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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel like the worst Mum

38 replies

laalaa7 · 27/05/2024 13:52

I don't know if I've done something awful here, I can't stop thinking about it and have had a bit of a family fall out!

DH younger sibling (14) stayed with us whilst his parents were abroad for a week. We have a DS who is 1. We are in a maisonette and DS bedroom is next to the living room and ours is next to the front door.

BIL was sleeping in the living room. Friday last week, DH went to work at 6am and all of us were still asleep (BIL had inset day).

At 9am I woke up in a panic that I hadn't heard DS, then realised my bedroom door was shut (we are also looking after parents dog), he'd come into the room and laid down and obviously knocked our bedroom door shut as was laid against it. I got up and DS was playing in the living room with BIL. I apologised that I hadn't woken up and it was no issues with BIL, they were playing with toy cars and blocks and DS was happy (although sat in the nappy he'd been put to bed in and hadn't had any breakfast).

I immediately changed him, gave him some weetabix then got a few very unhappy messages from MIL basically calling me lazy and that her son wasn't there to "babysit". I messaged back explaining that the dog had shut the door which meant I hadn't heard DS calling out for me when he woke up at 7:30 (I looked back on the camera to see how long he'd been up for). She had FaceTimed BIL and he was with DS and she obviously knew I was still in bed. She replied asking what time I usually respond to DS calling out for me and does he just sit in his cot until I get up? I read this and didn't even reply because I was so offended, I'd never leave my son to cry in his cot. I'm usually up with DH when he leaves for work. I also haven't been well recently with my endometriosis and I'm currently experiencing a flare up which prevents me falling asleep due to the pain. I must of dozed off eventually and gone into a deep sleep to wake up at 9.

I called DH whilst I took the dogs out for a walk with DS and DH was and still is upset with his Mum for the shitty messages she's sent me and laughed it off to me saying at least I'd scored a lay in and that BIL was perfectly capable of playing and supervising DS for an hour.

I haven't spoke to her since, no thank you for having BIL and dog, I took him to school and picked him up, we went out for dinner, we fed him for the week, I walked her dog every day with mine. I've heard nothing. She's obviously pissed off with me and it's making me feel like it is obviously a big deal and I'm a bad mum.

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 27/05/2024 13:54

That’s ridiculous of your MIL. Ask your dh for all the stories of when his mum was less than perfect. If he’s a gen x there will be much worst then you.

Allofaflutter · 27/05/2024 13:55

It wasn’t intentional. Ignore her. And next time she asks it will be a no.

takemeawayagain · 27/05/2024 13:56

She sounds miserable. I'd ignore her till she apologies. If she never does then it sounds like it's no loss.

Rickrolypoly · 27/05/2024 13:57

I would have text her back and told her if she has a problem with how her son is being looked after she can cut her holiday short and and collect him.

laalaa7 · 27/05/2024 13:57

Allofaflutter · 27/05/2024 13:54

That’s ridiculous of your MIL. Ask your dh for all the stories of when his mum was less than perfect. If he’s a gen x there will be much worst then you.

We are both in our 30s but I've been told stories about him and his siblings sitting in the back of FIL's van on paint tins with no seat belts etc and MIL driving after a bottle of wine at a party on numerous occasions with the kids. I mean, it might have been more acceptable then but they definitely aren't and weren't "perfect" parents.

I don't know why it's affecting me so much! I can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/05/2024 13:59

The cheek of her.

nokidshere · 27/05/2024 13:59

You are being ridiculous to be even giving this headspace. If BIL hadn't been willing and able to cope he would have called you. He clearly enjoyed playing with his nephew, no one coerced him into it.

Ignore mil

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 27/05/2024 14:02

Allofaflutter · 27/05/2024 13:54

That’s ridiculous of your MIL. Ask your dh for all the stories of when his mum was less than perfect. If he’s a gen x there will be much worst then you.

How exactly would a Gen X have a 14yo brother (from the same mother)?!

OP - just ignore and let your DH take it up with her. She's being unreasonable - next time I'd refuse to look after BIL so she can't go on holiday without him.

laalaa7 · 27/05/2024 14:02

Okay, I think I just needed a wobble and to be told it's forgivable 🤦🏻‍♀️

BIL loves spending time with us and DS, he's a great uncle and we have a good relationship so I think I need to just ignore MIL.

