dad buying him toy guns

18 replies

Trishna99 · 30/05/2024 10:33

Brief background. Ex was abusive. Wasn't allowed to see DS for 4 years until he completed a DAPP. He's still displaying abusive manipulative behaviours. Impossible to co parent. He's not allowed to contact me so handovers done by a family member. Family member is non confrontational which works but its hard when I need to raise an issue. The issue at the moment is that his dad keeps buying him toy guns. Not colourful nerf guns, but fake black machine guns that would look real from 20 metres away to the untrained eye. I've said I can't control what he does when he's with him but he needs to take the gun off him before he comes home. Regardless, he's been sent home multiple times with one. He then pretends to shoot me with it and says he's going to kill me. I then get paranoid that it's a message from his dad because he knows how I feel about it. I'm also then the 'bad guy' because I'm the one talking it away.

Am I being ridiculous? How do I deal with this effectively?

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 30/05/2024 10:55

So it's mainly a problem with the family member not following your wishes then? I think I'm reading that right? I'd be very clear with FM that you absolutely do not want these guns brought home and next time, DS comes home with one, hand it back to FM to keep and give back to ex at the next visit. You don't have to get snarky with them, but just insist you do not want it/them in your home - as this is your 'house rule'. DS will learn that you have no guns in your house and so they stay with dad. You have no control on your twat of an ex, so although he probably knows your wishes, it's doubtful he'll follow them.

Ex may be unaware or (more likely) it's subtle manipulation of situation. I'm not sure I'd take it as a threat, more pushing boundaries and probably trying to get a rise out of you/thumbing his nose at you.

Ex and FM may see your stance as a little excessive. Some parents are anti gun toys (as we were) and other people don't understand it and think you are making a fuss about nothing IME.

Mothership4two · 30/05/2024 10:55

BTW you are not being ridiculous

Original poster
Trishna99 · 30/05/2024 10:57

Mothership4two · 30/05/2024 10:55

So it's mainly a problem with the family member not following your wishes then? I think I'm reading that right? I'd be very clear with FM that you absolutely do not want these guns brought home and next time, DS comes home with one, hand it back to FM to keep and give back to ex at the next visit. You don't have to get snarky with them, but just insist you do not want it/them in your home - as this is your 'house rule'. DS will learn that you have no guns in your house and so they stay with dad. You have no control on your twat of an ex, so although he probably knows your wishes, it's doubtful he'll follow them.

Ex may be unaware or (more likely) it's subtle manipulation of situation. I'm not sure I'd take it as a threat, more pushing boundaries and probably trying to get a rise out of you/thumbing his nose at you.

Ex and FM may see your stance as a little excessive. Some parents are anti gun toys (as we were) and other people don't understand it and think you are making a fuss about nothing IME.

Edited

I do understand this however it's a big ask for my family member, who is already helping me out massively, to confront a man she knows to be violent and abusive and knowing she will have to continue seeing him every other week. I'm not sure what the answer.

OP posts:
Beautifulbythebay · 30/05/2024 11:01

Straight in a bin bag. Every time. Dc will likely report back to df.. So what? Your house your rules.. My dc had Nerf guns. Dc will make a gun from a stick. BUT tbh you /dc risk arrest in this day and age. An adult was arrested about 2 years ago for aiming clearly a water gun at someone...
Of the 8 ds's I have 1 joined the army and used real guns and none have so far become gun toting gangsters. The police view would have me banning real looking ones...

RedHelenB · 30/05/2024 11:08

Just let your son know there's no toy guns allowed in the house and throw them away as others say. Kids understand different rules in different places.

Dotjones · 30/05/2024 11:12

If you genuinely believe that these are realistic imitation firearms DO NOT THROW THEM AWAY. Contact the police for advice. RIFs need to be disposed of properly so that they don't end up in the wrong hands. They will also take a dim view of your ex if he is supplying RIFs.

If they were obviously toy weapons then there's not much you can do. You can confiscate them and throw them out but as you say this will make you the "bad guy" - I don't think there's any way around this though. Boys like toy guns and will make them out of Lego if they're not allowed them.

