Not sure that I like my own mother

[Diamondtortoise]

She is 65 years old now. As she gets older she’s becoming more opinionated and those opinions are becoming more extreme.

She religiously watches Jeremy Vine on channel 5 every weekday and the news on repeat.

Just a few things:

• She doesn’t believe in feminism
• She thinks this country should be white Christian
• She doesn’t think gay men or women should get married
• She thinks people claiming pip are lazy and ‘everyone has something these days’

If I try to challenge her on any of these things she gets immediately so defensive and nasty.

I have to walk away every time she says anything like this now. It’s really tainting my view of her though and makes me sad. I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs but it’s quite upsetting when your own mother seems so angry when you even try and look at things from a different perspective.

Are there any potential medical factors, e.g. might she have high blood pressure if she seems to developed a very short fuse? I know that doesn’t make her political opinions better, but if there’s a personality change I might wonder if there are factors like that at play. It does seem like it can change someone’s personality unfortunately.

I can relate to this. My mother, as she is getting older has become more and more bitter and entitled. She believes her opinions to be factual. She thinks she’s right about everything, has an extremely suspicious mind and can gossip about anyone and anything. She comes across extremely bitter and jealous. She likes to override everything I say in front of my children and if I even so much as roll my eyes at her she will have a full on toxic argument with me even if I try to abstain she will provoke a reaction at some point.
I used to really get along with my mum and look up to her and it feels really crappy that I have this really negative perception of her right now.
so no advice here, just that I can relate x

Try and not let it bother you, it isn't like it's personal to you ?

What was she like when you were growing up ? Was she always a bit like that ?

I’ve heard that we tend to get more conservative as we age. My Mum became a bit like you describe, she was particularly annoyed by people having children they couldn’t afford and other similar things. Eventually she developed Alzheimer’s so I’m not sure if these issues are related

This. You say you understand she's entitled to her own opinion so keep reminding yourself of that!

She doesn't have to agree with you about anything and vice versa.

Perhaps it is age related, you're not her age so you can't relate, maybe your views will change 30 years from now, who knows, but she's just as entitled to think whatever she wants about anything as you are....your views aren't more valid just because, in your opinion, they're the 'right' ones.

I'm 63 and yes, I think I am now more opinionated (but not in the way you describe!). I now have the confidence to let people know what I think. I dont, most of the time, because I don't want to cause ructions and some of my opinions are certainly different to those of my daughter. However she does not have any issue with letting me know her opjnions, even when she knows they are different from mine.

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, opinions, whatever. What they are not entitled to do, whether they are 30 or 60, is to push those onto other people.

Quite frankly there are times when I don't like my daughter very much - but I love her to bits.

Assuming the OP’s a woman, then being anti-feminist is personal to her. And if she has any LGB or not-white/not-Christian friends at all then so are some of the other views. I assume the people defending OP’s mum are those who sorta agree with her, tbh.

She has probably always thought this but maybe you just didn't notice, now she might have a bit more time in her hands so she just voices it. She doesn't sound particularly pleasant.

@Harara I don't agree with her, but I've a relative a bit like this too and it's just pointless trying to change his mind, and I can't be bothered arguing with him about it.

Is she spending a lot of time online? I think we spend so much time worrying about teenagers using the internet, but actually older people are very ill-equipped to deal with it too. My FIL is addicted to his phone/laptop and gets all his news from rightwing sources that used to be fairly moderate but now serve up a steady diet of fear and outrage for clicks. Combine that online content with being retired, and so having fewer contacts with the real world to remind you it's not all bad, and you have a recipe for angry old folk.

Has she got more time on her hands so that she's thinking about these things? She might be spending time ruminating.

She might simply disagree with you - I'm sure you feel that your opinions are the 'correct' ones but in the end they are all just opinions.

In terms of not allowing any discussion - was this always the case or is it something new.

Sometimes it's a reflection on age, how the world has changed since you were young and maybe missing that youth/world. Added to a rose tinted view of the past.

