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Original poster

Date triggered waves of anxiety

45 replies

MySistersPony · 27/05/2024 12:13

I’m a woman who went on a date with another woman last night.

She asked me to Google her, apparently she is well known in her niche field.

I had a little look at her Instagram, and it seems she has been leading a very glamorous life indeed and has been in relationships with very wealthy people.

The Instagram is filled with name dropping and lots of flashy homes and big toys on display. I was pleased for her, and looking forward to having a chat about the things we have in common, of which there seemed to be a lot.

The night of the date, as I was waiting for her to arrive, I felt some anxiety bordering on nausea, I had a feeling I just wanted to leave. I don’t know why, just something I could feel in my solar plexus.

As the date went on, our chats seemed perfectly innocuous and easy, she was polite and gracious, if a bit self absorbed and with a distinct air of Hyacinth Bucket.

We had grown up in the same home town, but her accent was a close exaggerated approximation thereof, rather than relaxed and authentic. She spoke like the BBC newsreaders of years ago, or perhaps a radio show host.

There was something somehow extremely inauthentic and almost plasticky about her.

I felt she was feeling me out for my level of wealth, status, and social circles, and I didn’t quite meet the mark

I’m not sure that was really enough to make me feel as disturbed as I was. I don’t think I felt threatened or in any danger.

I have worked in the industry so it wasn’t that I was intimidated by her “status”.

I could just feel the hairs on the back of my neck almost standing up and I felt rather queazy. I’ve never had such a reaction before on a date in public in a perfectly safe place.

Anyone had anything similar? And what was your explanation for it?

OP posts:
Frogmarch89 · 27/05/2024 12:30

You seemed to have judged her an awful lot! Just don't go out again and move on.

kittybiscuits · 27/05/2024 12:31

Please don't ignore this response! How did you leave things with her?

kittybiscuits · 27/05/2024 12:32

And 'google me' is incredibly narcissistic...

Thepenisblue1 · 27/05/2024 12:33

Anxiety before a first date is completely normal.

I think it's weird she suggested you Google her and your description of her just makes her sound even more of a knob.

So yes - your feelings were normal but I'd not see her again as she doesn't sound normal.

Frogandfish · 27/05/2024 12:36

I think you could just tell you were being judged and she was behaving in a false and calculated manner (in a clumsy enough way so that you could see her workings, i.e. fake accent, telling you to look again he socials so you'd be impressed by all this name dropping and deliberate fancy pants posturing).

I assume it's not how you treat people so felt brittle and alien. I wouldn't assume there was much more to it. Other than maybe the pics aren't all they seem of course.

For this, I'd probably want the satisfaction of letting her know it was nice to meet her but I hadn't felt a spark so all the best and then blocking. Not everyone will agree but sod her and her oddball behaviour.

emeraldtablet · 27/05/2024 12:37

I had a feeling I just wanted to leave. I don’t know why, just something I could feel in my solar plexus.

Ignore that at your peril, in my experience.

toomuchfaff · 27/05/2024 13:32

Wait... she asked you to GOOGLE HER??? WTF

that enough alone would have been the NOPE NOPE NOPE, self centred narcissist behaviour!

Get out, stay out.

Bullet dodged

Original poster
MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 14:53

kittybiscuits · 27/05/2024 12:32

And 'google me' is incredibly narcissistic...

This was my first thought just a minute or two into her Instagram, a classic massive grandiose narcissist, not the covert kind that more often manifests in women. Almost caricature levels of narcissism.

She told me that in her field, she is referred to as “The Queen”, there wasn’t a hint of humour in this statement. I think I was just a bit dumbstruck and could only sit and smile.

OP posts:
something2say · 28/05/2024 15:01

Doesn't sound very nice to me. Chalk it up and move on I say. People who show off are not fun to be around.

Original poster
MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 15:05

A really good explanation for what has happened came from my sister, who quoted a meme which said “If you get the different me, that means I saw the real you”.
I think my subconscious system kicked in sounding warning bells like crazy erecting a shark cage.

