Do you think this behaviour is toxic?

[TheCaringHormoneHasGone]

What do you think of this behaviour?

One of my DH’s relatives has cosied up to an elderly widow in their village. The woman is a real nasty piece of work. Non of her family speak to her, including her DC, and a lot of the village are very wary of her. This woman pays this relative to write nasty or threatening letters and emails for her to members of her family, neighbours about disputes, shop assistants to get them in trouble and any tradesmen (complaints, write bad reviews) to get money back, or threaten legal action. She accuses people of stealing when she can’t find things e.g. delivery drivers, gas man. They have made 000’s writing letters. Relative said the people haven’t done anything wrong.

I got really cross when I heard this because at the end of those letters are innocent people, and you could destroy someone’s business. I said they are enabling a toxic narcissist.

Of course it’s non of my business, but I just think this is toxic behaviour. This is a close relative and it just makes me question what kind of person they are. They are also now saying that the widow is saying she’ll leave them money.

I have to listen to who’s the latest target, so whilst it’s non of my beeswax, I feel I’ve been dragged into it.

AIBU to pull this person up on this behaviour?

I think it's acceptable to tell your relative that you don't want to hear any more about it as it makes you uncomfortable.

Of course YANBU, but I suspect you can also look forwards to a bit of schadenfreude when they don't inherit anything.

Well, if I have understood the scam correctly, she is blackmailing these people - accusing them of stuff they haven't done in the hope that they are so scared of her they pay up?. Is that right?

Blackmail is a filthy crime. Really really low. I would absolutely report them both to the police, and I very rarely say that as I have little to no faith in our justice system. But in a case like this I would.

Do you have any evidence?

I’m not sure it’s as far as blackmail.

It’s more, you fixed my boiler, and now my ornament is missing, my umbrella from my wardrobe is gone, and an accusation made and a threat to their business if it’s not returned. Or, someone has done a major job on her house (e.g. fixed roof, painted inside) or she’s bought a new sofa and she doesn’t like it, wants her money back, or else she’ll ruin them. It’s this sort of thing.

This rellie said she wants to take my DC round to meet her, and I said no. I’m not having my tween DC accused of anything.

They openly brag to me about how much they’ve extracted from her, and how they may inherit.

I just think someone who enables this kind of behaviour has no morals or empathy for people who this would negatively affect and that’s not the kind of bad karma I want to be around.

That sounds like extortion, not just nasty letters.

They openly brag to me about how much they’ve extracted from her, and how they may inherit.

I knew someone like this. She was a nasty bastard and bragged to me, very soon after meeting her, that she was going to inherit everything from her "very rich" relative. She was wailing like a stuck pig when she received nothing and those round about who were less toxic received a small amount and the rest went to the cat and dog home. It was embarrassing but also glorious to witness.

You should be having doubts about the person who is writing these letters. It demonstrates a lack of moral compass for sure.

I'd want to stop speaking to them, if it were me.

You might be able to throw a spanner in the works if you point out they are also guilty of extortion, and that all the letters are in their handwriting.

I'd report them to the police anonymously and let them explain themselves to the police. This isn't a game, it is extortion which is absolutely nasty.

You should be having doubts about the person who is writing these letters. It demonstrates a lack of moral compass for sure.

I agree. There are other things this person does which also demonstrates a lack of morality when it comes to extracting others out of money, but this is the one that unnerves me the most.

I’ve told my DH I don’t really trust this person, or want to hang out with someone who I don’t feel has a moral compass and it didn’t go down well.

That is extortion and it's illegal. Your relative by writing them is part of this. They should be reported

I’ve told my DH I don’t really trust this person, or want to hang out with someone who I don’t feel has a moral compass and it didn’t go down well.

It's his family and he may well have consequences to face if you stick to your boundaries.

I have a female friend who can't stand her in-laws and she has good reasons for that. She refuses to see them. Her husband has just had to suck it up. Is that an option for you? You have a good reason to have nothing to do with this individual.

I’m not sure it’s as far as blackmail.

It’s more, you fixed my boiler, and now my ornament is missing, my umbrella from my wardrobe is gone, and an accusation made and a threat to their business if it’s not returned.

what exactly do you think threats to ruin someone’s business after making up accusations against them is if not blackmail?

stay away from these people, do not get involved and do not let your children get involved.

I would say report them to the police but I suspect that will not get you anywhere.

This sounds like one of the things that happened in Angela's Ashes.

In that film/book, Frank McCourt found the woman dead in her bed and got rid of all evidence of any money owed and took her stash.

Is it a relative of yours or DHs? I'd be telling her exactly what I think about what she's doing and then reduce contact with her to an absolute minimum. I wouldn't to spend any time with someone who is essentially acting as an enabler to a horrible person in order to get money out of them. They are both repulsive 🤮 and I wouldn't let my DC near them either!

Yes this is incredibly toxic. If it were me in your shoes OP I would feel better if I reported them to the police. They could be ruining people's lives. It's so harmful to destroy a person's reputation and really sad when they have done nothing wrong.

At the very least, stay away from this relative of your DH as much as you can.