Introvert at a funeral

[frenchroadtrip]

The funeral of a very close family member is happening next week, after a drawn-out illness and decline. I was with them when they died and multiple time a week for the past year, so was very hands-on and involved. I've helped to plan the funeral and wake.

Now it's rapidly coming up and I'm feeling ridiculously nervous about the actual funeral. I hate social gatherings at the best of times. I don't want to make small talk or have people seeing how upset I am. I feel like I'm going to have to force myself to be chatty and 'fine' for everyone who is coming to the funeral but didn't bother to see my relative while they were still alive.

WIBU to just stick with my partner during the funeral and at the function afterwards, and leave as soon as I can?

Not at all unreasonable, I'd say. I'm not a fan of big social gatherings either and don't stay any longer than I absolutely must.

A funeral sounds like a good example of where you don’t have to be chatty and cheerful and for will be expecting it. For a close family member, nobody is going to blink if you appear sad and disinclined to chat. Take it slow - but equally, remain open to the idea that you could be brought out of your shell by all the friends and relatives who will have lovely things to say about the deceased and how they knew and felt about them, which could well make you feel a lot better on the day.

But judging people for not visiting when your relative was dying is little different to them judging you as rude and antisocial for not being chatty at a funeral: both are misplaced. Many people are reluctant when it comes to people dying because they’d find it upsetting, or feel they wouldn’t be welcome, or wouldn’t know what to say. Don’t disparage their emotions, when you wouldn’t want them to disparage yours.

Not unreasonable at all. People will completely understand that you might be too upset to mingle.

I could of written this. Iv got to go to a funeral within the next couple of weeks and I don't go anywhere due to panic disorder so I plan on it being as brief as possible and I will be taking some diazepam prior to hopefully stop any panic attacks

Yep, this. Sounds like you will have grief piled on top of other emotions. Keep yourself to yourself, set a fixed time with your OH at which you will leave the function after and then go home and decompress.

If you were the one planning the funeral and wake, I'm not sure it'll be possible for you to leave so soon. It sounds like you're the host, so to speak.

Otherwise, we don't know your family, but generally people wouldn't expect you to be chatty and bubbly.

I am very sorry indeed for your loss and for the need to attend a funeral. Stick to your partner for the whole time

And, Missing the point entirely, but you have just described social anxiety, not introversion.
introverts recharge by spending time alone. Extroverts need other people to get their energy.

as a socially very competent and confident introvert I do wish people would get this right

She said ‘helped plan’ so I don’t think all the expectation of ‘hosting’ falls on her at all. If it does OP then you need to offload that (bizarre) responsibility and explain to whomever else helped you plan that you need to leave by Xpm, you don’t need to tell them why, just be firm that you are not going to be there beyond that point, so there is not the expectation that you either lead the way in terms of tributes or will be there propping up the last mourner at the end.

What @Precipice and @isthewashingdryyet said. If you're the host then typical hosting duties apply so it would be unusual to leave early. But no one will expect you to be the life of the party, so it'll probably be less pressure than hosting something like a birthday.

Get your partner to stick close and help with the conversation, and when people ask how you are it's perfectly acceptable to be honest and say you're tired or overwhelmed.

No one will be judging you