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AIBU?

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Original poster

Online dating keep or bin

24 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 16:54

So seeing this guy for about 6 weeks, low key slow burn. I like him, he is solid, kind, dependable etc but I'm wondering about his faffiness/lack of common sense .
We has a date at the cinema, I arrived 5 mins early and waited for him outside . Transpires he had got there 30 mins early (due to trains) and was sitting inside tucked round a corner even past the ticket stand. He never considered coming out to have a look if I was there. Slow on messaging when it's about times to meet and plans etc. I feel like he is taking my time for granted a bit, we are meant to see each other tomorrow but I'm still waiting on a message from him confirming times etc. I can't work out if I'm being hyper irritated or if that's not on. What do you guys think?

OP posts:
C1N1C · 28/05/2024 17:08

This is easily solved by a pre-date "how are you doing with travel" message along the way. That way both parties know roughly what time you're actually going to be there, and whether they need to kill time or apologise!

As for arranging dates... maybe he's just busy? - there's a difference between seeing messages and ignoring, vs. simply not having the time to read them, or not being one of those on their phones' people.

GeckoFeet · 28/05/2024 17:10

So what was the issue for you with the 5 mins early thing?

RoseGoldEagle · 28/05/2024 17:12

Things like this can sound minor, but if they are irritating you already, it’s likely an indicator that you should let this one go. I found all sorts of random niggly things annoying when I was dating, and kept thinking it was probably just me being picky. Weirdly DH even does some of the things I found irritating in other people- but I just don’t find annoying at all with him!

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/05/2024 17:14

"I arrived 5 mins early and waited for him outside . Transpires he had got there 30 mins early (due to trains) and was sitting inside tucked round a corner even past the ticket stand. He never considered coming out to have a look if I was there. "
What, he expected you to telepathically know he was already there even though you couldn't see him? That's a level of stupidity I could not be doing with.

GasPanic · 28/05/2024 17:14

He sounds either a bit lacking in empathy or not that serious about you.

Eg not trying to search for you and realising their may be issues or not getting back to you re plans is inconsiderate. The challenge is working out whether it is because he is indifferent to you, or just not using his brain properly.

Finding someone online who is good is hard work though. So binning someone IMO is not something that should be done on a whim.

What signals have you got back from him re your relationship so far. If he has expressed interest and has acted like he wants a serious relationship then maybe worthwhile telling him to up his game and that you don't feel valued re his behaviour.

If your overwhelming feeling is that he is indifferent to you and is just wanting to meet up when there is nothing else to do and you are good as a stop gap then probably best to just bin him now.

KreedKafer · 28/05/2024 17:18

We has a date at the cinema, I arrived 5 mins early and waited for him outside . Transpires he had got there 30 mins early (due to trains) and was sitting inside tucked round a corner even past the ticket stand. He never considered coming out to have a look if I was there.

But why did you just stand outside the cinema, rather than going in to see if he was there? Why is your approach any better than his? Why didn't you just text and say 'Hey, just arrived. Are you here yet?' You sound really passive.

Slow on messaging when it's about times to meet and plans etc. I feel like he is taking my time for granted a bit, we are meant to see each other tomorrow but I'm still waiting on a message from him confirming times etc.

You're not seeing each other until tomorrow. Why do you need a message now to confirm what time? Surely tomorrow he can just text and say 'Is 7.30 OK for tonight?' If you need to plan further in advance, just ask him instead of sitting there waiting. He's not a mind-reader.

KrisAkabusi · 28/05/2024 17:19

You both stood pointlessly waiting for the other person.

You sound perfect for each other!

Sparklfairy · 28/05/2024 17:19

That would weird me out more than anything. Normally it's me that's early (ADHD means I make sure I'm early because the default would be late!) but I always find somewhere to sit and have a drink or whatever, then at a reasonable time so I don't look like an overkeen stalker type I text and say 'Let me know when you're here, I'm sitting near the door of the cinema/I'm in the pub round the corner.'

What sort of weirdo arrives early and then essentially hides out of sight, all vacant and oblivious to your arrival? TEXT, YOU LUNATIC.

and breathe.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:23

GeckoFeet · 28/05/2024 17:10

So what was the issue for you with the 5 mins early thing?

We missed each other and I went to go home!
I walked round inside the cinema but didn't see him (he was tucked so far around the corner I couldn't have got through without a ticket so I didn't think he would be up there) he was there as he was so early there was no one on the ticket stand) he never even thought to come out and look for me. I tried messaging but he didn't see it, tried calling but it didn't connect

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:25

GasPanic · 28/05/2024 17:14

He sounds either a bit lacking in empathy or not that serious about you.

Eg not trying to search for you and realising their may be issues or not getting back to you re plans is inconsiderate. The challenge is working out whether it is because he is indifferent to you, or just not using his brain properly.

Finding someone online who is good is hard work though. So binning someone IMO is not something that should be done on a whim.

What signals have you got back from him re your relationship so far. If he has expressed interest and has acted like he wants a serious relationship then maybe worthwhile telling him to up his game and that you don't feel valued re his behaviour.

If your overwhelming feeling is that he is indifferent to you and is just wanting to meet up when there is nothing else to do and you are good as a stop gap then probably best to just bin him now.

I think this is good advice, he's been nice I other ways and does seem to want to meet so I'll perhaps chat to him about how he sees it

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:26

KreedKafer · 28/05/2024 17:18

We has a date at the cinema, I arrived 5 mins early and waited for him outside . Transpires he had got there 30 mins early (due to trains) and was sitting inside tucked round a corner even past the ticket stand. He never considered coming out to have a look if I was there.

