To think I made the wrong choice

[Rosebel]

In less than a month I will be a full time SAHM. At present I only do 2, occasionally 3 days a week.
Work would like me to stay so technically I could withdraw my notice which is what I want to do.
However the reason for being a SAHM are DS is starting school in September. His high complex needs mean he will be on a, reduced timetable (already discussed this with them) but also he is prone to huge meltdowns which leave him exhausted. So if that happens someone will need to pick him up
I said to DH I want to withdraw my notice but he said why would you do that? You can't, it's selfish. But I've had a few glimpses of just how difficult it will be when he starts school and I will be doing it all on my own as DH will be working. I suggested he gave up his job and I went full time but there were various reasons why this probably wouldn't work.
I don't know. I feel sort of trapped. I know DH is right. Someone has to give up work and I did agree originally but I think I made the wrong choice.
YABU you have to stay at home for DS
YANBU stay at work and sort out alternative childcare for DS (not sure what but that's a different question)

Speak to your boss.

There are many ways you could work 2 days a week.

Can you WFH and do 2 days hours over 5? Could you work some evenings whilst DH cares for ds?

Can you do flexitime so 2 days hours spend over 5 if needed so if you need to leave and get ds you can?

I totally understand exactly why you don't want to leave. Being a carer as well as a mum can be isolating and you need something for you. Even if it's work.

Also look into fitting hobbies in for both you and DH or gym class or something so you both get time to be yourselves.

I'd also ask for carers assessment through social services for some respite care. You are entitled to a SW and if you look at contact website they have template letters etc for you to use to get your rights met.

If you already aren't sure don't fo it until you absolutely have to! My mental health has absolutely tanked since having to give up work because of my daughters care needs. She's pretty severe, special school, tube fed, mentally 3 physically 8 and has ASD along with about 8 different diagnosis on top. I absolutely love my little girl it's the world we live in I now hate, it was the last thing I had that was making me me left, already had to give up any friendships, personal commitments, gym. My whole life consists of appointments, phonecalls about various support/therapies/products/medications, cleaning, cooking and shopping. In the last 12 months there's been a huge shift towards disability and carers were now viewed as scroungers one of the things I've personally struggled with the most recently i used to work 50 hour weeks in a paid minimum wage job now I'm on the clock at least 20 hours a day, regularly hit 15,000 steps without leaving my front foor (tiny 3 bed new build) I honestly brush my hair once every couple of days at a push and I still don't get everything done I realistically need to do and I get less a week than someone on jsa. I knew I'd have to give up work but my advice to anyone in our situation is don't do it until its absolutely the last resort it was for us (my employer actually sacked me for having to take too many days off for appointments, I had no energy to fight it) my partner now has changed his job took us a few years and had a payrise to try and cover some of what we lost which is great but again a mental health hit to me I now have to also struggle with the resentment that comes with watching him flourish when I so desperately want to. I'm sorry this is such a long negative post I just felt I had to share with you especially as its still an option and seems to be what you want.

If possible I’d ask for some flexible working at least for a couple of months when school starts. You can take parental leave https://www.acas.org.uk/parental-leave#:~:text=Taking%20parental%20leave%20for%20a,Personal%20Independence%20Payment

if your company want to keep you then I’d have an honest conversation with them.

You and your DH could also both reduce your hours in order to share the load but both also keep working.

WITHDRAW YOUR NOTICE WITHDRAW YOUR NOTICE WITHDRAW YOUR NOTICE

Do not be dependent on a man. How dare he say you’re selfish. HE is being selfish. Would he sit about at home and give up his job? Use your skills. Set your kid an example of what hard work is.

Your work want you there. They value you!

If work really want to keep you they will have to offer the flexibility you need, hopefully they will do that and you can keep working whilst supporting your son.

If you carry on working I’d also use some of the money to pay a cleaner etc so when you are home you can concentrate on your son

Unfortunately there is no flexibility at work. I work in a nursery so the hours are obviously only opening hours. Also I wouldn't be able to leave and pick DS up if there was an issue as nursery has to stay in ratio but I was hoping DH would have agree to cover the two days.
He says he can't go part time (which he can't) but his job has more flexibility and no worries about ratio so he could leave to help DS and then work later when I'm home.
He said I agreed to give up work and I was selfish for changing my mind now. He said if I insist on staying at work then I need to sort out someone else to sort out DS when he knows there is no one.
We've been together for 19 years and have two teenagers and he's never been like this before.

