Birth Partner v No Birth Partner

[BeyondForever]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and am in a slight dilemma. I've already made my birth plan and was due to have my Grandmother as my birth partner, however she has recently become quite ill and I'm not sure it's still going to be appropriate to have her as my BP due to her health even though she's adamant that she really wants to be there.

My only other option for a BP is the baby's dad. For context we have been split since I found out about the pregnancy because he's quite abusive and manipulative. He's had no involvement so far in the pregnancy and planning. He only really wants involved if I will get back together with him, where he can control everything. He's also unreliable and has addiction issues so won't be able to 100% know if he will be in a fit state once the time comes. In all honesty he stresses me out and personally would be the worst possible person to have in the vulnerable state of giving birth and the aftermath.

So I guess, if my GM remains in ill health, my only options are to give birth alone or with him by my side. What would you do in my situation? Does anyone have any experience of solo birth they can share?

My DP was there but honestly I had very little need of him, I was very focused on the process and I guess I was lucky that it was all pretty straightforward so I didn't need anyone to advocate for me. What about a doula? Is there anytime any friends or midwife could recommend?

I don't really have anyone else I could ask, though I could raise the question with my midwife at my next appointment to see if there's anything they can recommend.

Sorry if this is dumb but what is a doula?

With that choice, I'd definitely do it alone. You absolutely don't need someone there who is stressing you out.

My husband was pretty useless anyway - not in a negative way but I didn't need him other than sticking the Tens pads on.

I had one of mine without a birth partner, I arrived at hospital and was taken straight to the delivery suite, baby was born after a few hours. I was quite happy to do it all alone actually but after the birth I really needed someone with me. With the 3rd I was in hospital for a few days before I was in labour, I spent a lot of that time alone as DH had to be with the others, so he was there for the birth bit I actually needed him much more in those hours/days prior.

Actually giving birth alone wasn't bad, the midwives were amazing and much more supportive than DH would have been - he never knows what to say

My Stbxdh was there and was absolutely useless, mostly on his phone or disappeared for hours getting food.
If you have to do it alone you'll be absolutely fine. The nurses I had were great and the one who was there when I delivered Dd1 was absolutely wonderful.

I think you need to consider what it is you actually want from a BP.

In my mind it was someone you would feel safe with, who would help keep you calm and advocate on your behalf if you became unable to or felt unheard and who you could talk through decisions with and generally be attentive to what you need so you can focus on breathing and letting your body do what it needs to.

I personally think I'd rather do that alone with clear instructions for the team than with someone who's abusive and manipulative who you can't trust since you'll be in a vulnerable position.

A doula is a paid birth partner. I'd recommend looking into that and pricing it to see if that's a better option for you. They often also do pre birth preparation and sometimes after care depending on what you want and need.

Hopefully your granny will be feeling better and be able to be there.

I'm currently dithering on the issue. Pregnant with my first as a single parent. Part of me thinks going it alone and just having a special moment with my baby and not worrying about looking after my mum/sisters is the way forward.
The other part thinks that it would be amazing to have someone have their and any one of them would be amazing.

If you can afford a doula definitely do it, I had one for my 2nd child after a traumatic first birth, she was AMAZING

I think the parts before and after rather than the actual birth itself is what is more on my mind for having someone there as I don't think I'd be a huge deal of company during the actual birth. Of course there are things that are important to me throughout the birth. Such as...

birth: having someone who's calm and supportive with me throughout. Encouraging me, and just presently there etc but also someone who is on standby incase any advocacy or discussion about changes/intervention is needed, where they understand my absolute no nos. For example, I do not want forcep intervention at all due to the potential long term risk that ive heard can come with that. I want to be able to not feel judged by my choices of potential pain relief and for how I present during. I'd like to feel comfortable being sweaty or dramatic or in a zone, etc.

Lead up/afterwards: I'd like to have someone who will occupy me but also be okay if im not in the mood but still provide encouragement through contractions or a lengthy labour. I do not want to be ignored or be treated like I don't exist or a wimp. Who will allow me to rest when I need to but not completely take over care of the baby and to provide assistance with my own general care if I need it without lowkey bullying me and making me feel self conscious.

