This is a long one .
My daughter starts high school in 2 years , so it is a while away , but I have been thinking about it .
I am separated from her dad. Dad has her 3 nights per week. He lives with his parents . They have a big house , money . Good dad - just can be quite childish ( even though he’s older than me ) . When I say childish , I don’t mean anything that affects his ability to take care of our daughter - him and his parents adore her , none of his siblings have children so she’s the only grandchild . But , just in terms of official things - he just doesn’t really have a clue . We have a fractured relationship but my daughter loves him and as I work full time his parents do school runs and really help . However , we live in different areas . I have just moved ( well a year ago ) so we don’t live near her school now ( neither does dad , he never has ) . I didn’t move her as I didn’t want to unsettle her and moving to a school closer to me I felt was unfair as I don’t do a lot of school runs and her current school is closer to her dad than a school near me would be and as Nan and grandad do school runs I felt that would also be unfair. Also - dad didn’t want the move and it would have been a battle .
However , DD knows she won’t be going to the local high school where her friends are going and I’m happy about this as we live in a better area , with 3 high schools close to us . The area where her primary is is not a good area , hence why we moved . My area isn’t the best area , but it’s nice and lots better than where her school is . Her dad’s area is about the same as mine - but no schools are too close to his. They border onto a very nice area , with schools that are better but it would mean buses ( and they’re not in the catchment area ) . They also have 2 schools in their catchment area that aren’t great at all . All schools near dad would require travel by bus . The schools near me - one is a requires improvement and 2 are good . But the one that requires improvement has only had one ofsted that went to inadequate ( after being outstanding ) then by next review it was at requires improvement- so they had improved . They had changed to an academy when they dropped from outstanding. It’s in a residential area , walking distance from me and is a nicer area with no real trouble around it. It’s a smaller high school , never crowds of kids around etc it all clears quite quick . Not a high school you would dread to walk past at 3pm like some . I have 2 others close that would require a short bus ride that are better and I plan on putting those 3 down but expecting the closest one to be offered .
Dad has been a bit of a problem with this . He wants to apply for a really good school that is closer to him - but this means she would have to get 2 buses and i feel like going that far means she won’t likely have friends that are local to her at either mine or dads. I’ve explained to him that we won’t probably get that anyway and that she officially lives with me so it’s way too far ( if there was a great school near dads and putting dads as her home address would help I would do it if it benefitted her , even if I didn’t want to ) but my defence is that not only is it too far and she won’t have friends but if she doesn’t get that then we can’t argue other schools local to them and the others local are not good schools and miles from me and again , not that local to them so buses etc - he borders on to two bad areas and these are in them ) . Where I live is a nice area with lots of children and one I feel safe with her walking to school ( it’s 5 min walk to the closest) and then she would likely make friends with children in this area and could walk to school with them , socialise with them etc. it’s only 1 day but she spends more time here . It seems like he has issues with the schools being closer to me - but chances are that she will probably want to stay there less when she’s got friends here and can go out with them etc . I don’t know if that is something he’s worried about . To be clear there is no school near dads that she could walk to . The travel is a big factor for me as I don’t particularly want her getting buses and if she has to I would like it being simple , short routes ( if she didn’t get the closest school to me and she got one of the other 2 then that would mean a bus but a short route and not a busy one with lots of other schools along the way ) Dad was angry that I wouldn’t apply for the school “ near “ him ( 2 buses , not in catchment . But a very good school that’s hard to get into so I don’t think a chance in hell she would get it ) . I think that won’t end up being an issue as he is starting to see that I’m being practical about that and not awkward. There is no other school near him that he’s wanting her to go to so I think he was coming around to my thoughts on what schools to apply for .
However, he’s thrown another one in the mix . ( Similar ofsted reports to the one closest to me) the one he’s thrown in in the one local to her school now . However- again , this is not in any of our catchment areas ( it’s just that it’s kind of the feeder from her primary ) . This school is awful at times when children go in and leave at the end of the day . There are fights , the buses are so busy , there has been car accidents as it’s on a massive, busy road ( honestly about 5 incidents this year alone where a child from that school has been hit by a car ) and there has been a stabbing there and other incidents . His argument is that her friends from primary are going there and there is a bus that goes from outside that school and one way takes her to mine and the other way to his . This bus that goes to him goes through awful areas and about 3 other schools . My way - so her coming home to me from there - is always absolutely rammed on the bus . The buses are packed to the point of not being able to move - there is always trouble on the buses and I just don’t want her going there . I’ve tried to explain that 1 - I don’t want that school because of the issues and those bus routes ( he has said Nan and grandad will still take her but I’ve said it’s a long time she’s there , his parents are getting on and they might not be able to always do that and also she will want to travel to and from with her friends at some point ) and 2 - if we apply for a school that is far then we have nothing on our side as defence if they give us a different school that’s far from us ( we can’t argue about travelling if we have applied for one that’s far anyway ) and there is an AWFUL school that is also in my catchment area , that I don’t believe is any worse than the one that’s near her primary, so I feel like applying to the 3 near me - with the worst ( but not bad ) of the 3 in walking distance - then it’s more likely we will at least get that and if we don’t I can argue that they have refused 3 local schools . His only argument for this school is that her friends will go there ( I would like to add she doesn’t have a massive group of friends , she has 2 close and I am sad that she won’t be going with them but she has also had some trouble with another child that will also be going to that school ) and that it is a mid point between us so it’s “ fair “ .
