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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do you look after kids when you're ill

15 replies

beaveringaway33 · 29/05/2024 23:47

I've been unwell for a month or so now. I'm awaiting extraction on a bad tooth that is causing me a lot of pain. I'm able to get through the days on painkillers but it hurts and I constantly have headaches and lethargy. I have no real time frame for the procedure as it has to be done at hospital and waiting lists are massive. I'm coping but I am not my best self.
Thankfully I have a good dh who is picking up the slack and we are getting by but beyond making sure the kids are clean, fed, sorted for school/nursery I have such little energy and motivation to do things. It's taken its toll on me mentally and I'm trying my best but I feel shit all the time and it's hard.
We have no family help. None. One grandparent who may help in an absolute emergency but wouldn't be able to do any overnights. We are getting by but it made me think how on earth do people cope when they are single parents? If they are really unwell for prolonged periods of time and struggling to care for little kids? Especially full on toddlers who need eyes on them 24/7?
This past month has been a real wake up call for me and left me feeling quite vulnerable.

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 29/05/2024 23:52

In my case, I coped as best I could, with young twins and no husband/partner/family etc support.
I just had to get on with it. Mine was gynae/endocrine/oncological and, with no-one to pick up the slack, I just had to get on with it. And my twins - and I - suffered as a result.
Not posting this in any way to minimise what you are going through - it sounds horrendous and I feel for you - but just to answer how I coped as a solo parent (badly!).

StormingNorman · 29/05/2024 23:54

I have had a chronic illness since I was a teenager and decided not to have children because I wouldn’t be able to be a good parent.

There are days when I can’t look after myself let alone get kids to school, cook them dinner or give them any attention. I also have a lot of fatigue and would feel guilty plonking them in front of the telly while I sleep my life away instead of spending time with them.

Toothache is grotty. I hope your appointment comes through soon so you can get back to normal ❤️

heartbroken22 · 30/05/2024 00:14

Totally understand. Can you not ring the emergency line and get more advice or quicker treatment. Honestly tooth pain is the worst.

I was really sick in pregnancy and afterwards . Giving my kids tablets was a godsend. It's only when they're little. I really calmed down with the cleaning and giving them baths everyday. I let them have freezer foods and things they can snack on. I just relaxed the whole routine.

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 30/05/2024 00:17

I am sorry you’re feeling rubbish.
for me it was just being a good enough parent- letting them watch too much tv, eat too much crap and generally as long as they were safe and fed that had to be happy enough.

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 30/05/2024 00:18

You just have to crack on. We have no family support other than very occasionally (maybe once every two years over the last 18 years).
I have been in hospital several times, when in hospital family and friends did step upz afterwards it was friends who helped for a while but in reality I have been ill for years.
We just have to crack on as do the kids. They have been mildly neglected at points but always fed and watered. They are always loved though and that shines through.

ControlShiftDelete · 30/05/2024 00:22

I had extreme morning sickness during pregnancy and was bed bound for weeks not able to function and take care of my dc1 but DH stepped up and did everything otherwise dc1 was going to be severely neglected. During this time I did think about all the solo parents who had hg or other illnesses but had no one to help out with existing kids and they were all in my thoughts as I laid down miserably wishing the weeks would go by feeling sorry for my dc and myself. We hired a cleaner once a week, cooked basic food (well DH did) and juggled through miserably. Dc2 is now 6 weeks old and it makes me shudder how we coped. I kind of erased it from my memory until I came across your thread. It's absolutely miserable and I feel for you. I've had tooth related issues and honestly with the pain I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. Also, are you able to go private at all for the procedure if you can afford maybe it might help with the a quicker

mondaytosunday · 30/05/2024 00:22

Just got on with it. Once I was so sick on a holiday that I got up, threw up, made the kids some breakfast, put the tv on went back to bed. Dragged myself out of bed about lunchtime and took them out to see the sights. I got sick at every attraction. I was insane I should have just cut my losses and gone home (it was a cottage rental in the UK). At least then they'd have their own toys and I could possibly have begged a couple play dates.

ControlShiftDelete · 30/05/2024 00:23

Sorry pressed too soon as I was forcing a dummy down on my newborn, I meant quicker appointment.

Busbusbusbusbus · 30/05/2024 00:45

No choice I'm a lone parent and they don't see their father and I have no family, I was really ill last year and didn't have any choice but to get on with it.

beaveringaway33 · 30/05/2024 08:11

We are getting on with it but it's bloody miserable. All I want to do is rest. There is definitely some low level infection going on but I don't think things will improve fully until it gets removed. I am considering looking into private costs but I'm pretty sure we can't afford it.
I suppose I just feel guilty and depressed that I'm not parenting particularly well. It's half term and I've done my best but there's been a hell of a lot of screen time.
I'm shattered and in pain and it's just hard to have a toddler using you as a climbing frame or providing endless entertainment when you feel shit.
I had a sick bug a while back which totally wrote me off for 2 days. Dh stepped up and did everything. And while this isn't as severe it's been a lot longer lasting.

OP posts:
MagnetCarHair · 30/05/2024 08:18

How old are your children?

MagnetCarHair · 30/05/2024 08:29

I have a chronic illness and I have three children, although I expect they are older than yours. The nature of my illness is that I can be absolutely fine for long stretches but on my arse for a month, now and again. I think I was out of action longest when I had, and was recovering from pneumonia, which spanned the entirety of the six week holidays and that was miserable.

Firstly, you need to give yourself a bit of leeway to be imperfect. Screen time might not be ideal but it is useful, identify when is the hardest part of your day and then employ it when it helps you the most.

Now you need to think about ways that you can help them exert energy while you do not. This is why I asked how old they are, this will be hardest with the smallest of children. So this could be finding a park where they are more easily contained and you can sit down. Or a soft play area. Or a place that you can oversee an activity like bowling or swimming from the sidelines. Basically you are looking to create a massive energy gap between you and your kids.

Logistically, with food and housework, consider yourself on a war footing. Paper plates and bowls to bin. Prepared food in the freezer to nuke. Spend money on convenience when/ if you can, cook meals are good here. Get your kids to help tidy if they are capable.

Go to bed as early as they do. Make sure your one emergency grandparent is aware of what is going on in case this gets worse. Best of luck.

bluetopazlove · 30/05/2024 09:08

My sister was a solo parent and thought they only happened for the her 'type' .W e were are an 'army family' no in laws around and my birth parents were not around so obviously they didn't happen for me only her . I just had to be my best and carry on .

beaveringaway33 · 30/05/2024 10:32

Two primary age and one toddler. The older two are pretty self sufficient but they don't really play together and I feel guilty for not doing more with them. The toddler as you can imagine is full on.

OP posts:
ToadofTOADhall9 · 30/05/2024 11:55

I was a single parent when i slipped a disk in my back and was in the worst agony I have ever had, was on morphine for six months awaiting operation.

My kid still remembers it now - twenty years later. It definitely left a lasting impression on her

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