Do we move in together or wait......

[Lostatsea43]

Please help, AIBU or should I wait.

Background
F (50) two boys 18 and 14 who both live at home
M(50) two girls 28 and 24, oldest lives with her mum, youngest lives with her boyfriend

I have been in a relationship with my BF for 14 months, for the first 6 months we took it slow and I introduced him to my boys after about 6 months, it was a bit difficult to start with but they both really like him now and enjoy spending time with him.

This weekend, my youngest played darts in the garage for hours with him and my eldest asked him if he would take him on a driving lesson. It makes me so happy to see them spending time with him and it is beginning to feel like we are a family.

Recently, we have been talking about moving in together at the end of the summer. Currently we spend 5 nights together. 4 nights in my house and 1 at his. The idea would be for him to move in with me and the boys. I am really happy and cannot wait for him to move in.

But there is always a but. This children are finding it difficult seeing there dad move on and I have only meet the oldest a few time, but things are getting better and less awkward, but I have only ever met the youngest once and neither of them have meet my boys. This is their choice, there have been lots of invitation, but the usually say no.

I feel that we should not move in together until this is resolved and this has started to cause some tension between us. I find it very difficult (probably jealousy) as I see how well he is getting on with my boys. Last night he said, "am I not enough", which made me very sad, as he is more than enough, but I just would like us to be an a more stable extended family.

What should I do? Get over myself and enjoy what I have and not worry about his DD or wait and try and develop a better relationship with them before moving in together?

You haven't set up the voting clearly, so its not clear whether YABU means you're reasonable to move in soon or to wait.

You should wait. For the sake of your own children, not his.

His daughters are both adults - you should probably be prepared for the fact that it might never be resolved. It might, obviously, but if they conclude that they just don’t want that kind of relationship, it’s their prerogative isn’t it?

Why do you only spend 1 night at his? What's his financial situation? How are you going to split bills etc?

14 months with 4 kids between you is nothing…. Absolutely wait … at the moment to your DC he is a new toy, that might change once he is around longer or moves in. I’d be waiting at least another 2 years

Wait. It seems to be OK as it is now, so why change it. Your children are still fairly young. (I know 18 is an adult, but he could be at school.)

It's your DP who should be handling how his DC cope with his moving on.

If you move in together both your incomes will be used for student finance calculation. This may or may not be an issue depending on your income but is something to consider if it is.

If the oldest lives with her mum at 28 I think you'll be waiting a very long time for her to accept you. Circumstances depending.

Wait. What's the rush? You've only been seeing each other 14 months and you're both still a novelty to each and to each others kids.

Your boys are enjoying spending time with him but they've not known him long and initial 'best behaviour' on all sides could still be in place so give things time to establish more realistic relationships.

I think you need to chill. You're only 14 months in and talking about being a stable family? I think you're expecting far too much. He's your boyfriend, not their step dad.

As for his daughters, for all you know he's maybe had a string of girlfriends and they're just not that fussed about meeting you until it seems longer term. Honestly at 14 months I think you need to relax.

He moves in when your children who live in the house are ready. Adult children who don't live in the house don't get control of their parents relationship.

It's more about your kids. Are they enthusiastic about him moving in?

spending 6 nights together after 14 months seems a lot when you have kids living at home especially a 14 year old. Why the rush?

Slow the F down!
His daughters are ADULTS.
Your sons are not. You need to think about the Impact this will have on your sons. Never mind about his two daughters you need to think of your sons. A driving lesson/game of darts doesn't make a family unit.

I think it is still early days and would continue to take it slow with your sons.

His daughters may never come around to you (if that's the case) so I wouldn't let that have an effect on your decision.

Not sure exactly what we are voting for

This.

"Am I not enough"

That's a yellow flag.

Needy, emotional, guilt trip.

What's his hurry? What are your financial situations?

And what would be best for your boys?

Take it slower for your boys.
Will moving in affect their education etc.?

As the boys get older you can always spend a couple of nights at your BFs too, giving you more privacy and options.

You will never be a family unit including his daughters as they are adults. The most you can hope for is that you like each other, while loving your partner,and that you are supportive of each other's choices..

This^

Why should you wait? His daughters jealousy shouldn't affect your relationship.

His relationship with his adult children is none of your concern. He maintains that relationship, not you. Whether they want to know you or not is their choice, not yours. Whether they want to know your kids or not is their choice, not yours.

It seems that now, they don't. That being said; for stability maybe now isn't the time, but you can't push them into anything.

Stay in your lane and think about how your actions will impact your kids.

His children are adults. They aren’t young children. If they aren’t ready for their dad to move on now they never will be. Get on with being happy and don’t force anything with them.

His children are adults and don't live with him so I don't really see how that impacts anything?

For the sake of your kids however, I would wait another year or so. It's still early days and one of your boys is still young and at a tricky age.