Im not trying to be awkward here . Hes acted like im refusing everything he says because I want it to be schools near me. She spends time with us both , if there were better schools near him I would consider that . It’s not about her going to a school closer to me - it’s about what’s best for her . She has no friends near me as we have not long moved . She has a friend near dads that goes to the school that he wanted originally ( the school that is a good school but hard to get into and not really local to him - 2 buses ) but that friend is only in there because she used to live right near there and she Is also 3 years older so wouldn’t be in her year anyway so even if she could travel with her it wouldn’t be for long , this friend would be in the year before last when DD started . I feel like as their are no schools that are decent that are very local to her dads then it’s better to apply for the ones here that are local and easy to get to and then it’s extremely likely that any friends she makes will be local to her here . The council will only consider one address ( which will be mine as it’s her official address and she’s with me for more time ) . Applying for schools near both me and him , when we don’t live local to each other , surely opens the possibility of sending her anywhere as how can we argue about distance if we’re applying for schools miles away from each other !
I feel like his reasons are not for what is best for DD. Him saying about what’s “fair” is that the school near her primary is the same distance from him as it is to me but that isn’t a reason is it? If the negatives outweigh the positives ?! What’s fair should be fair for her . How does the school being the same distance to both parents benefit her ? The bus that goes past the “fair” school actually goes outside the school local to me ( about 10 minutes extra ) so technically if she wanted to get the bus to dads after school she could - I still wouldn’t be happy with that particular route and would probably make other arrangements - but it isn’t a massive difference . I can take her to dads after school if need be as with her coming home alone and getting changed etc I would then be home and in the mornings Nan or grandad could take her from there and if something happens that they can’t , then yes she would have to get that bus route but she wouldn’t have to get off at that school and be in that mix and in all honesty I think that when she’s in high school we would probably look at changing days around . If ever she was at dads and no one could take her to school in the morning then I would pay for a taxi - it’s only 2 mornings per week she is at dads anyway as it stands . So with me being able to drop her after school it’s not an issue .
I just feel like I’m going to have a battle with him . That he’s unrealistic with how it works - that we can’t pick and choose - and is fuelled by simply not wanting the school to be closer to me than it is to him . But not thinking about what’s best for DD . I also wouldn’t put it past him to try and apply on her behalf before I do and I really worry about that. To clarify - my house is her registered address , I have the majority of care , child benefit comes to me , this is the address on record at school and doctors . There is no court order in place - we decided on this arrangement together .
Just to add - DD knows the schools I want to apply for . She is a bit sad at not going with her friends but understands and is happy about going to a school near us so that she might make friends in this area . She has never said that she wants to go to the high school near her primary school . But he does things different to me - whereas I would tell her everything and all my reasons , dad would be more likely to say “ you aren’t going to have any friends , you won’t know anyone , you’ll be so lonely - nanny and grandad will pick you up and take you so that you don’t have to get that bus “ and I feel like he could persuade her , she’s a daddy’s girl , and she won’t be thinking that at some point she will want to travel independently. This happened before - I considered moving schools to a local primary to me when we moved so that she would be with children who would be going to the local high schools . She was actually excited at the thought , she said she only had 2 friends at her school and didn’t like her school - it was just talk at that point ( for the reasons I said before as Nan and grandad do school runs ) but dad was against it ( he does NO school runs either may I add ) and one night with her dad and she then said no she didn’t want to move as children in the new primary would already have friends and she wouldn’t make new ones … so dads words in her ear. Then another time dad wanted her to have her ears pierced and I didn’t ( she is very sensitive to pain , she was only 6 , I knew she wouldn’t let me clean them properly etc and I said she should wait and she agreed ) then she went to dads and all of a sudden wanted them pierced and begged me to agree . So , I did and lo and behold exactly what I thought would happen , happened. She would scream any time I went near her to clean them and they got infected and had to be taken out .Another time I wanted her hair cut , as it was long - we had a few incidents of nits from school so I suggested we get it cut to a nice mid length ( mornings were a nightmare to brush , dad would never put it up ) so I just took her and got it cut - she absolutely loved it! Dad and Nan didn’t … she came back from one night there and said she didn’t like it as she looked like a boy ( it was just past her shoulders ) and now will only let me get it trimmed and wants to grow it . So I fear that they will sway her and then I’ll be the cruel one not letting her go to a school that I don’t believe is right but then he will have the whole “ I’m not listening to her views “ argument and I will know that it’s him and his parents who are whispering in to her ear .
any advice ?
well done if you got this far !
AIBU ?