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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I over react

23 replies

MyDogsPaws · 26/05/2024 21:55

My dd is 13, Today I went out to do some shopping and she didn’t want to come so stayed at home. I was out for around an hour and when I got home dd wasn’t there. I just assumed she’d nipped to the corner shop or something and would be back soon although normally she would have let me know if she was going out.

When she didn’t appear back I tracked her phone and discovered it was still in the house, which is very unusual for her. I had a look at her messages to see if she’d arranged to meet any friends or something but but saw nothing indicating where she might be. At this point I assumed a friend must have come to call for her and she had left with them forgetting her phone, although again she would never normally do this without letting me know.

After another hour or so of her not appearing, I walked down to the shop and had a look around for her then came home and messaged some of her friends parents to ask them to check if their kids had seen dd but all said no. At this point I started to get concerned and called dds dad, my ex, to ask him to come and help look for her as I don’t drive. He didn’t answer so I sent him a text explaining the situation which he didn’t respond to.

A little later, over 2 hours after I had got home, dd and her dad strolled into the house, it turned out he had stopped in to say hi while he was passing and offered to take dd with him to run some errands. I was pretty angry with them both although dd apologised for not letting me know, I think she just felt that she was with a parent so not responsible for whatever was going on. Her dad was completely blasé about the whole thing and thought I was massively overreacting.

So aibu ti be worried about a 13 yo going “missing” for a few hours? or to be pissed off that he didn’t let me know what he was doing?

OP posts:
StarbucksQueen1 · 26/05/2024 21:58

You are definitely not being unreasonable. He’s the adult and should have told you.

Cbljgdpk · 26/05/2024 22:02

What an idiot of him, sounds a bit purposeful too.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/05/2024 22:03

I would have gone ballistic with them both about this - I'd have been very worried.

Original poster
MyDogsPaws · 26/05/2024 22:06

I was actually feeling sick with worry once i’d spoken to her friends parents and established she wasn’t with any of them, I felt so helpless with no idea where to even start looking for her. All sorts of things were running though my head about what could have happened!

OP posts:
Talkingfrog · 26/05/2024 22:10

YANBU

I think most people would be worried in that situation, especially if get phone was still at home, snd she wasn't with friends.

As the adult her Dad should have made sure you knew she was with him. He could have called or messaged you, told your dd to call or message you, or even a note left where you would see it. Any of those would have let you know she was safe.

Original poster
MyDogsPaws · 26/05/2024 22:13

I’m glad others don’t think I was overreacting in this situation, from ex’s response I was starting to think I was being ridiculous to be so worried!

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 26/05/2024 22:26

Yes, he should have let you know - you must have been frantic when you realised her phone was still in the house. I suppose it’s possible he thought she was letting you know, but he’s the bloody adult and he should have checked.

Blendedfamily7 · 26/05/2024 22:28

Yanbu dad should have let you know he was taking her with him

spiderlight · 26/05/2024 22:32

I would have been frantic. You're definitely not over-reacting.

IbisDancer · 26/05/2024 22:33

I don’t understand why her Dad was not the very first person you called? Seems very odd even if you are split up, it is obvious he is local and still a co-parent. Why would you not call the other co-parent first?

If you knew you’d worry about a teen going out whenever they want to, why haven’t you taught DD to leave you a note if she goes out? She is 13.

I voted YABU because I do think you over-reacted and there is no need to be angry.

Pinkjarblujar · 26/05/2024 22:35

I would also have been beside myself with worry and I can see why he's an ex.

shoofly · 26/05/2024 22:36

Definitely not overreacting. They could have left a note or sent you a message. She's 13 and a bit thoughtless he's supposed to be an adult and he's obviously a knob

Original poster
MyDogsPaws · 26/05/2024 22:38

@IbisDancer her dad doesn’t actually live locally, which is why he stopped in to see her while he was passing as it’s not usual for him to be over this way. He also never answers his phone to me or reads any of my messages so he’s not the first person I would contact in an emergency!

My dd has also never gone out without telling me where she is going and will usually ask for permission before she leaves the house if I’m not home which is why this was such an unexpected situation.

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 26/05/2024 22:40

We alwyas leave the other a message etc

OP, you've had you say - please get over it

IbisDancer · 26/05/2024 22:43

MyDogsPaws · 26/05/2024 22:38

@IbisDancer her dad doesn’t actually live locally, which is why he stopped in to see her while he was passing as it’s not usual for him to be over this way. He also never answers his phone to me or reads any of my messages so he’s not the first person I would contact in an emergency!

My dd has also never gone out without telling me where she is going and will usually ask for permission before she leaves the house if I’m not home which is why this was such an unexpected situation.

Ok, thank you for extra info. I would have been worried too, but it is important not to take that out on our DC in anger. I’d focus on getting DD into the habit of contacting you or leaving a note.

DaniMontyRae · 26/05/2024 22:45

That must have neen terrifying. Both your DD and her dad should have thought to leave you a note, your ex should have responded to your messages as well.

Now you know that she isn't mature enough to be left home alone and so she must come with you whenever you go out.

IbisDancer · 26/05/2024 22:50

DaniMontyRae · 26/05/2024 22:45

That must have neen terrifying. Both your DD and her dad should have thought to leave you a note, your ex should have responded to your messages as well.

Now you know that she isn't mature enough to be left home alone and so she must come with you whenever you go out.

? So zero tolerance for human error means someone isn’t mature enough?

Imagine if we approached everything with that attitude. No one would ever be trusted to do anything ever.

Original poster
MyDogsPaws · 26/05/2024 22:53

DaniMontyRae · 26/05/2024 22:45

That must have neen terrifying. Both your DD and her dad should have thought to leave you a note, your ex should have responded to your messages as well.

Now you know that she isn't mature enough to be left home alone and so she must come with you whenever you go out.

This is the thing though I don’t think it was her fault, if she had been with a friend I’m certain she would have let me know but because she went with parent she automatically deferred responsibility to him assuming he was in control of the situation and I can’t really blame her for that! I think it was a learning curve for her though and in the unlikely event of it happening again she would know that she can’t expect him to take responsibility!

OP posts:
Cucumbering · 26/05/2024 22:53

The next step would have been calling the police. Quite shocking that neither of them told you where she was. No wonder you were alarmed

HoHoHoliday · 26/05/2024 22:58

I would have been livid when I stopped feeling sick with fear. A simple text from either of them could have sorted that situation. It's ex's fault for not letting you know. But at 13, if she's old enough to have a phone then she's old enough to remember to use it in situations like this.

Copperoliverbear · 26/05/2024 23:00

I'd be fuming. X

TheCultureHusks · 26/05/2024 23:01

I’d probably show him this thread.

Sounds like he was so busy doing the what’s your problem cool dad routine that it’s gone right over his head that he’s just acted exactly as someone who does no day to day parenting would. Any normal parent = first thought, let your mum know where you are/make sure you’ve left a note etc. Real parenting 101!

Tell me you’re a fair weather parent without telling me you’re a fair weather parent…

🫣 eek. Best tell DD that no, if it’s dad, follow the rules for if she was going out with one of her school friends, because no, he won’t do what the other parents would!

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2024 00:14

This is his fault. He should've left a note or told her to text you to say she was going out with him. He should've answered his text. Basically your ex is a complete knob.

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