Meadowfinch · 30/05/2024 11:22

I'm reminded of a friend who refused to have toy guns in her house, for her 5yo ds to play with. Then she found her ds and little friend 'shooting' each other with unopened daffodils. 😀

I do understand the need to make it clear they are toys though. I think I'd either buy him a little nerf gun to use at home, or I'd paint the gun his dad bought him bright blue & red. Make it clear to anyone who sees it, that it isn't real.

You don't want anyone getting the wrong idea.

Coshei · 30/05/2024 11:51

As a child I spray painted toy guns (incl machine guns) black and played in the same way, and I didn’t turn violent. Personally i think that you are overthinking this.

grumpygrape · 30/05/2024 11:52

This is as much/more about the ‘killing you’ message than the physical gun isn’t it ? If son’s too young to understand how he is being influenced by his father then you probably do need help out with your family member. Not a good idea to contact father directly as this could well be part of the ‘plan’.

Were Children’s Services involved when he wasn’t allowed to see your son ? A social worker may be able to advise, if you can get hold of one…..

Spraying the guns to show they are toys might be a good starting point though.

Gemmy96 · 30/05/2024 11:54

YANBU, especially given that he's abusive. I'd be seriously worried about DS's behaviour when he has the fake guns (the "pretending to kill you" bit!!) and I don't think that's paranoia. You definitely ANBU.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/05/2024 11:54

Keep throwing them away and let your son know not in this house. It will get back to his dad who will presumably not bother anymore because it won't have his desired effect.

As a side note we allowed nerf guns but not others when older but prior to that any stick or legs could suddenly go "bang" and be a gun!

titchy · 30/05/2024 11:56

I do understand this however it's a big ask for my family member, who is already helping me out massively, to confront a man she knows to be violent and abusive and knowing she will have to continue seeing him every other week. I'm not sure what the answer.

Surely the answer is that while she takes the toy gun from ex, she doesn't hand it over to you, but keeps it to hand back to ex at the next contact.

titchy · 30/05/2024 11:57

Coshei · 30/05/2024 11:51

As a child I spray painted toy guns (incl machine guns) black and played in the same way, and I didn’t turn violent. Personally i think that you are overthinking this.

Ooh yes, maybe paint it pink!

siblingrevelryagain · 30/05/2024 12:01

You're not being ridiculous.

I had boys who weren't allowed toy guns and they made guns out of Lego occasionally, and loved water guns. I didn't give in though and let them have more realistic ones, just because they had found a way around my rules.

Just like my Mom didn't give in and let me have actual cigarettes when I pretended to smoke with sweeties or pencils.

wendycupcakes · 30/05/2024 14:44

I have boys adults now and the toy guns were endless in my home along with swords nurfs and them bloody little green plastic army men my poor feet.
I did once hide all the toy guns and they then made their own out of paper tubes.
Even going out for a walk every stick was a sword or a gun they kept me busy for a few year lol.But nope did not make my two in to violent men.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 30/05/2024 14:56

I agree with @wendycupcakes . My DS was obsessed with guns - I had no policy in my house as I remember my now pacifist brother going through the same thing. I just let it happen and now he's an adult DS is completely normal without violent tendencies. He was also not into Call of Duty and other gun like games (which is your next hurdle!)

Hugosmaid · 30/05/2024 14:59

Give a little boy a stick and he would turn it in to a gun.

The issue is you don’t want it in your house and you have every right to feel how you do. So put it in the bin when he is in bed

Original poster
Trishna99 · 30/05/2024 15:40

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 30/05/2024 14:56

I agree with @wendycupcakes . My DS was obsessed with guns - I had no policy in my house as I remember my now pacifist brother going through the same thing. I just let it happen and now he's an adult DS is completely normal without violent tendencies. He was also not into Call of Duty and other gun like games (which is your next hurdle!)

I do understand this and my concern is not that I think it's going to make him voilent in the future. I just don't like guns. They kill people and I don't think they should be used as toys. I don't judge other people who feel differently. If it makes a difference, I worked in firearms for 8 years and saw the devastation they caused (globally). So, ex really does know how I feel about them.

It isn't a rif.

OP posts:
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