Are my DS's grandparents too judgemental

[Elle26]

I feel bad writing this post but it's been on my mind for a while now I just wanted to get all your opinions on the matter, now obviously no one is perfect but I feel I have been brushing some stuff my parents, my DS grandparents, say as I am grateful for all the help they give me with him, they only live 5 minutes away so have babysitted him alot since he was born and even take him all day once every two weeks, my DS is now 7 months old, so at around 2 weeks old we decided to start using a dummy, we just found it so useful when waiting for his milk to be prepared and helping him get off to sleep, my parents however said quite a few times how they never used a dummy with me or my siblings and its a lazy way to deal with a baby, but myself and my husband just found it easier during those early weeks, it made me feel bad for using one. I also was set on breastfeeding for at least the first few months however I had a bad labor experience (24 hour labor then emergency c- section) which I think may have contributed to not producing any milk for the first three days postpartum then low amounts afterwards and by then my DS was used to latching on a bottle, so breastfeeding became more and more painful, then I was convinced I had developed mastitis, I mentioned this to my parents when me and my husband where around their house when my DS was around a week old for dinner, to explain why I was still bottle feeding him, my mum was very understanding having suffered with mastitis before herself but my dad was informing me how it wasn't possible I could have mastitis so soon and I must be wrong and did mention a few times how breastfeeding is best, which I don't think any new mother who struggles to breastfeed needs to hear, I don't want to make a really long post here so the last thing they have said that annoyed me was recently, my mum had a pot of food which was suitable for my DS to eat a bit of, so with a separate clean spoon I fed him a few mouthfuls as it hadn't been too long since he last had a bottle, then my parents both started eating from the pot, my DS was watching them like a hawk and they kept saying that he wanted more and wanted to give him more but of course by then the spoon had been in their mouths, I spend ages sterilising all his cutlery, I didn't want him to eat off the same spoons and i didn't have any clean ones with me, my mum just said itd be fine but my dad said that 'nasty' mum wont let him have anymore, and it just annoyed me, so am I just being way too sensitive here? Just feels better to write it all out instead of turning it over in my head and irritating myself, but I do want to stress my parents are wonderful grandparents and were brilliant parents to me growing up I just want to know if I'm too sensitive here?

To be honest it sounds a bit like something and nothing. People close to you are sometimes honest and direct in a way that others aren’t.

He's your child so it's your rules, and your parents should help you by accepting how you want things done and do them your way!!
They need to remember that things are different nowadays, and they need to catch up with the times.
If either had an ulcer or sore on/in their mouths they could pass something onto your baby - I read about a baby dying a year or so ago because someone with a mouth sore had kissed them and the baby hadn't worked up a decent enough resistance yet. So stick to your guns, YANBU!!!

I think at 7 months your ds will put far worse things in his mouth than an unsterilised spoon, just get him a clean one, Everything else just shut them down with ‘it works for us’ and refuse to engage.

Your parents sound like dicks. Maybe just limit the time you spend with them for a bit. Don’t know why grandparents feel the need to criticise parent’s parenting. They had their turn and then the next generation does things differently. Also they are wrong because dummies lower SIDS, mine wouldn’t take a dummy but I wish she would have!

50% each I'd say

Your Dad was insensitive over the BF comments.

You overreacted over the food thing. Also, you don't need to sterilise cutlery anymore. He's crawling and into everything. Germs are a healthy part of life and it's importance to build resilience. No point creating a job for yourself when he's going to be face planting the floor and licking God knows what.

It's going to get a lot worse in terms of comments from people. School and nursery will feel like a constant judgment.

Have more faith in yourself, and confidence in your parenting skills and just shrug off the other stuff.

I wouldn’t give any of my DC a spoon two other adults had used; I just think it’s a bit yuck. I also don’t expect judgement from my family about how I bring up my DC; they can think what they want but keep it to themselves. My DH said something along those lines to his family early on and they’ve got the message.

Also I’m not over the top about hygiene but I wouldn’t have used that spoon so why would I for the baby

Wow! Not a full stop to be seen. Incredible

Stream of consciousness, innit.😀

Parenting is one of those subjects that everyone, whether parents themselves or not, seem to have a view on.

Unfortunately you will encounter many different views on every conceivable aspect of being a parent.