But why did you just stand outside the cinema, rather than going in to see if he was there? Why is your approach any better than his? Why didn't you just text and say 'Hey, just arrived. Are you here yet?' You sound really passive.

Slow on messaging when it's about times to meet and plans etc. I feel like he is taking my time for granted a bit, we are meant to see each other tomorrow but I'm still waiting on a message from him confirming times etc.

You're not seeing each other until tomorrow. Why do you need a message now to confirm what time? Surely tomorrow he can just text and say 'Is 7.30 OK for tonight?' If you need to plan further in advance, just ask him instead of sitting there waiting. He's not a mind-reader.

We are meeting tomorrow morning , not night. I have text for clarity and he's read but not replied, I need to know as I have another commitment later in the day

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:28

KrisAkabusi · 28/05/2024 17:19

You both stood pointlessly waiting for the other person.

You sound perfect for each other!

No need for the snarkiness. Genuine post wanting to chat about an issue I'm finding hard

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:32

Sparklfairy · 28/05/2024 17:19

That would weird me out more than anything. Normally it's me that's early (ADHD means I make sure I'm early because the default would be late!) but I always find somewhere to sit and have a drink or whatever, then at a reasonable time so I don't look like an overkeen stalker type I text and say 'Let me know when you're here, I'm sitting near the door of the cinema/I'm in the pub round the corner.'

What sort of weirdo arrives early and then essentially hides out of sight, all vacant and oblivious to your arrival? TEXT, YOU LUNATIC.

and breathe.

Vacant and oblivious sums up how it felt to me. I was like OH COME ON

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/05/2024 17:35

I'm confused re the cinema thing. Did you actually meet him or go home because you couldn't find him? Don't understand why he went and sat in that part of the cinema, where you couldn't see him unless you bought a ticket. Did he explain why he did that?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:38

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/05/2024 17:35

I'm confused re the cinema thing. Did you actually meet him or go home because you couldn't find him? Don't understand why he went and sat in that part of the cinema, where you couldn't see him unless you bought a ticket. Did he explain why he did that?

Yeah I assumed he had missed the train or something . No messages were being read.
I left the cinema to go home, but on the way, I stopped at a nearby starbucks. I then saw him leave about 10 mins after me , so I went out, and got him. He had his phone in his hand, all my WhatsApp had 2 grey ticks so had delivered so I don't know how he hadn't seen them. He was apologetic, and we went to a later showing of the film. He seemed genuinely sorry, not blagging

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:40

He didn't explain why he sat there other than there was a seat there. That's what I mean about lack of common sense. Surely, after sitting down for 30 minutes you might wander near the door where you think your date might be hovering at the time she's meant to be there

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/05/2024 17:42

crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:38

Yeah I assumed he had missed the train or something . No messages were being read.
I left the cinema to go home, but on the way, I stopped at a nearby starbucks. I then saw him leave about 10 mins after me , so I went out, and got him. He had his phone in his hand, all my WhatsApp had 2 grey ticks so had delivered so I don't know how he hadn't seen them. He was apologetic, and we went to a later showing of the film. He seemed genuinely sorry, not blagging

Show quote history

Hmm, how strange. Did he try ringing/messaging you in the time you were waiting for him, or after you'd left?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:43

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/05/2024 17:42

Hmm, how strange. Did he try ringing/messaging you in the time you were waiting for him, or after you'd left?

Show quote history

No, another weird thing

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/05/2024 17:50

I don't think he actually went to the cinema but can't understand why he was in the area, maybe to see if you turned up, and then he left not expecting you to pop out of Starbucks! I just can't get my head around his motives but he certainly wouldn't have had another date with me after this

Sparklfairy · 28/05/2024 17:52

crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 17:38

Yeah I assumed he had missed the train or something . No messages were being read.
I left the cinema to go home, but on the way, I stopped at a nearby starbucks. I then saw him leave about 10 mins after me , so I went out, and got him. He had his phone in his hand, all my WhatsApp had 2 grey ticks so had delivered so I don't know how he hadn't seen them. He was apologetic, and we went to a later showing of the film. He seemed genuinely sorry, not blagging

Show quote history

It might just be me, but I'd find that a bit of a turn off. Not enough to immediately dump, but I'd keep an eye on it and dump if it was going to be a regular annoyance. I like someone who is a bit, idk, proactive? Like would realise he's sitting out of sight, and would think to either text or move outside/to a more obvious place. Not just sit there gormlessly with not a thought in his head. I couldn't be arsed to turn up at future dates and if he wasn't there, have to start thinking of random dark corners he could be hiding in Hmm

BigSaddo · 28/05/2024 17:56

The ignoring your messages would be the put off me. If I end up early for something I’ll find a seat but I’d also let you know where I am and keep an eye on my phone. He sounds annoyingly gormless 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 18:00

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/05/2024 17:50

I don't think he actually went to the cinema but can't understand why he was in the area, maybe to see if you turned up, and then he left not expecting you to pop out of Starbucks! I just can't get my head around his motives but he certainly wouldn't have had another date with me after this

He definitely did as I saw him come out of the cinema doors

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 28/05/2024 18:01

Gormless and passive sums it up.
I was with someone for a while who was passive and it split us up so I'm wondering if I'm being hypervigilant

OP posts:
GeckoFeet · 28/05/2024 18:05

Hypervigilance is there for a reason...to keep you safe. It seems like this could be a deal breaker for you and the hypervigilance has enabled you to spot it early on so you can deal with it.

(No idea if it's hypervigilance or ants spelling)

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