What does he do that he cannot possible go part time?

you both need to go part time. If your dh cannot, he needs to consider a different solution to make up the difference.

We've been together for 19 years and have two teenagers and he's never been like this before.
What have been the expectations on him before though? Has he always been the background parent passively involved? Or did he take equal leave?

@Rosebel ok so you did agree you would give up work. However, you are perfectly entitled to change your mind and he ought to try to support you.

How do you work around DS just now? Can you alter that to suit in some way?

I'd try not to give up work if you can find a work around...

For your own mental health, I'd withdraw your notice and at least try 2 days a week. Some women are well suited to being full time SAHMs and there's nothing wrong with it but not all women are and I know after my third I toyed with quitting work ... by the end of my mat leave I decided to remain at work 2 days and the difference in my quality of life is profound. I am not happy being a full time SAHM, for me 2-3 days per week is perfect. Only you know what is perfect for you.

Don't ever give up work in this climate. I would also not want to be more reliant on your DH. Find a way around it.

Withdraw your notice. It’s very clear that you don’t want to be a SAHM and the fact your husband is guilting you about wanting to work is a massive red flag. Whatever you do, do not become financially dependent on a man who finds the idea of you being in control of your finances threatening.

Your work want to keep you: there is a solution, talk to them. Don’t let him bully you into losing your financial independence.

Can't you withdraw your notice and see how it goes? How much flexibility is there in your job? Can you make up hours on different days for example if you end up having to take time off if DC is off school?

Ask your employer about a sabbatical to get your son settled. Somewhere between half a term and a term, perhaps longer.

Absolutely this.

DS is the child of both of you. He’s not just your issue, just as your work doesn’t become weirdly dispensable because you have a vagina.

If you want to work OP, and you're very sensible to, then you need to put your foot down with your H immediately and insist on your right to do so. Because his attitude is appalling and is telling you all you need to know about where the responsibilities are going to lie for the future. He wants you to carry the full weight of your DSs needs while he furthers his job. He will continue to progress, and you will fall further behind until it will make 'no sense at all' for you to share the paid work opportunities and domestics. He will have a career. You will be stuck at home.
Tell him you are withdrawing your notice and he can either go part time to do his share of child care, or make other arrangements. He does not get to deny you the right to work.

I do think my current job isn't really compatible with DS who must come first.
He currently attends the nursery where I work which is fine as I can obviously bring him in for the morning and then pick him up at 6 but clearly school isn't going to be like that (reception aren't allowed to attend breakfast /after school club for the first six weeks). Like I said if he's on a reduced timetable or having meltdowns there needs to be a parent available.
I'm thinking more towards leaving childcare (hopefully short term) and finding something with flexi time or even early mornings /late evening just so I still have my own money and identity but whatever I suggest DH objects to it,. I don't know. U have offered to give up my job which I do like and do something else but DH doesn't want me to work. Today he said there'll be lots of appointments and disruption for DS in coming months (true) and DS needs the stability of knowing I'm around for him. He's making me feel awful for even continuing working.

I think your DH is probably very anxious about your DS starting school, and feeling frustrated that you are having doubts about being a SAHM at what feels to him like the last minute. From his perspective, it will feel like unnecessary stress as the decision for you to quit had already been made. That said… he needs to understand that you are concerned about your own wellbeing were you to become a SAHM, and that this would have a knock-on impact on your DC. You clearly understand that with DS starting school with the needs he has, your current role is not sustainable, but that doesn’t mean that no role will be. Have you considered a breakfast club supervisor role? Or doing lunch cover at nurseries? Lunchtime supervision at schools is often 12-1.15pm so that may also be an option.

I know he is worried about DS starting school and perhaps you are right and he's worried rather than being controlling /making me feel guilty.
It's my own fault for not thinking it through properly when we talked about me giving up work.
I desperately do want what's best for DS but perhaps working in a school will work best.