How do I mend my relationship with DD

[Ilovemyfreedom]

I left my husband 1 year ago. We had been together for 23 years, married 16 and are currently going through the legal separation process. We have 2 children together, DS(15) & DD(12).
He had been abusive towards me pretty much the entire time, gradually building over time to the point where I could not ignore it any more.
It was particularly highlighted when he started being abusive towards DS when he was still quite small.
The abuse was in the form of verbal, emotional, dominating, financial, often getting right in my face telling me what a terrible wife I am, then having $ex with me so i could make it up to him. I gave consent out of fear.
Nothing I or my son did was good enough but our DD was indulged a great deal, obviously his favourite.
It came to a head when my son confided in me that he wanted to unalive himself because of his father's behaviour towards him.
I made plans for us to get out and we now live in a lovely house with great neighbours and I'm OK financially for the time being.
The problem is that I love both my children dearly and want them both with me but DD has decided to stay with him. I didn't want to force her to come with me, I felt it had to be her decision.
Initially her emotions were up and down towards me which I could understand but she has recently cut all contact, blocked me on all contact methods and won't entertain talking to me when I go to the house and wont tell me what caused this sudden surge of hatred towards me. One Sunday we were chatting in her garden having a laugh together. Next thing I know, she hates me.
I've asked my ex if she's said anything to him about me, anything that can help guide me but he said he's not getting involved, it's a mum/daughter thing and I've to sort it myself.
I'm struggling to know what to do. I miss her terribly. I worry about her so much. She used to be so happy but now she struggles with anxiety, borderline eating disorder, skips school, vapes and self harms.

Obviously this is a very condensed version of my story but I'd appreciate your advice.

Thanks for reading, I know it was a bit lengthy.

YABU - stop being selfish and leave her alone if that's what she want
YANBU - keep trying to contact her, remind her I'm here for her

OP I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like the ex is poisoning her view of you if it all just came out of nowhere.
keep letting her know that you love her and hopefully with time she will find out for herself what a shit he is and she will come back to you.

Of course you keep contacting her. She’s 12, she needs her mum, even though she doesn’t think she does.
Can’t her dad see what she’s going through? You need to ask for help for her, and fight for it with all you’ve got. Don’t let them push you out of her life, speak to the school, the GP, her grandparents, aunts and uncles, you all need to rally around her.

Wishing you all the best.

Divorce is so hard on children isn't it. She's at the age where she's old enough to blame you for turning her life upside down, but too young to understand why you might have had to do it. If she won't tell you, and ex won't help, I think all you can do is keep communication open. Maintain contact, text and call often, ask to see her, show her how much you care and love her, create a nice room for her at your house.

Sometimes children base their choice on who is staying in the family home because they don't want their lives to change.

I'd make a reasonable assumption that your ex has fed your daughter stories and lies to turn her against you by way of revenge for you and your son leaving. He doesn't seem like someone you can reason with or expect support from.
Can you speak to your daughter's school? Explain the abusive relationship background, abuse of your son and you, the split, and the current situation to the school and they should want to provide support for your daughter. Support from school - neutral ground - may help her come to a place where she wants a relationship with both parents.

I managed to take her to the GP, got pills for her anxiety but she refuses to take them.
We've had meetings with the school about her behaviour change and attendance and i tried to explain about our situation but he hijacked the meeting and told us to keep it school related only.
The school knows about the separation and are trying some methods to help her but she is being very resistant.

You can't let her think that all it takes is a few hard shoves from her and off you trot out of her life. I would be clear, calm and firm about things she does that vastly overstep, whilst ignoring stropping and huffing (I.e. pick your battles), but maintain contact however you can. That can include writing emails to her regularly even if you never hear back. She needs to know that you are a constant in her life humming away in the background waiting for her and ready to support her. It'll annoy the heck out of her while she's rejecting you, but she'll remember it, even if it takes ages for her to talk to you. If you leave her to it and just wait to hear from her she'll (sort of rightly) frame that as you abandoning her.

I would just keep quietly in the background, keeping in touch any way you can. Keep saying hello to her when you are at the house, asking how her week was etc. Offer to take her out to a movie, meal etc but don’t force it if she doesn’t accept.

It sounds like your ex has been bad mouthing you and turning her against you. It may take a lot of time for her to realise the truth but you need to hang in there so she knows you are always there for her.

Keep trying. Likelihood is ex is poisoning her against you. You need to show her you are there regardless. One day she might see him for what he is then she will need you

Your GP gave anti-anxiety meds to a 12 year old? Based on what ?

I would book another meeting with school to attend alone and I wouldn't tell your ex or DD. Explain to school what has happened about her blocking you etc and then they are aware of the situation and can put in support for her. I would be telling school you are actively seeking a relationship with your DD and about the past behaviour of her Dad so that school has a full picture of potential parental alienation.

She is a vulnerable child and needs to know that you are always there for her, perhaps in a letter you can leave with school so she definitely gets it.

She had also started having migraines and the medication apparently helps both issues.

You need to keep working at it from your side. I went through a very rough patch with my DD when we had to cut contact with an abusive family. She took it out on me. However we kept the conversation going and over time her understanding of the situation grew. She too was in the golden child role and that makes it very difficult for them to see through the bullshit.

Voice your concerns directly with her, say I can see you blame me and from your perspective I understand why but there was a really unhealthy relationship between me and your Dad, attempts between us to address that didn’t work and I had to take responsibility and leave. Start really neutrally and over time she might pull threads and you can address more. This can be really painful stuff and from her perspective you caused that pain. Empathise with that and maybe she can move forward.

It took 3 years with my DD maybe longer.

Please don't involve your ex with anything you do regarding your daughter. See the school on your own, explain the abuse of both you and your son.

Keep lines of communication open with your DD, do not run it through your ex, or ask him anything. I would anticipate he is doing everything he can to punish you, so you can not rely on him for anything.

I really would suggest starting the court process for access to your Daughter. As part of that process you can fill out a form detailing all the abuse that both and your children went through. One of the questions is whether you are aposed to the child (DD) living with the parent she currently lives with, due to this abuse. The court can order a report (from CAFCAS - the Child and Family Advisory Service) which will look into the welfare of the child, and will get info from the school and GP, hospital etc about their concerns. They will also speak to your Daughter away from her Father, usually by going into school.

It may not result in you actually getting time with your Daughter. It may be that time with your Daughter is (at least initially) 'structured' in a contact centre with a social worker to help you re-establish your relationship. But it will definitely highlight the issues she's going through since living with her Father. It might not be nice, but it's the best chance you have of helping your Daughter.