To end long standing friendship?

[bridgertonladyy]

We’ve been friends for 15 years. She has been a really good friend at times but also she has a pattern of being very hot and cold.

She’s been very cold with me this year. We’ve not seen each other once. I’ve asked to see her twice and got told she was busy both times and she didn’t attempt to offer an alternative date.

I decided to just leave it and she’s messaged me tonight after 3 months to say she misses me. Tbh I can’t take the anxiety anymore of wondering what I did wrong to deserve the cold treatment. No friendship is worth feeling anxiety over constantly.

Aibu to just ignore her?

No but are you cutting your nose off to spite your face?

I would tell her you've missed her too but you are very hurt that she kept cancelling and never made new plans so you'd rather know what is going on than risk getting disappointed again.

I have had a big falling out with a long time friend. We have had contact but she hasn't heard me. Seems to want to be friends again but I'm just not as interested now. She went too far and has shown no understanding of the situation.

I'm in a similar situation - she had a huge go at me by text and on the phone and hasn't apologised. Apparently doesn't think it was rude or nasty. I think you have to learn lessons about who people really are in these situations.

OP if you find it really too much then tell her. Personally I think as pp said to mention you did try to arrange another date which she refused, so you were expecting her to arrange one she could make. If she does it again I'd probably simply go a bit cooler. I have old friends that have become less important to me because any better offer and they'll cancel last minute, always turn up late, never bother to organise anything etc. They're still on the list but I only invite them when other people are coming to buffer any changes they decide to make.

YANBU. I couldn't be arsed with that -it makes you anxious and unhappy, what's the point? Don't reply and spend your valuable time on better friends.

Am I your friend? I’m crazy busy and the last 4 months have left me so overwhelmed I’ve been just getting through each week. Not seeing friends because I’m busy hasn’t been an insult to them just a reflection that I’ve been drowning. Maybe she’s the same?

Believe me I’ve had conversations in the past where I’ve said her actions hurt me. But nothing ever changes. It’s just become apparent our friendship is on her terms.

Tbh I don’t have the energy to write out every single time she’s gone cold and off with me (never giving me a reason). The example I’ve given is just the final straw.

I wouldn’t end a friendship over someone being busy this year.

Just look after yourself and remember you are worth so much more and don't need the drama of this so called friend .

She's enjoying being the one in charge and keeping you dangling. It's boring and crap. Life is far too short to spend on people who only want you when they get bored enough.

Some just don't value a friendship the way others do.
My childhood best friend (from 4) sounds similar to your friend. We now talk a couple of times a year, whenever she calls, I don't bother initiating anymore. We are at different stages in our lives and I just came to terms with it.
I can understand the way you feel, however to cut ties you are almost stooping to their level. I would just let them make the effort from now on.

in that case, I’d probably just drift. let her be the first to message and it’ll likely end naturally. I’ve had a few friends where I have to be the one to instigate and I’ve decided to stop that now. If a friendship is one sided it’s not worth my full energy.

Either let the friendship go or have an honest but not accusatory or aggressive conversation with her about how you feel.

you need to decide two things though.

how much does she mean to you, ie is it worth fighting for. (Only relevant though if she’s a good friend in general and not a CF is this is a salvageable blip)

is she really treating you badly or are you being a bit fragile or is somewhere in between is it just that life is busy and she isn’t keeping on top of her relationships very well.

im asking you to look because iv had both. Friends who I realised weren’t that great a friend anymore so iv let them go sometimes with a bang sometimes with a slow fizzle and iv got friends who yes could be better sometimes but I give them a bit of leeway because I know without doubt they adore me and when they aren’t in touch they don’t not care they just get consumed with responsibilities of life so I’ve had to reframe our relationship a bit and now we work fine as friends but ones that I don’t see as much of. When we do though it’s still great.

sorry there was a lot of replies as I was writing this so I’m adding this as I have seen your newer posts.
she sounds like the first camp, friendships are supposed to be mutual and unless you are being very needy then no this shouldn’t be it’s only on her terms that’s not fair. Ultimately it’s up to you whether to reframe or to let the friendship die. My feelings are you already know and just need this thread to confirm things for you.

good luck @bridgertonladyy

I've walked away f try I'm a friendship just like this
Friend would be absolutely fine then suddenly disappear for weeks on end then reappear like nothing had happened .
I walked away as it felt like it wasn't worth the effort anymore