Why don't people reply to party invitations?

[Hotttchoc]

Why don't people RSVP even if you specifically say let me know by XX or RSVP by XX?

It's more awkward if you don't give a date but surely people realise you need to know a couple of weeks before (especially if invitation was sent 6-8 weeks before)

Most people seem to be considerate and respond in a timely manner then you have the odd few which makes it hard to plan fully.

I am terrible at replying and RSVPing, it is really not intentional. I think it's because I'm terribly disorganised, believe me I have tried very hard to be organised. If I miss the deadline I accept it and am very apologetic. I also think some of it is being brought up in different culture, where social etiquette can be very different. Different things are considered important/rude so some things don't come naturally.

This is so rude. I'm glad I don't know anyone like you.

We usually send them out 2-3 weeks ago.
Some parents reply immediately, some later and some don't bother at all and I have to chase the responses out of them ...or ( which actually happened) they'll just turn up out of the blue at the party and then I have to explain why we have more children then I stated.🤦🏻‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@Cofaki honestly, that's ok. We are totally different people. For important events/birthdays for my absolute best friends, mum, etc, I will always make time, without fail. But anyone else trying to pin me down for a dinner in 8 weeks time will get either a maybe or a no. And that means I don't care if they write me off for it. Because we're not close enough for them to dictate my diary in 2 months' time in the first place.

Going by this thread, it seems some people thrive on planning ahead and having the next 3 months panned out. I can't imagine anything more stressful than that. I'm pregnant and work full time, sometimes 60 hours a week, thanks. I like a lie in, a spontaneous weekend away etc. So I think it's a case of being friends with similar people.

I’d agree with that. 6-8 weeks is pretty standard with my group of friends. The friends who can’t commit or want short notice get together have fallen by the wayside.

the more notice the better.

Wve moved country at shorter notice than 6 weeks! 😂

I'm not in the UK so thanks for explaining. We don't have to set the numbers in concrete for things like soft play parties here, we just give a rough number then pay on the day based on the final numbers.

When you’ve got multiples kids across your friendship group I have found it very rare to be able to pin point a get together with them all at short notice. We have to plan a month or two in advance to make sure we are all free/have childcare etc and there’s only 4 of us! I also found the ones who don’t reply/commit tend to fall by the wayside and rarely try to organise things themselves either.

I think it’s because they don’t want to come or are waiting to see if anything better comes up. I don’t mind when an invite is sent out, I’ll put it in the diary if the day is free, especially children’s parties.

We always go if we can, I’ve been to a party where only 4 children out of 24 turned up and felt really bad for the child. After that we always go to kids birthday parties unless I really can’t make it in which case I will say immediately that we are unable to come so that the hosts can sort out numbers.

The "I like to wait and see how I feel nearer the time" brigade epitomise everything that is wrong in society.

It's so entitled and selfish. If someone has invited you (even if they're not one of your besties!) have some decency and respect for that person and reply. Don't leave them hanging waiting to know their numbers etc as it invariably causes extra work for them and often a fair bit of stress.

As many others have said on here, just fucking grow up!

I don't think it's always rudeness. I do always respond but if I received an invite 8 weeks in advance for a children's party unless it was a very close friend /relative I would not instantly respond.

DH doesn't always know his rota in advance and if he does happen to get a rare weekend off we don't want to spend it going to a child's party. If the weather is nice we may go camping.

A wedding/christening/big event would be different.

I'm with others who have said 6-8 weeks ahead for a child's party is very early to send invitations out.

I'd live it if DHs job was more predictable. But its not. Im currently rearranging my plans for next weekend as he will be on a work trip... which he found out about on Thursday. Its an urgent one. Fortunately my friends are more understanding than most people around here
I always replied by the rsvp deadline by the way... and was honest about it.

The real life response BTW was often "just bring the other one too"... another concept alien to Mumsnet.

Don’t know1988 sounds insane. Why so aggressive towards someone who has been nice enough to invite you to something and wants to host you?! How on earth do you respond to those who have actually wronged you? Nuclear warheads?!

I usually put a kid's party in the calendar as soon as it arrives, but the invitation usually comes via WhatsApp during school hours, so I wait to reply until I've double checked with DH that there's nothing else on that day (because he is rubbish at adding things to the joint calendar) and that the DC actually wants to go. Then it's busy when I check and forget to answer, but it's firmly committed in my head.

