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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my dh to look after lo a bit a weekends?????

26 replies

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:01

Hi i'm a bit annoyed, i dont work and i know my partner works really hard during the week and i dont ask him to do anything, he'll make tea sometimes when i'm feeding lo etc so is really good but he never does ANYTHING with lo! I dont expect him to do anything during the week coz he'll be tired. But at weekends he NEVER feeds him unless i ask him to, never changes a nappy etc etc sometimes i have to ask him to keep lo enetertained for 5 whislt i tidy up (which he doesnt do). Am i being unreasonable??????????????? or just a plain ol witch?

if i ever bring the topic up he just gets mad and doesnt speak to me for hours

OP posts:

moreJellothanJlo · 05/04/2008 17:05

don't know why you're with him, sorry

TheFallenMadonna · 05/04/2008 17:07

How old is your child?

VinegarTits · 05/04/2008 17:08

YANBU explain to him that being a parent is a full time job and when he comes home from work he then need to take on his role as a parent and share the work load with you. Parenting is a very hard 24 hour job, that you are doing alone if he does not do his fair share. He is being very unfair and not living up to his responsibilites.

Original poster

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:08

hes great in every other way, always spoils us both, but i just wish he's spend more time with lo coz he wants to rather than coz i ask him too.

OP posts:

meemar · 05/04/2008 17:08

He is being a child. I don't understand why you don't expect him to do anything in the week just because he has a job out of the house.

He will get away with it for as long as you let him, so make a stand.

If he sulks and won't talk to you, then stop doing stuff for him. He'll soon want to sort the problem out then.

Original poster

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:09

nearly 9 months

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 05/04/2008 17:09

a bit annoyed - i would be steaming!

You do work by the way

and how childish to not speak to you if you try to discuss it

YANBU

RubySlippers · 05/04/2008 17:10

how does he spoil you?

moreJellothanJlo · 05/04/2008 17:10

he doesn't spoil you both, he ignores his baby and treats his wife like a drudge

what does he do to spoil you??

constancereader · 05/04/2008 17:10

YANBU - or if you are it is only by putting up with this situation. The worst thing about men like this is (my sisters both married one) the fact that they don't WANT to do things for and with their children. How have you discussed it with him?

Original poster

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:11

he'll take us places, supruses, presents etc. He does say i am a great mum and never "expects" house work to be done which is nice as my x use to go mad if there was a dirty cup when he came home.

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 05/04/2008 17:12

Ah. I was going to say that when our first was tiny, dh didn't really have a clue what to do with him. I think he was slightly, not scared exactly, but over-awed.

And as I was breastfeeding him, and he either spent his time feeding, yelling for a feed or sleeping, dh felt like a spare part.

Once ds got to be about 4 or 5 months, he was more interesting IYSWIM.

I would pass over your ds, say "I'm off to do such and such" - and let them get to know each other. He might just not be sure how to get started. Help him overcome his inertia!

moreJellothanJlo · 05/04/2008 17:13

don't compare him to your ex, he's ignoring your child, what could be worse?

VinegarTits · 05/04/2008 17:13

That is not spoiling you, that is being normal. He sounds very childish.

Original poster

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:14

I just feel coz i'm not working i cant really say too much as often he'll go to work 5am and not get back till 7pm. He'll tell me to take lo to my mums for a couple of afternoons a week so i can have a rest etc (i dont).

OP posts:

moreJellothanJlo · 05/04/2008 17:15

you sound totally downtrodden

yogimum · 05/04/2008 17:18

yanbu, why don't you get him to take ds swimming or for a walk on a sat/sun am so you can have a break. Regardless of him working he should be more involved.

Original poster

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:18

if i'm going out somewhere i.e to hairdresses etc he'll take lo to see cows or feed ducks etc, when there on there own they seem fine, just when i'm around he seems to take a back seat, prob my fault for this. Dont get me wrong he doesnt ignore lo, he'll have a cuddle when he gets in and sometimes a little play with him, its mainly at weekends. I try and take a bit of a back seat so they can play together etc but i always end up being the one that plays with him.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 05/04/2008 17:21

Also he should'nt see doing things for your lo as a chore, why not suggest he does bathtime every night and make it fun for them both, lots of bath toys and get him to sing songs, he may realise he enjoys it and then he will want to spend more time with your lo.

meemar · 05/04/2008 17:22

hmm, it sounds more like he is just not interested in 'baby stuff' than anything else and lets you get on with it because you will.

I think your best bet is to do what you do already, go out and leave them to it. He might learn to enjoy it if he has no choice

Original poster

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:29

think i'll try that bath time idea vinegar, he did it b4 a few times and loved it. Think he is a bit jelouse coz lo is clingy to me, we just had a chat b4 and he says only reason he doesnt feed lo is coz hes not sure of his routine etc thats why he waits for me to ask. He does miss him during day, maybe my origional post was a bit harsh. He took a week of work not so long ago when lo was ill. I think i am prob being unreasonable, he'd prob do more if i didnt "take charge" all the time!

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 05/04/2008 17:29

He's probably just used to you doing it all and has fallen into that role.

With DP he does it with housework (my DC's are 3 and 7 so not so easy to ignore ) He'll happily do what I ask him to do, but I ahve to delegate, it's just the way he has got used to it so I'd personally try to 'delegate' a bit more, it's all too common for one parent to do everything and the other feel like a spare part so not do anything then the roles become ingrained and both parties get resentful, sort it out before it gets like that.

I wouldn't say he was treating you particularly badly tbh, just needs kicking into touch.
Give him things to do and he'll get used to doing them and do them without being told.

Original poster

pinkyp · 05/04/2008 17:33

cheers victorian, i dont feel hard done by and lo isnt ignore etc just wanted him to do more. Think we've prob just fallen into a routine like u say. thanking u xx

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 05/04/2008 17:46

I agree with VS.

Just get him involved. Hopefully he's just not quite sure how to get started.

VinegarTits · 05/04/2008 17:51

It is generally true that men just need a kick gentle push in the right direction to get things done, just make it fun for him to do things for lo, and give him lots of encouragement, tell him can you feed ds as he loves it when you feed him or get him to read funny stories at bedtime, tell him what a god dad he is etc... good luck.

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