To be terrified of almost everything everyday

[NobodyLikesMe]

Long time lurker. Never had the courage to post probably through fear of being judged or just embarrassed and a bit ashamed really. Sorry it might be a long one. I know reach out like this as I'm quite isolated at present and I don't have any close friends or even family I can confide it about this.

I have long suffered with anxiety, mainly health anxiety and intrusive thoughts. After my son was born 2 years ago it amplified massively, and turned very obsessive and intrusive. I barely left the house through fears of something bad happening to us, I stayed up all night evry night because I was so scared my son would die in his sleep. It then started to be obsessive about my own health, I couldn't be left alone at home because I was so terrified I would drop dead at any moment and what would happen to my son. I would have horrible images in my mind of me laid dead and my family around me. Horrible images of my own death, car accidents, diseases, freak accidents etc, horrible images of be thinking him down the stairs or him drowning in the bath. I of course know I would never do these things but it was very distressing and I became a recluse. Daily panic attacks, physical symptoms. The only time I would go out is to go through doctors or A & E which happens many times and obviously there was nothing wrong with me I just convinced myself something was wrong and my own death was imminent and I needed to be stopped. I would obsessively clean things, door handles, light switches, convinced someone was leaving my home with poison. These are just a few examples but you get my gist.

I sought help and got medication, was diagnosed with pp anxiety, GAD and OCD. I had a few rounds of CBT and exposure therapy where I was forced to face my fears, ie going out more etc. It helped somewhat. It never went away just b came more manageable and I'm able to go out nor for a short time alone or a whole day as long as husband is with me. I can go a week or so and be fine, almost as if I'm a normal person and then something will trigger me whether it be a news story or just a thought that pops into my head. I'm due to go and pick up a new car tomorrow after not driving for 8 weeks.. I'm terrified, I'm so scared something bad will happen And I'll not come home.

My husband and family think I'm absolutely nuts, laugh iny face when I'm anxious about silly things and just don't understand it. They say I'm unreasonable letting the worry of all these different things take over my life when I can't control them. They think I'm completely irrational. Aside from the meds and my therapies I'm not sure what else i can do. I don't want to be like this anymore but how do I get past this. As I said I've given up talking to my parents about it and my partner because they get frustrated with all the reassurance seeking and stupid questions etc so now I keep it to myself.

Has anyone been like this and managed to overcome it?

I’ve been in a similar place, although not PP. It is really tough!

What level of medication are you on?

As part of your therapies, have you identified what behaviours are wellness behaviours for you, and which are safety behaviours which should be challenged?

I have found that I have to keep doing the CBT and ERP style exercises by myself, in the same ways as I do physical exercise, to keep myself as well as possible.

I have 20mg citalopram, beta blockers and I have diazepam as and when although I've never taken the diazepam as I'm quite worried about the effect it could have on me.

Most of my behaviours are safety behaviours and my therapist said it's quite a struggle because I've been like this such a long time (since my teens) that's it's hard to unlearn these behaviors. I do do my own CBT techniques every day and mindfulness to try and help but when it's really bad like it has been of late I cannot shift that focus off of the catastrophizing.

I mean, it is irrational, and I think you know that but it doesn't help if your family are just repeating this fact to you. I think you need to let them know that this doesn't help and can they please look up how they can support you rather than just trying to shame you out of it, which won't help. You're not asking them to tell you that your fears are correct or to enable you to stay at home and avoid life, you need their support and their patience so that you can break free.

It's not your fault, it's the anxiety and it's very hard to fight.

I'm sorry you are experiencing such horrid intrusive thoughts - I've experienced brief and relatively 'mild' intrusive thoughts and that's horrible enough, but to have them all the time must be awful and feel impossible to break away from. But it can be done - I'm sure people with more direct experience will be along to help soon.

Im reading a book called Anxiety and Panic, A Life at Last. It might be worth getting op, although im finding it a bit difficult to really understand it.

I can go a week or so and be fine, almost as if I'm a normal person and then something will trigger me

Is it possible that this could be tracking with your menstrual cycle? It took me ages to spot that my anxiety and depression ramped up in the luteal phase. I have to be careful with news stories and even sad music then. Figuring this out was a game changer for me because it helped me stop believing the anxious thoughts, and to feel that I would be ok again once my period came. And slowly I was able to get supports and self care in place for the vulnerable days.