I gave birth without a partner the first time and I couldn't have cared less. He was playing football. The second time he was as useful as a chocolate t pot. To be honest all I needed was a midwife who knew what she was doing and her oppo. I had my second husband with me the third time and yes, it was nice but again I would have been fine alone.
Kick bio dad into touch mate you'll be fine

Choice between alone and baby's dad then it's alone.

Choice between grandmother and alone then it's grandmother.

Whether you need to birth partner or not to advocate for you is down to luck.

Look into using a volunteer doula

In reality its just about the what ifs and I don't think I really have an issue with doing the whole thing alone. I'm pretty independent in general anyways and would make the experience alone as special as i could. Though I recall a very overwhelming sense of feeling completely alone when I walked out of my first scan without anyone to share the experience with. It soon past and its never occurred again but gosh it was strong.

Why would you be looking after them?

Whoever you choose has the job to look after you, then if there are any complications they need to look after the baby while you get dealt with.

They don't get looked after at all. If they can't deal with the fact they have to discretely sort out their own food and when they go to the toilet then they shouldn't be your birth partner.

I'm sorry your grandmother might not be well enough.

I had a doula with me second birth (as well as my husband) and she was brilliant. A much better birth partner than my husband! I remember being told that there are doulas who can support women on low income/voluntary in certain circumstances so look into that.

Also have a good chat with your midwife team. If they know your circumstance they might be able to offer additional support too.

ignore this if you like as I generally try not to give advice, but I would strongly advise against having your ex there- you can't even rely on him prioritising being there if he is an addict and as he is an abuser he will use it as an opportunity to regain control over you
its not at all unheard of to give birth alone, single mums having their 2nd or 3rd baby might easily have to do it
the mws will look after you, don't worry! you sound strong- you've got this!

Ive done one with dh and one alone.
The alone one was very relaxing as it was just me and the mw getting the job done!

Im glad DH was at DS birth for his sake, but he didnt really add anything to the experience except for taking pics

I’d definitely look into getting a Doula they can be really supportive and help advocate for you when NHS (IME) i felt I wasn’t listed to at all. I would have had one but when gave birth during covid you could only have one and my DP was keen

I had my husband and my mum and tbh it was afterwards that I really needed the support and my mum was perfect. It was a very straightforward birth but I had some clear ideas like you and made sure that they were both aware of these and talked them through so they could advocate for me if needed.
I have met a few doulas since having the baby and would definitely consider having one if I didn’t have the same support available next time.

I gave birth alone and it ended up as emergency c-section and honestly, it was fine. The midwives were supportive and the whole medical team kept me informed of what was happening during the procedure. As a single parent I'd been scared of having a c-section because of the recovery but I could look after my baby by myself afterwards.

Couple of points to consider:
How will you get to the hospital? I got a taxi which was very uncomfortable during contractions but manageable because the hospital wasn't too far away.

If your GM isn't well enough to be your birth partner maybe she could still come and visit straight afterwards, giving you some time to rest and help with the baby.

My experience is that they can't use forceps without your consent (signed form) so if it gets to that point just say you want a c-section instead.

Thank you everyone it's really helped, even just writing it down, that it's definitely the better choice of GM or alone. Though I will definitely discuss a "just in case" scenario with my midwife and look into a doula as a way to cover all basis.

Realistically I don't think ex was ever a healthy option for me anyways, I guess it was just the potential shock of my grans sudden poor health that led to the whole having nobody or atleast somebody thought process to pan out. It kind of made a small part of me question I'm being unreasonable preventing someone the experience of his child's birth. But its quite obvious if I was to consider him, I'd be very much alone or wish I was anyways.

My only options for getting to and from the hospital are taxi or, in worst case scenario, ambulance anyways if its a spontaneous labour, as no one drives so thats not an issue.

Honestly, I think birth plans are just 'nice to haves' to help give the pregnant mother something to focus on and feel she has control over. If in the moment a forceps delivery is needed then I'm sure they'll do it in order to save you / baby and you'll agree if it's the only option..

Pain relief again, I was adamant I would just use gas and air, then changed mind to a spinal block/cesarean as I was induced and the pain increased quickly, in the end had the spinal block put in but no actual medication as I needed to push, and then the midwife pinched the Gas and air from me because they needed me to focus and it spaces you out.

As for birthing partner I had both my mum and DDs dad, and in the moment I couldn't tell you what they did as I was so focused on what I was doing. I could have done it without either of them.