Ex wants me to look after his dog last minute, while he takes kids to activity

[MarbleShowerTiles]

Ex lives 50miles away. Kids do not go to stay with him (their choice, they are nearly teens). We arranged for us to meet halfway where there is an activity that kids are interested in and he takes kids to do it. This is meant to help rebuild their relationship. At exs request, I am bringing kids earlier so we can go and all eat together at local cafe.

Activity is tomorrow, ex text this evening to say he is bringing his dog (which he shares with a friend and doesn't have full time) so I have to look after dog and we have to find a dog friendly cafe instead of planned place.

One of kids is autistic - last minute changes not good. I said no - he has to make other plans for dog because all is arranged and too late to change. Also it's not my dog and I don't want to be landed with a dog to look after for 2 odd hours in a town. AIBU?

Nope. His dog, his responsibility. Just say no. It's him letting the kids down if he does the whole "I can't take you to activity becusse your mum won't have the dog." "No. You can't becuase you didn't plan care for your dog so you could do something for your kid. Its not my job to enable you."

YANBU

and interesting that his kids don’t want to stay at his

Yeah, he is a massive dickhead who constantly tells me how much he misses them and wants to see them and how sad it makes him, yet every time he does see them he does something that screws it all up and then blames me.

Sorry this is happening. Just say no. Cancel the whole thing you are being far too accommodating and he is taking you for granted.

I'm trying to tread the line of doing the right thing for the kids by supporting their right to see their dad when they want to, while trying to protect them from the worst of his dicking around and not let him treat them or me badly. It's a knife edge tbh.

He will expect you to bend over backwards for him or else he will label you "bitter"

I think I probably would have led with - no, I have plans while you're out with the kids and am not taking your dog for you, find someone to look after it. Rather than trying to argue that it's too hard to pick a different cafe - autism or not that's a fairly thin excuse.

Well, it's not a thin excuse when one place is all prepped for and kiddo cannot cope with last minute changes.
But I did also tell him straight that I don't want to be landed with a dog that will limit what I can do.
He has probably already labelled me bitter. I'd lol if I didn't know that it upsets the kids.

Iinstead of saying “don’t want” start saying “will not.” Its firmer.

Nope no nuh uh. Don’t look after the dog. Tell him to rearrange the plans.

Yes, fair point - will not, better. I'm bloody fuming.

Yeah just state calmly and firmly that he will need to find a dog sitter and you’re not offering that service. If he wants to see his kids he will make that effort to sort himself out.

I've told him I will not, he says he's bringing her regardless. Don't know if he's pisstaking trying to stress me out or serious. He has me over a barrel rather because my youngest does still go to his place and he has her right now. Plan was to meet with older ones who won't go, he does something with them to help their relationship, and all including youngest come home with me. So I can't just not go.

I have been accommodating - if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't be in the same room with him let alone eat in his company - but I'm trying to do what's best for them. I have told ex that this stupid shit about the dog has caused me a huge amount of stress, and I won't be so accommodating in future. If he brings dog regardless I just won't make such arrangements ever again with him and kids.

Ordinarily I grey rock him, but in this circumstance it doesn't work.

Refuse the dog and if he leaves it in your company to piss off you need to leave it there.

Oh dear - I have no experience of this at all but it sounds horrendous! Sorry you have to suck it up for one more day, he does seem to have backed you into a corner. But do vent and fume away - you are clearly in the right, he is clearly being an inflexible arsehole I assume for the pleasure of 'control'.

I actually like dogs, ironically. It's just not ok to land someone with one in an inappropriate situation without prior agreement.

You need to be prepared to walk away and leave the dog behind. Otherwise he is going to keep on doing this stupid shit, it's control.

It's also forecast to rain this afternoon.

A controlling dick head.

I wonder why you left him...

Make sure you have the car - drop them off and then just get on your car and go to Waterstones of something - do not give

Just meet him, pick up the youngest, and head home when he tries to hand you the dog. If he can drive there you can just tell him to drive both kids home later. If he didn’t drive there just leave him and the dog. I realize one or both of the kids may be SEN but you might have to just accept the fallout. Then never make plans with him again.

You cant mend a broken relationship without both pieces accepting the glue. He wont really reattach to your eldest and its folly to try to cover for him. It just will continually confuse and frustrate your children. “Well dad is dad and you know how he is” should be all that you ever say.

Can you not do natural consequences where he no longer gets to contact you at all except by one of the court approved parenting apps?
Contact is only about access, and any drivel about dogs etc is ignored.

This is the kinda thing shitty exes do. So they can cancel last minute but blame you. Hope it all works out ok op x

Meet with them all, go for food and then leave with the kids. He can go home with the dog. The activity can’t take place because daddy has to look after the dog. 🐕

He can leave the dog in his car surely for a couple of hours, with water and window slightly open. If you're feeling generous you could take him for a short walk n the middle.