Another thing that helped was a therapist who just listened to me, rather than doing CBT.

I wonder if a review of the level of meds would be a good idea? Sertraline is what worked best for me, but I know citalopram works for others. For OCD, a higher dose is often needed - I know when I was at my worst I needed up to 200mg of Sertraline (the max dose) but now I’m in a much better place 50mg works really well for me.

It would help if you could get your family to be on board with helping you manage things. That doesn’t mean they should play in to your reassurance seeking - that wouldn’t help in the long run. But there are ways of interacting which might be helpful. I had joint sessions with both my parents and my husband with my therapists when dealing with my OCD - have you had anything similar? our GP has also been helpful in discussing with my DH how he can be supportive without enabling or fuelling my irrationality.

The menstrual cycle thing is also worth thinking about. I know there are parts of my cycle where my obsessional thinking increases and other parts where I struggle much more with tearfulness. Knowing this helps me react more effectively to these symptoms - I know to expect them, and I know that they will pass.

I know someone who was helped through ptsd created anxiety through first hypnotherapy and then...I can't remember what it's called but it involves rerouting your neural pathways....going to Google...EMDR. not sure if it would be used for your situation but probably not hurt to try!
Maybe neural plasticity could be more relevant?

Yes it's definitely made worse when its my time of the month I'm alot more edgy and anxious as well as physical symptoms and these physical symptoms.inly fuel my anxiety further.

Thank you, I'll have a look into that.

I haven't had anything like that no. My family and partner wouldn't really be up for it. They are very black and white in a sense and they don't understand it, because they have never experienced it themselves.

According to this site it is appropriate for anxiety heal.virtualemdr.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=ptsd_top_markets&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw3tCyBhDBARIsAEY0XNlHcIgq_IxJMx2U072coeOa2adkf3l5A1ccdf0XHJMagG2LEdW91kAaAlpgEALw_wcB

I've just had a quick look and I'm somewhat skeptical although I'll definitely look more into it. Thank you

You say your family are very black and white and they don't seem to be able to put themselves in your shoes. You also have terrible anxiety and OCD.

It's a bit of a long shot but this couldn't all be down to ASD could it? One of the most common categories of disorders to appear along with OCD is ASD. Anxiety disorders are common comorbidities with autism. Black and white thinking and not being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes are also typical.

Just a thought.

I would look at getting your meds increased. If that doesn't help then consider switching to Sertraline.

Claire weekes books helped me a lot also on youtube some of her talks.

I have very similar high anxiety/OCD as you and the only thing that has ever helped is a drug called Olanzepine. I was put on it a few months ago and the change in me is like night and day. I do sometimes get anxiety (I think its hormonal) but it is a drop in the ocean compared to what I used to go through on a regular basis. It took me a long time to realise I even had anxiety, let alone be able to put a name on the OCD/intrusive thoughts which took over my whole life, frequently.

I haven't found the drug affects me in any other way other than taking away the awful, gnawing anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

Now you know what OCD really is, be prepared for a lifetime of being annoyed by people insisting that cleaning is 'OCD' I am as messy as they come and I have intrusive OCD which would have been diagnosed a lot earlier if it weren't for the misuse of the term.

Anyway, thats my advice. Lots of people will recommend anti-depressants but in my experience they have only made things worse, a good anti psychotic is much more effective I have found.

Op- it's like I'm reading my situation.. mine started when I had my son 5 years ago and he got sepsis and no one listened to me but my motherly instinct kicked in and I saved him! I also had a baby 2 weeks ago and let me tell you my anxiety is through the roof, EVERYONES fell out with me because I won't let no one visit my baby because I'm scared there going to give him RSV , I've spent £300 on a owlet sock just for it to give me more anxiety and not help even though it's not done anything but show me positive things. My son threw up his bottle I went straight to a&e thinking he's dehydrated .. people look at me like I'm crackers but I'm not I'm struggling with my own thoughts , I'm trying to get diagnosed too as this has been going on for years and no one seems to want to help me:/ I feel for you and I'm here to talk if u need it x

I picked up my new car today and I'm too bloody terrified to drive it anywhere horrible intrusive thoughts about dying or crashing etc. Massively triggered by it. I'm not sure what to do to lessen the anxiety.