I've never turned up without replying, but I have been chased a lot I do reply straightaway to very close friends because I know DC will want to, but big parties I can forget to reply, or reply much later than the invitation when others are replying on the group or there's a chaser message.

Maybe they haven't found a system for life admin that works for them. It took me a while to figure it out. I'm fairly sure I've got ADHD in some form - I have to RSVP immediately and put it in the Google calendar immediately and then put the invitation on the fridge. Then figure out when and who should buy the present and put that in the Google calendar and if it's me send a mail to my work email to put it in my work calendar. If I get interrupted at any point in that process there's a good chance I will never get back on track.

Rudeness

@TheaBrandt I always respond immediately and very politely (I can think fuck off, obviously won't say it, I'm not a degenerate...this is an anonymous forum explaining our thinking). But my reply won't be a yes unless it's an important event or something I really want to go to. And if the person making the invitation says I really need to know numbers for catering - I'll say apologies, I won't make it. Leave it at that.

@DontKnow1988 Your response is a bit rude but to be clear, if I send an invitation out 6-8 weeks before, I'm exiting the RSVP two weeks before. This includes to let the venue know 7-10 days before and to ensure I have the right numbers for party bags and can plan food etc.

@Greenmayleaves I send 6-8 weeks before so I can have RSVPs about 2 weeks before as above.

completely agree with you @MumOfTwoLittleOnes24 No one is even saying you have to go to the party. Just have the decency to say if you're not!

@BippityBopper but what's the issue if you don't have to rsvp until later? Surely it should work for those who like to plan ahead and also those who want to see what else comes up. Even 8 weeks before some people already have plans.

They’re rude but at the same time I’m not a fan of being sent invited to kids birthday parties 2 months in advance.

When I've tried to arrange things, like recently for a big birthday, I don't expect everyone to answer straight away, but if I ask for people to confirm/decline because I'm trying to sort numbers for catering etc, and they still don't respond, then I'll remove them from the event as assuming they aren't coming.
It takes seconds to respond.

An expectation of a RSVP to a full class party more than a week in advance is unreasonable imo.

Most kids in ds's class had full class parties in early primary so there were around 15-20 a year, too many to commit to weeks in advance unless it is a closer friend that we would make the effort to go to, especially when they are usually 2hrs in the middle of the day making if difficult to do anything else that day.

If you tell me I am too late RSVPing when I do reply, no big deal.

Any full class parties ds had we put a 1 week RSVP, and didn't take it personally if there were last minute replies/changes. I was so glad when the full class party years were over and they moved onto small close friends days out instead.

@Hotttchoc that's fair. 2 weeks to RSVP is completely reasonable and whoever doesn't even reply to that is a knobhead who doesn't deserve to be there.

I'm thinking of people who try to organize a coffee or dinner in 2 months' time and get pissy when you won't commit. I'm finding people are trying to organize stuff more and more in advance. I don't know if it's a trend or part of getting older with more commitments but it stresses me out (and is totally incompatible with mine and DH's working lives).

@Whenwillitgetwarm Why is it a problem if you don't have to respond until later? Isn't that better than getting an invitation and having a week or two to reply?You can then choose to reply soon after or a few weeks later. Genuine question.

@NoTouch How is a week unreasonable? If someone drops out due to illness or something unexpected that's a different issue but surely people can plan more than a week ahead.I'm not talking about a full class party but we do need to let the venue know at least a week in advance and even if you're planning the party at home you need to know how many to cater for.

@DontKnow1988 I know what you mean. Have you seen the thread about the friend suggesting a coffer date in August?

I never said a week was unreasonable. I said more than a week was unreasonable.

It is just a kids party, when did they become so complicated, if you keep it simple it is easy to be flexible. I wouldn't use a venue that needed more than a weeks notice for numbers, more reasonable venues we used knew people couldn't commit to firm numbers any earlier.

Of course people can plan their weekends more than a week in advance if it is something important like a wedding, weekend break etc, but not writing off the best part of a whole day at the weekend for a 2hr soft play session with a child your dc rarely plays with