Strangely enough, I think she could tell that I could see through her like transparent glass, and this put her on edge somehow, even though she was smiling on the surface, the kind of smile the doesn’t reach the eyes.

She called after to say she was looking forward to meeting again as “friends”. I said a breezy “sure”, but she didn’t specify another date, and neither did I, I think it’s pretty clear neither of us want to see each other again but want to exit the situation as smoothly as possible.

I actually think she could read me just as clearly as I read her, judging by some of her subsequent comments, uncannily well in fact. I think she perhaps doesn’t want someone who knows too much about how her past really was or isn’t taken in by the smoke and mirrors bags of tricks.

It seems we departed with a strange sort of mutual if not respect, civil wariness of each other.

I think she’s the kind of woman that could turn someone’s life upside down and inside out before they know which way is up.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 28/05/2024 15:11

I think if this thread had said you had been on a date with a man everyone including you would know exactly what that reaction was and you wouldn’t have thought to question it.

these responses are usually triggered for a reason. Obviously I can’t know for sure in this situation but when I feel that primal instinct I listen to it.

Original poster
MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 15:26

Ginkypig · 28/05/2024 15:11

I think if this thread had said you had been on a date with a man everyone including you would know exactly what that reaction was and you wouldn’t have thought to question it.

these responses are usually triggered for a reason. Obviously I can’t know for sure in this situation but when I feel that primal instinct I listen to it.

Do you mean that she may be a predator of some sort?

I think she’s absolutely a financial predator and the biggest and most obvious social climber I’ve ever met in person in my life.

I’m not sure that warrants how unsettled and sick in my stomach I felt?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 28/05/2024 15:32

I think you probably knew deep down from the moment you actually Googled her that you weren't going to like her - even if that feeling was subconscious - and all that dread just surfaced when you met her and realised you were right.

The fact that you had such a visceral reaction to her doesn't mean she's an axe murderer or anything, but it certainly does mean that she is not the woman for you. I wouldn't overthink this one. Chalk it up as a bad experience with a terrible show-off, and strike her off your list!

kittybiscuits · 28/05/2024 15:45

MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 14:53

This was my first thought just a minute or two into her Instagram, a classic massive grandiose narcissist, not the covert kind that more often manifests in women. Almost caricature levels of narcissism.

She told me that in her field, she is referred to as “The Queen”, there wasn’t a hint of humour in this statement. I think I was just a bit dumbstruck and could only sit and smile.

Show quote history

Oh shit. You have good instincts. 🏃‍♀️ fast.

kolopolo · 28/05/2024 15:48

it may be that this person is somewhat or even all the things you suggest they are, but also you seem pretty judgemental in your post without even getting to know her.

Original poster
MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 16:22

KreedKafer · 28/05/2024 15:32

I think you probably knew deep down from the moment you actually Googled her that you weren't going to like her - even if that feeling was subconscious - and all that dread just surfaced when you met her and realised you were right.

The fact that you had such a visceral reaction to her doesn't mean she's an axe murderer or anything, but it certainly does mean that she is not the woman for you. I wouldn't overthink this one. Chalk it up as a bad experience with a terrible show-off, and strike her off your list!

Really good summarisation, thank you.

You see, it’s exactly because I didn’t want to be judgemental before talking properly that I didn’t really listen to the thoughts that popped into my head early on…

I think maybe I should listen to myself more often!

As to what someone else earlier said, she seemed perfectly comfortable judging me without knowing anything much about me also, hence a short date and ducking out with the “friends” line later.

I think such situations are when we are allowed to listen to our gut reactions… we’re trying to find the right mate, not hiring for an office job, it’s not an equal opportunities type of situation!

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 28/05/2024 17:01

Ginkypig · 28/05/2024 15:11

I think if this thread had said you had been on a date with a man everyone including you would know exactly what that reaction was and you wouldn’t have thought to question it.

these responses are usually triggered for a reason. Obviously I can’t know for sure in this situation but when I feel that primal instinct I listen to it.

