DD13 - boys

[Onedayatatime8]

Hi all

I have found messages on my DD’s phone from a boy she is talking to. She likes him but I am very concerned about the tone of it all which is very controlling ie constantly accusing her of talking to other boys, constantly asking why she is making tik toms looking Nice ‘who are you trying to impress’ telling her she can’t spell, getting in moods all of a sudden, telling her she doesn’t care, calling her names when she has agreed with him they should end it. It seems he has messaged another boy who was her ex and this other boy has told him they still talk. He’s constantly telling her to block people and from what I can gather he is also messaging other girls. I know my dd is friends with a lot of boys and don’t think she should have to block all these.

anyway I’m planning on speaking to her and saying ThT this is worrying and it’s not healthy and asking her to end it with him in a nice way but to phase out messaging him as I’m worried where this is going . I get the feeling she is constantly trying to appease him
as he does have a sister that’s a bit mouthy and she sees them at school. AIBU ??
I know she may lie to me about this after and we have an open relationship so far but I can’t stand by and allow her in this at her age can I?

the other thing is iv noticed she does flit from
boy to boy she is not sexual and going out with a boy to her is they message and say they are going out. But I’m worried where this will lead.

Also worried it stems from loneliness and insecurity as we don’t have much of a family it’s just me and her really and my mum has sever mh difficulties so maybe she’s seeking the things we don’t have. I feel really sad about that and try to give all I have I feel very guilty I don’t have the family atmosphere it’s just me and her really. I’m not sure what I can do about that

I'm wondering if there is a teenager version of the freedom program by woman's aid? What you describe is how my teen relationships were (although not that extremely) I went on to a series of abusive partners each one worse than the last. Didn't see it as abusive till it got physical.

It's that controlling part that's so bad. You say she's constantly trying to appease him. Even when she escapes him this behaviour pattern can set her up for men to be controlling in future. She needs to understand what is controlling that this is not care and love. She needs to value herself and how she feels more than the discomfort she's trying to shield her abusers from when she holds her boundaries. I found personally it's that feeling you feeling ok is perfectly acceptable and your comfort is worth as much as his comfort- girls are raised to take a step back to the comfort of men and if taken too much to heart it blinds you to spotting your own abuse.

She is a people pleaser, as am
i unfortunately. I know for me it’s like a safety thing as I had 2 very abusive relationships (not had a relationship since she was 5 because of this) and then my mother had been controlling and coercive my whole life and so I know she may have picked on these things as much as I tried to shield her.

that’s exactly it she’s constantly trying to pick him up when he makes these comments and he is telling her she shouldn’t be going out and things. I am going to look for some healthy teen relationship stuff. He’s the most popular boy in the school
apparntlt and I think she is blinded by that! Im
si angry with him

I think when you speak to her it might be better to empower her to end it rather than make the suggestion yourself, perhaps by telling her she doesn't have to put up with a boyfriend who makes her feel bad about herself or tries to make her responsible for his emotions and that persevering with people who are never satisfied is very damaging to self esteem.

It's good that you recognise she may have picked up on your tendency to appease people, do you think it might help if you were able to address this issue and model different behaviour for her?

I think that’s a good idea I will definitely take this line.
over the years with a lot of self help and counselling I have. I do have boundaries and that now and I try to assert myself. She is learning too but I just recognise the signs with her. I do feel that when you have little family you naturally feel more vulnerable in the world. I try to not let her feel that a lot but I wonder if this is what it’s about

Oh that is worrying especially at her age . You absolutely need to talk to her. I’ve not got a lot of advice where to start with it but I think telling her to end it with him may not work and rather chat about how what he’s doing is wrong. I know in this situation though I’d probably hit the roof, ban her from even talking to him and send the messages to his parents !

That’s what I want to do but I know for my dd she will just think I’m trying to ruin her life

Hard isn’t it. My daughter is 18 and not had a boyfriend yet. I think I’ve probably gone overboard with the advice as every boy she chats to she finds a problem with !

only you know your daughter and how best to approach it. Best of luck with it. It’s incredibly sad that boys that age can be so jealous and controlling. I wonder if it’s learned behaviour .

Thanks all had a chat and just told her I think it’s really worrying she agreed and said she didn’t want to anger him so kept trying to make him happy.we wrote out a message together he didn’t take it well but I prepped her that he likely wouldn’t like being rejected xx