DH and night feeds

[Realdummy]

DS is 6 weeks old, currently I do all the night feeds. This is 1 or 2 x per night which usually takes about 45 mins, DS was a low birth weight so is a slow eater, he then usually needs a nappy change (I know I could leave this but he leaks if I don’t change every 4 hours because he still needs preemie nappies which are less absorbent) and burping or he is sick.

DH sleeps in the room with us but literally will not wake up unless I shake him or shout loudly, he will then be drifting in and out of sleep for 15 or 20 mins whilst I continuously poke/shout/ask him to wake up by which time DS will be screaming himself silly! He won’t wake up to DS stirring in the cot. It’s really starting to irk me and I’ve ended up doing all the night feeds for a few weeks now as it’s such a PITA to wake him up.

He says there’s nothing he can do and I should keep shaking him awake but it drives me nuts then having to wait 15 or 20 mins with DS screaming meaning I’m awake anyway!

AIBU here? I’m on my knees with tiredness from all the broken nights which I did expect but feels like only one of us is taking the burden!

Assuming you're bottle feeding yanbu. Get to a different room, with earplugs, for half the night.

Honestly, 1 or 2 night feeds is really not so bad. I assume you’re on maternity leave? Is husband working? If so it’s not really fair to expect him to do night feeds. Could you go to bed really early and let your husband do the last feed and get baby to bed, then you’ll be able to get a bit more sleep in before the night waking.

Proven fact a baby crying isn't even in the top 10 of sounds that wake a man.
Dh used to take ds downstairs around 5 am and gave me a couple of hours unbroken sleep. Worked amazing for me!! And he got some time alone with ds. I seriously doubt you would sleep through dh sorting out the baby anyway.

DH has 12 weeks off work paternity leave (v generous employer) and yes bottle feeding

YANBU

I certainly did the majority of nights but he would always do plenty. Weekends he’d take over fully anyway.

He needs to sort himself out. I bet he wakes up when his alarm goes off, of he has a meeting etc.

Convenient (and lazy) deafness.

Does he sleep through other loud noises or just the sound of his baby?

Keep a spray bottle of cold water on your bedside table.

Sorry to say this but sounds pretty normal. Not ideal of course but based on anecdotes from friends, more than half of husbands never wake up for the feeds. They simply can't comprehend the level of disruption and self-sacrifice a baby requires and thus feel entitled to keep on sleeping. Sadly it's also a reason many relationships crumble within the first two years of having a baby.

I'd say about a third of women are lucky enough to have partners who genuinely help them and take over as much of their load as possible. Another third have total bastards who are abusive, cheaters, liars, addicts or other behaviours that means separation is virtually unavoidable. The final third have the lazy "inbetween" husbands who are not directly arseholes but just don't pull their weight anymore after a baby.

The truth is that many women just suck it up and do it all themselves. In the bigger picture, it's a fairly short phase of your life. Some men are better with older children and if you pull through the baby-toddler stage then it generally gets better. Comparison won't bring anything as it's such a shameful issue many women will never admit to it.

A lazy husband is unlikely to change drastically. MN seems to believe that confronting a lazy man will magically get him to pull his weight, but in reality that's simply not true. It will only result in lots of arguments and maybe a few temporary gestures (eg taking the baby for half a day) but all that quickly fizzles away.