You just need to be firm about your own beliefs and practices and do what you feel is best for you and your DC . . . 'my child, my rules'

I think what you have described with your own DP is just a bit OTT though ~

My own DM was very anti dummies and didn't like my DN's having them but I'm VERY surprised that your DF is so knowledgeable about mastitis . . . my DF would have retreated to his garden shed when BF etc was being discussed!

You are not being unreasonable to assert your own views on what goes into your childs mouth

Aaaaaand breathe!
I had a lot of this with my first, a parent telling me this and that funnily enough said parent was trying to push dummy use!
Hilarious how a male is trying to be an expert on your breastfeeding experience- take no notice!
Over the spoon, you don't need to sterilise them but they shouldn't be sharing spoons. But trust me, child will be crawling all over The place and sticking everything in their mouth soon.
My parent was very very very overbearing with my first, doesn't wanna know with my second has barely bothered to see them!!
Just try and chill out and enjoy this time, any unsolicited advice, try and grey rock "Thanks for your advice, I'll take that on board" and then proceed to do everything your way.

That's one way of describing it...!!

I wouldn’t have used that spoon but I would have just got a clean one out of the drawer. You don’t need to sterilise baby cutlery.

This is perfect. And about the cutlery, it's right, my carpet is so bloody clean from the amount my little one licked it🤣 believe me, sterilising cutlery isn't needed at 7mo

Imo when family have your dc unsupported they install themselves as another parent... Thinking they have rights to your dc and what is best...

Firstly, it’s worth noting you won’t have had low supply - that is INCREDIBLY rare. It does take milk a few days to come in, that’s why you have colostrum, which is more than enough for baby. That’s how our bodies are designed.

It is a shame you did not seek or receive proper breastfeeding help (a midwife or a health visitor does not count).

Secondly, you don’t need to sterilise baby cutlery. That’s just totally unnecessary. Germs are good - it’s how your baby builds a healthy immune system and being “too clean” will negatively impact him.

And lastly, that is a lot of time to have spent away from such a young baby, especially when they are only now coming to the realisation they are a separate person to you.

They are offering advice in a cack-handed way to a first-time mum who, in their opinion, is taking it all a bit too seriously. I'd lighten up or they may withdraw their babysitting services if they feel they're in the wrong (what spoon do they use when you're not there, hmmm?). Try and brush the negativity off until there's a hill worth dying on.

I do think that if they're helping out a lot with childcare it's natural for them to give opinions. Much worse get comments from grandparents who barely see him! It sounds like your dad was mean about breastfeeding but the spoon thing isn't judgemental is it?

It's perfectly understandable why some of this is getting to you. Your dad's breastfeeding comments were entirely unnecessary and not helpful (and while we're on the subject, so were a previous poster's). Breastfeeding is so, so difficult for some women/babies. I had lots of support and really wanted to do it but in the end the sheer agony beat me. Do not worry about what anyone else says about this. Fed is best.

Sterilising - all you need to sterilise is anything that will be used for formula milk. But in your shoes I wouldn't have shared your parents' spoon with your baby either.

I think you need to relax a bit. You've said it yourself, your parents are lovely grandparents to your son, they do a lot for you and he will flourish with a close relationship with them. You could maybe have a chat with them about the constant criticism, they might not realise how they come across.

@lemondropsandchimneytops Fed is bare minimum.

The breastfeeding comments weren’t unhelpful. It is true that it takes three days or so for milk to come in and a lot of women will assume in that time that they aren’t producing milk. Some may choose not to breastfeed anyway but it is a shame when women who would have liked to do it don’t because of misinformation.

I've breastfed 2 children and I find that comment unhelpful and insulting, what a way to kick someone while their down! She's already made her decision not to breastfeed that ship has long sailed all you are doing here is continuing to drive the wedge between breastfeeding vs bottles

The nasty mummy and the bf comments are horrible. Does your dad have form for being mean? Do you ever pull him up on it,? Does your mum?

Your baby your way.

This guilt tripping is ridiculous. Not being able to breastfeed is not the end of the world. Making a woman feel shitty about it is fucking ridiculous.

Your baby, your rules.

you can’t force other people to follow your rules though, so if you’re not happy, you may lose the help provided by your parents.