AIBU to expect my 3yo DS to do what he's told occasionally?

[ohidoliketobe23]

Posting here for traffic. Name changed for this as probably going to get flamed for being a terrible parent or having unrealistic expectations of a toddler.

DS will be 3 in July and he's incredibly defiant and strong willed. He will not do a single thing we say and I'm at the end of my tether.

Everyday non negotiable stuff is a battle - brushing his teeth, getting dressed, eating meals, changing nappy. He has to be bribed or threatened to do any thing. I don't know if we're handling it wrong but when stuff needs to get done I don't know what to do. When I say bribed it's always something small like 'you get your chewy vitamin after you've brushed your teeth', and by threatened it will be 'you won't have any ice cream if you don't get dressed' sort of thing.

We went for lunch with a friend and her DS 4 the other day and he ran out of the open door of the restaurant repeatedly. Every time he was brought back, told firmly why it's dangerous, that we're staying for a while longer etc but he just kept doing it until we had to leave. We had all the distractions - colouring, new sticker book, even YouTube on my phone but nothing would keep him at the table. Maybe I expect too much of him in this instance, but friends don't seem to have this problem with their children of the same age.

Another example is potty training. We tried a few months ago and he would just not sit on the potty. He'd be dancing around ready to go, we'd calmly say 'I can see you need a wee, can you sit on your potty please' and he'd say no and wee on the floor a few minutes later. We never scolded this behaviour and chalked it down to him not being ready and parked it, but in hindsight I think the entire problem was that he wouldn't sit on the potty when he was told to.

Basically he won't do anything he's told and things that should be enjoyable for all of us are becoming a nightmare. Ie trips to the zoo getting derailed after meltdowns because he can't have two ice creams.

This extends to extreme meltdowns when told no. I'm talking up to 4 hours of constant screaming, crying and shouting. It's distressing for all of us but I feel like I have to hold boundaries or we'll never get anywhere.

Would be delighted to be told this is normal 3yo behaviour but it's not what I see around us and I feel like a failure. I'm heavily pregnant and don't know how I'll cope. Is this a phase? Am I doing it wrong?

My eldest (who does have ASD) went through a phase of this at around the same age (not saying he has ASD, just as others have mentioned it). I found making things into a game was the best way to get things done so saying ‘I bet you can’t get your pyjamas on before I count to 10 etc’ (then very slowly counting so that she won), making things into a race against you if trying to walk somewhere. This works well with DD2 who can be very obstinate as well.

DD1 also had massive issues settling at one nursery setting, we went to view a few until we found one where she seemed to take more of a liking to it during the visit and she settled much faster.

I mean the kid isn't even 3 years old, it's pretty common at that age, at least it was with alot of mums I know.

I'm absolutely not saying it's not a possibility, but it's just not the first thing I'd jump to with a young toddler.

I'd try and avoid long explanations, they're too much for them to process. Also, don't frame stuff as requests, so like rather than "can you please sit on the potty?" try "you need a wee, sit on the potty" My ds got bored sitting on it so we'd read, sing, even put a hey Duggee on in the early days.

How's his speech? My son LOVED correcting us. So when he was fighting getting dressed, we'd get sat his red trousers and say "right, let's put these green trousers on" and he'd be so busy correcting us about the colour he'd be less resistant to actually getting the trousers on.

How is he with other settings, like nursery or grandparents for example?

It sounds like you're doing your best in a hard situation op so go easy on yourself. X

I've just seen the posts about him cuddling and holding a boob. I had this with ds too, I breastfed him until 2 and when I weaned he'd hold a boob to go to sleep instead of feeding.

He'd also want to do this when he was upset but I felt this was too much so we managed to stop that with a mix of constantly saying No and also big praise when he left it and didn't kick off.

He's 4.5 now and doesn't bother at all except very occasionally going to sleep if he's struggling (sleep is a big thing in our house) he'll literally put a hand on me for 2 seconds then take it off again. It just calms him, like he's "checking in" in his way.

Try not to feel judged, he's only little.

@Fivebyfive2 4.5 isn’t little. It’s school age. Dc really cannot have what they want all the time. When will touching a boob stop? At 15? Just say no more and mean it.

Well as I said he's not doing it anymore except literally 2 seconds every few nights so no, he obviously won't be doing at 15 will he? And the op's kid isn't even 3 so I don't think she needs to stress about him doing at 15 either 🙄

It’s more the point about not saying No and facilitating what he wants by stripping for him. I would be interested in empathy too. Does he have any feelings for others yet? It’s a bit early but a new baby is coming. I cannot imagine how the OP will manage unless DS goes to nursery PDQ.

Sounds like childcare would do him the world of good.

DD used to have epic meltdowns at that age, I wouldn’t say she was totally defiant though. You wouldn’t believe it was the same child seeing her at 16. She’s so compliant it’s untrue! It’s a tough age, hang on in there. Have you tried the basics like a sticker child for doing everyday things like getting dressed without problem etc? Worth a try