OP posts:
CountessWindyBottom · 27/05/2024 14:02

How dare she! Your DH really REALLY needs to back you 100% on this and not just ‘laugh it off’. She had no right to be so abusive and make such serious accusations so your husband needs to set her straight.

BluebellsareBlue · 27/05/2024 14:06

I would reply with "whilst I'm babysitting YOUR son and dog in MY home I'll get up when I please"

Avatartar · 27/05/2024 14:15

It’s soda law she knows about your unintended “lie in” which is why it’s still niggling you.
ignore her and don’t look after dog or BIL anymore

laalaa7 · 27/05/2024 14:19

@CountessWindyBottom he has backed me and messaged her to tell her that she was completely out of line and to never question my parenting ever again as I'm a wonderful mum (his words) and he hasn't heard from her either. It's really weird. In the past I've dealt with her making jibes about how I stole her son, how lucky I am that he stuck by me throughout my depression etc I'm used to it and can take it when it's aimed at me but to have my parenting questioned has really upset me (I had abusive, alcoholic parents and something I pride myself on is that I broke the cycle and have never lived like them), it's obviously a touchy subject for me due to my childhood so it's really triggered something for me to still be stewing over it.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 27/05/2024 14:22

Does he stay over often? Because to be fair if it were a once off it probably didn’t come off great that a 1yo could possibly have been calling for his parents and so 14yo stepped in. You don’t know if he rang asking should he eg change the nappy or wake you or whatever.

Just playing devils advocate but are you upset because they only saw a snapshot of your normal parenting and now they could think it’s the norm for you to stay in bed?

DreamerP · 27/05/2024 14:25

Block the bitch

Alwaysalwayscold · 27/05/2024 14:29

She's a cheeky, ungrateful cow and I'd tell her so.

laalaa7 · 27/05/2024 14:29

stayathomer · 27/05/2024 14:22

Does he stay over often? Because to be fair if it were a once off it probably didn’t come off great that a 1yo could possibly have been calling for his parents and so 14yo stepped in. You don’t know if he rang asking should he eg change the nappy or wake you or whatever.

Just playing devils advocate but are you upset because they only saw a snapshot of your normal parenting and now they could think it’s the norm for you to stay in bed?

No he doesn't stay over often but we see him most weekends and he goes to football with my DH.

Not at all, they've spent a lot of time with us as a family so she knows perfectly well that I'm a good parent who isn't negligent or lazy.

He didn't ring her, DH asked him and he said she FaceTimed him (she did every morning whilst she was away).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2024 14:30

Wow. Unbelievable. Your mother-in-law has really, really fucked up. I wouldn't do a single solitary thing for her ever again. I wouldn't even be seeing her.

YaMuvva · 27/05/2024 14:34

The fucking nerve of a parent going on holiday for a week without her son accusing someone else of not, for 60 minutes, being super competent with her son.

Tell her to fuck off. I mean it, stand your ground and point out the hypocrisy

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/05/2024 14:35

Youre a great Mum and SIL!

Ignore her. Don't let her get you down, she will end up without family if she keeps acting like that

Don't be so hard on yourself x

caringcarer · 27/05/2024 14:38

Don't let this horrible MiL upset you. She should be thanking you for caring for BiL and her dog for a week.

dahliadraws · 27/05/2024 14:44

I think she’s been horrible. any mum of a 1 yo is capable of a lie in - your body has been through huge changes and you’ve had a baby to look after as well. So you slept in till 9am?

your bil sounds lovely I hope he can continue to stay - but I wouldn’t be doing it at mils request any more and I certainly wouldn’t have the dog again whether you like him or not.

rainbowstardrops · 27/05/2024 14:56

I'd tell her to fuck off and find someone else to look after her child and dog the next time she wants to swan off and leave them if you're so terrible.

Allofaflutter · 27/05/2024 15:26

The absolute cheek! I would text back what kind of mother leaves her kid for a week.

Allofaflutter · 27/05/2024 15:27

Not that either having an accidental lay in or leaving your kid for a week is awful but it’s the hypocrisy.

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