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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To set some boundaries with my mum before she stays

4 replies

Elizo · 29/05/2024 11:11

Would like to know if this is reasonable. My mum is going to stay with us for a bit. We've had a difficult relationship over the years but we can rub along OK now as she gets older and her heart is definitely in the right place. We had quite a traumatic childhood as she had mental health problems and was extremely difficult to be around - everything was constantly focused on her and her feelings. She talked to me from her young age about her fear of other people and what they thought, her relationships problems and would regularly spiral in to what we called 'declines'. Shame there really wasn't support back then. Jump forward 30 years and she is more balanced and has been a fab grandparent but still has crushingly low self esteem and anxiety/ depression. Hearing her constant anxieties about what others think and being pushed into a supportive role led to my sibling really distancing herself as it was affecting her. We have both lacked confidence over the years.

So, before she comes to stay for a few months I want to say to her that it is really important to me to be a positive and confident role model for my son (teenage) and I don't air concerns about my own confidence or worries about what others think. This will not go down well as she can't take anything which could be construed as critical but I have heard her saying to my son before that she needs to be more confident and I just don't think it is appropriate..

It is reasonable to say this to her? thanks

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 29/05/2024 11:20

OP that sounds like it was really tough for you and all your family, and I’m glad you’re mostly able to deal with her now.

I don’t think it would be particularly helpful to say that to her though. A grandmother expressing anxieties and worries is nowhere near as impactful to a child as a mother expressing those same thoughts. Your son will have a much more solid foundation through your upbringing of him. He’s going to come across people who think like this, and it needn’t shake him to the core.

Depending on how old he is, I’d say something to him like “you know grandma is often quite anxious and worried - don’t worry about it, it’s not personal, she’s always been like that”. This wouldn’t be the same as “putting your worries onto him”, like your mum did to you - it would be sharing an acknowledgment of what someone is like, and showing that you recognise it and are fine to deal with it and not let it stress you out. You’d be demonstrating reality and resilience.

Talipesmum · 29/05/2024 11:21

That said, I don’t know you, your son or your mum. It might be terrible advice and if it’s not appropriate I’m sorry. But I just wanted to suggest it as an option to think about.

PurplePim · 29/05/2024 12:01

I have relatives who are vocal about their insecurities and seem constantly mortified by how others might perceive them and their actions. We don't see them that often, but when they've done this in front of my children I tackle it by countering their logic to de-normalise it. For example...

Them (nearly tripping on uneven ground, whilst going bright red, looking around them in a flap and generally drawing attention to themselves): eek, how embarrassing! Oh, cringe. Oh, how embarrassing!

Me: is it actually that embarrassing? Everyone nearly trips now and then, you see it all the time. Most people just carry on as if nothing has happened. It's not a big deal at all.

They do it all the time, taking about not doing something perfectly normal, such as getting a refund in a shop, as it would be cringe worthy, or being vocally vicariously embarrassed if I ask for a table to be wiped in a cafe, etc. Simple statements such as "people get refunds all the time, that's why there's a returns counter" put it into context.

As my children have grown older they see how limiting and dysfunctional it is to be so overly aware of how you might be perceived, and this has helped them to be assertive so they don't limit themselves in the same way as these relatives. They've expressed how sad they feel for the relatives but realise it's very much a them issue.

We have a family friend who's always going on about her weight, and I tackled that by chatting to my children afterwards about how some people have unhealthy attitudes to food and their bodies, and how this can occur, including by hearing other people talk about it and thinking that's how everyone thinks. This has worked well.

So even if your mum does say things it's not necessarily going to normalise it. Children will hear all sorts of terrible messages, but if you encourage them to question people's thought processes and not take them at face value it's a skill they can apply over and over again.

SlothsNeverGetIll · 29/05/2024 14:19

Is it not a better lesson for your son that some people are full of anxieties, and some aren't. We aren't all brimming with self confidence at all times and that's OK.

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