I think the phrase 'we'll have to agree to disagree on that' will help.

in the end they are all just opinions.

Well not really, because they affect the way people vote, which then has an effect on real people’s lives. You could say that being anti-abortion was ‘just an opinion’ in the States, but given that pre-teen girls who have been raped are now being refused abortions in their home states, and won’t get one at all unless they’ve got the resources and the support to go out of state, which very much isn’t a given especially at that age, I’d say that they’re a bit more than ‘just opinions’.

I don't think 65 is that old - she would have been a young adult in the 80s and benefitted from changes in society that took place in the 60s and 70s so if these opinions are new I agree it's quite disturbing. It may be that she has thought them for a long time and now feels able to articulate them. I know lots of 60s 70s and 80 year olds who would be appalled by her views. So I also agree with other posters that is this seems very new to keep an eye on other aspects of her wellbeing

And realising you don't like your parents is quite liberating in my experience. You can love people but not like them.

Has she recently retired?

My parents had too much free time on their hands when not working, and started developing really weird opinions and theories about the world.

You don't have to have Alzheimer's to be annoyed with people having children they can't afford! It's just common sense.

We have the same with my MIL, and it's getting worse as she ages. She watches GB News, then spouts all sorts of nonsense (in our opinion) depending what they've been discussing on the channel that day. Some of her views are really quite extreme, and some are quite worrying (racist, homophobic etc)

We have to bite our lip and remember that these are just her opinions, even if to us they are extreme (although we will say something if her views are offensive).

She's also very fond of giving her opinion on matters that really don't concern her, and has fallen out with almost all her family over the years except us (perhaps because we're a bit more patient than others, and we are all she has left)

My DH often says that although he loves his mum, he really doesn't like her very much.

No it isn’t, it actually shows a lack of critical thinking ability. Life happens, what you can afford one day may be entirely different five years down the line. With your thinking people earning minimum wage jobs cannot afford to have children, ever. A significant number of people on benefits are in work, a lot of them full time but their poor wages need to be topped up with benefits so that the shareholders can get their dividends.

This. Why are people always trying to 'teach' others what to think. So long as she isn't hurting anyone, leave her to it.

"older people are very ill-equipped to deal with it too"

Are we @tinymeteor ?

What age person should be supporting me in my use of the Internet?

The OP's mum is 65. Our generation may not be digital natives but we don't all believe that there are tiny men running around inside our phones.

FWIW, my mother also became angry and right-wing in her old age. Thus far, I've avoided both.

Join the club, I don’t like my mother, am tired of her digs etc.

I think she is bitter.

Mine is a Daily Mail reader and believes it all. She calls gay women ’lezzers’. 🤦🏼‍♀️ She had the cheek to complain to me the other day that a family member told her off for being pissed on a family weekend (talks absolute shite when drunk, which is pretty much every night) in front of very young kids. Everyone else manages to have a social drink without being out of control.

You don’t have to like your family, it’s not the law. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, didn't mean to be a patronising twat. Should perhaps say 'some' older people.

My point is just that we do a lot of handwringing about young people and the internet, and pay less attention to the fact that its addictive/destructive properties affect older people too. And in my elderly FIL's case, it's definitely getting worse with age, he seems less able to disengage or put what he reads online into perspective. Lots of news sites now have a business model that relies on rage clicks, but he thinks of them, and trusts them, as if they were still the print newspapers of yore.

I don’t agree that opinions are harmless, and we should just ignore, they don’t affect the relationship etc. A persons opinions and how they express them are a key part of their personality. When spouting those opinions fill 90% of the time you spend with someone, and they’re generally negative, and the rest of the time they’re gossiping about others, eventually it’s natural to come to the conclusion that they’re just not a very nice person. It’s unfortunate if someone turns nasty as they get older, just when they need to rely on family more. That family might be unwilling to offer that help if they’re really unpleasant to be around.