Not necessarily in the way you think I mean just that your subconscious recognised that she was somehow a threat or at least a danger to you whatever form that was going to take. Even if it was just that she was making you feel less than her.

we as women have learned to respond to that with men although we quite often override that because of the way we have been conditioned societally but we don’t often think about it in the same way.

I just think that that strong visceral response is usually there for a reason especially when triggered by another person man or woman, I’m not saying become hysterical and never trust anyone just we should listen to it when you feel it.

obviously there are some things like trauma that can cause the response to be over stimulated and trigger when it’s not necessary but that’s a different thread.

Original poster
MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 19:21

Ginkypig · 28/05/2024 17:01

Not necessarily in the way you think I mean just that your subconscious recognised that she was somehow a threat or at least a danger to you whatever form that was going to take. Even if it was just that she was making you feel less than her.

we as women have learned to respond to that with men although we quite often override that because of the way we have been conditioned societally but we don’t often think about it in the same way.

I just think that that strong visceral response is usually there for a reason especially when triggered by another person man or woman, I’m not saying become hysterical and never trust anyone just we should listen to it when you feel it.

obviously there are some things like trauma that can cause the response to be over stimulated and trigger when it’s not necessary but that’s a different thread.

Show quote history

Visceral response is a perfect way to describe it.

She’s now blocked on all apps and her number deleted, it’s extremely unlikely we’ll ever run into each other again, and that’s a nice thought!

In other news, another date lined up tomorrow, and she has not once asked me to Google her, or sent me to her instagram, asked me where I live, what my parents do, which school I went to, or how much money I made last year…
Anxiety inducing date asked about this in a roundabout way, by telling me all of this personal info about herself, and the pauses, I guess, were so I would divulge similar info. I wasn’t really interested in doing that, it was really none of her business at that stage.

There was something very high school wannabe mean girl about her… still sort of stuck in a teenage girl mindset of popular people, not populate people, and beautiful people and such like… At some moments, I was taken aback at the incongruity of age and the subject matter, and at other moments, I pitied her. Her favourite celebrity is apparently Zayn Malik, young enough to be her son.
Her entire look and style was modelled on another celebrity, also very young.
Everything about her was shallow affect coming of age stories similar to Disney fairytales. There was a sense of a fantasy world difficult to distinguish from the real world.
I think the niggling feeling I had was a sort of Single white female / Talented Mr Ripley - lite feel.
Just a bit off and very unusual somehow. I don’t know how to describe it!

OP posts:
ChaiLatteForTwo · 28/05/2024 19:44

Op why on earth have you delved into such a deep analysis of this lady after just one date? Very odd. You don't sound OK with her not wanting to see you again at all.

Original poster
MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 20:46

ChaiLatteForTwo · 28/05/2024 19:44

Op why on earth have you delved into such a deep analysis of this lady after just one date? Very odd. You don't sound OK with her not wanting to see you again at all.

Thanks for weighing in, the reasons are in my previous posts, RTFT.

OP posts:
Lampslights · 28/05/2024 20:52

This is a bit much and I’m not sure you were in danger and are over analysing this, it seems to be you looked at her socials, judged her, felt out of your depth, she binned you off and now you’ve gone all woo.

you had a date, you didn’t like each other, move on.

StormingNorman · 28/05/2024 20:59

Google me. No thanks.

That was her first red flag. Glad you’re moving on OP!

ToxicChristmas · 28/05/2024 21:04

I'd have burst out laughing at "Google me". Cringing for her.
No harm done anyway -you didn't hit it off, you can both find more suitable people. Don't over analyse it. There's nothing more to it than you don't match.

ChaiLatteForTwo · 28/05/2024 21:19

MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 20:46

Thanks for weighing in, the reasons are in my previous posts, RTFT.

Show quote history

Really not weighing in, infact I think you are. If she read this it's so outing she would know it's about her and its quite mean - reams and reams of detail talking about how dislikeable she is. She might not be your cup of tea but saying she caused you a visceral and subconscious reaction is horrible.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 28/05/2024 21:30

Well you certainly have given her a lot of headspace...
Personally it would have been a no from me at the 'Google me' stage 🙄 Who the fuck even actually says that?