Co parent schedule

[IneedcoffeeinanIV22]

Hello!

This is going to be a long one so I'll be grateful if anyone can give any thoughts.

I am recently separated from DH. We share a child and I have a DD7 from a previous relationship.

At the start of the separation my DD7 stayed with her father for the best part of 2 months (exDPs choice) as DH was having a mental breakdown so it was the best option to ensure she didn't ever get caught up in it

Prior to this, me and exDP do a day on and off through the week each and then alternate weekends. This has changed slightly throughout the years due to him having a new relationship or new job ect and I am expected to go with it.

Now I have DD7 and DD1 back with me this weekend and next weekend would be their time with their Dads.

However even after this being confirmed (which I have in various messages) ExDPs now trying to change the weekends we do which would mean both girls would be here on alternate weekends. I am absolutely against this because they're extremely close and have always spent their weekends together.

ExDPs new partner has decided to send various nasty insulting messages about me refusing to do this. They've barely been together for a year but she will obviously see the sun shining out of him.

I am absolutely not changing the schedule just to suit them and whatever social plans they have made because the kids come first always.

In the past I've always accommodated his requests and done anything asked to keep an easy and happy life (basically being a pushover at all times) but I'm not doing it this time.

I'm concerned they're going to try and take this further with family court or just pick her up from school on the wrong weekend.

Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this. I know I'm not changing my mind but I just need to know I'm not BU.

Your daughters’ relationship with each other is important so I think you’re right to protect that. What is your ex’s reason for wanting/needing to change the schedule?

As an aside, day on and day off is a lot of to-ing and fro-ing for a little one and probably quite unsettling for her.

I agree there is a lot of toing and froing, maybe an excessive amount? I don't agree with your reasons not to change the weekend though. It would build up your relationships with your children to have them one-on-one -and with such and age gap, there must be different things that they would like to do with you

They see each other a lot anyway - and I don't expect their weekends will stay "opposing" - they sometimes will, and sometimes won't be with you together. There are advantages to both set ups, and not worth fighting it, because the idea of having them singularly at the weekends is actually a really nice one

A judge would def deem sibling relationships important... Your ex needs to wind that bitch in!! Text him so then block her.. Or report her for harassment..
She has no say in your plans with your dc's df...

We live really close to each other and she likes the day on and off aspect of it. It was initially a trial but she enjoyed the routine so we stuck to it. With the weekends, it would be opposing weekends constantly. DD7 has also expressed she wants to have the same weekends as DD1

This is what I'm hoping. I have no intention of taking this to court because it's not in anyone's best interest but I'm not being backed into a corner over and over again to accommodate their social lives

Apparently his work schedules changed on a Saturday and also him and his partner have made plans on the opposite weekends..

Every change to the childcare we have has always been to accommodate him and which partner he is with at the time, and I've always agreed. I've even said I will happily have her when they have plans etc to help out

Day on day off is insane and will surely really mess up the older one as she gets older.
Why not start with a blank sheet and come up with something better for everyone longer term?

I don't have any objection to changing the days into a different pattern as long as both girls are with me on the same weekend. That's my only objection with this whole thing

If he takes you to court then he will look unhinged. It’s perfectly reasonable to want both children together.

I agree with pp that alternating days is brutal and your kids must not know if they are coming or going.

I know the day on and off sounds insane, it does work really well though. We both live closely to each other and her school so one picks her up and the other drops her off ect

Can dd1 not switch to the new weekend with dd7? Realise that is messing exdh up but surely this is new so if he could flex.you could switch with less drama - if he can't then let exdp take it to court imo

If ex is being difficult and digging heels in, and you ask (new ex) DH to simply swap the weekend - so instead of if this weekend next....then you are back in sync?

Ideally this is what I would have done to avoid any issues, but exDH does shift work so it would be impossible to do it we moved it around that way. ExDP works core hours and the occasional Saturday the same as me, the change is purely to suit his social life

The work situation may be unavoidable. A bit of flexibility on both sides is needed to make sure your little girls gets to maintain her relationship with her dad. If there is no way his work schedule will allow him to have her on the same weekend as before then could you try to see if the arrangement for dd2 could be changed too? Or could she come back earlier so she has Fridays and Saturdays with him but Sundays with you and her sister?

What plans have he and his new OH made? If this is the real reason and not work then that’s another story. Seeing his dd should be his priority.

Just to check, what is he asking:

1. for DD7 to be at your house the opposite weekends to DD1
2. for DD7 to change weekends but not saying this needs to be opposite weekends to DD1

So he wants DD7 on a set weekend to fit 'work' and this means she's separate to DD1. He's well aware that's the case but said 'it's not his problem'

I have offered several alternatives which covers the issues he having but means we still have DD7 the same amount but he refused.

I hate the though that someone isn't going to come out of this happy. The forefront for me, is having the girls together. They've spent every other weekend together since DD1 was born and they're inseparable.

So exDP came round today to talk about it all. Made a lot of sense with his side of things. Until, I asked to see what Saturday shifts he actually works as according to him it would be both weekends he has with DD7. He's sent me them, he's only working one a month

I think there's 2 separate things here:

1 - your ex-DP asking for a change to the co-parenting schedule.
This seems fairly reasonable. His work rota has changed and as a result if there is no change he'll miss half of the Saturdays that he spends with his daughter (and also possibly have to arrange & pay for childcare for those Saturdays).

You've not said that this change would negatively affect you, unless you couldn't also change the schedule for DD(1) with her father; and you've not said that changing the schedule for DD(1) would be a problem for her father

2 - how ex-DP (and his new partner) have gone about it
"ExDPs new partner has decided to send various nasty insulting messages" and "He's well aware that's the case but said 'it's not his problem'" show that they are clearly out of order. He needs to recognise that he's asking for something to help him here, and that abuse and "that's your problem" aren't the way to achieve that.

Having said that, before the nastiness from them started, were you just saying no out of awkwardness? "I am absolutely not changing the schedule just to suit them" does kind of make me suspect you were.

The way I see it - if a change would make things better for one party (your ex-DP) and would not make things worse for the other parties (you and your DD(1)'s father), then why would you not say yes?