Friend said I was mentally weak

[Lorews]

Good friend is having a baby shower. I was planning to attend but discovered a group of people were going that I've had issues with so had to decline.

I appreciate this may sound petty and high school but this group spread nasty rumours about me while I was going through a difficult break up where there had been domestic abuse. The baby shower is going to be in a neighbourhood where lots of them lived so very much in their territory and I'd have been turning up alone. I didn't feel comfortable at all at the idea and asked my friend if I could take her to lunch instead to give her my gift.

She won't have any of it. She said I couldn't possibly do this to her and was mentally weak for letting it be an issue.

Maybe I am being quite sensitive about it but I just can't stomach socialising with people who've called me a whore and gossiped like that.

The whole saga has made me see friendship in new light. She's still friends with this group and they'll likely be a fixture at future social events. IABU to start to distance myself?

Sack her off - how can she be friends with people who treated you like this? She is basically endorsing their behaviour by continuing to be their friends.

Tell her why too. Something similar has just happened to a friend of mine and I can't get over the people who have continued to be friends with the bully in our situation, just cos they are too afraid to rock the boat. THAT'S weak imo

Good grief
YANBU

Your friend is appalling.
You are extremely wise to give it a miss and avoid any future drama,people like this do not change .
Stepping away makes you strong, not weak

She’s not your friend

I think she's still friends with them as its a group of people to socialise with and to cut them out would diminish her social life a lot.

This

You need to find your voice and stand up to your friend. Tell she's being out of order and her baby shower does not trump your mental wellbeing. And that you will decide what your boundaries are with these people, not her.

Yeah I'm coming round to this realisation. Its like I'm nor allowed any feelings just have to show up to her event regardless

I actually think you're the opposite of weak by refusing to go because they're going to be there. Looking after your mental health definitely doesn't make you weak

Thanks. In the past I would have gone along regardless as I was such a people pleaser but I'm trying to get better at boundaries

I think this friend is used to me being a people pleaser and doesn't like this new version of me tbh

Of course YANBU.

It seems this friend doesn't like you asserting your boundaries. Pay attention.

I think it's fine to bow out. It's not mentally weak, it's simply autonomous. I wouldn't be keen to spend my free time in this manner either.

I'm so sorry to read of the difficult period you went through OP, compounded by the dreadful treatment by that group.

If your friend cannot see this and has added insult to injury by labelling you weak, then I think you should take her response as a gift in disguise. You now know she's not in your corner. I'd just back away from the friendship. You deserve much better.

This woman is not your friend. I wouldn't waste of moment of time in their company, and if she can't see why she's not worth your time either.

No need for dramatics, but I'd be phasing her out for sure.

She’s not your friend.

phase her out - should be easy if she’s having a baby. It sounds mean, but she seems happy to hobnob with people who have abused you.

This. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I couldn't imagine one of my good friends inviting and being friends with people who did the things you said. Obviously don't know the details and don't know what they actually said and did, but ultimately if you feel you would be too uncomfortable to go then don't.

the idea of a grabby baby shower sounds like hell on earth - even without a bunch of people you don't want to see there.
Aside from being best mates with this bunch of playground bullies, if you'd prefer to meet up 1:1, she should respect that.

One of her other friends is organising the event and she's best friends with this group. I think they want big numbers to get more gifts as they also invited another girl that I know they both openly dislike. That also made me uneasy - they've spoken badly of her then invite her to the party

The more I write about this, the clearer it is what I have to do

Sounds more.. mentally strong?

I don’t know how old you are but I wish I had my boundaries earlier. If someone is a shit person I won’t socialise with them. Just no.

We all have our breaking point. It's not "weak" to have reached yours. You are strong by recognising that breaking point.

Look, I remember over 15 years ago I was diagnosed with lung cancer. That wasn't my particular breaking point. What broke me was when my sister told me that our Mum was scheduled to have a risky heart procedure just before Xmas. Selfishly, all I wanted was for a normal, usual for my family Xmas. That's the point I cried. Not when I was told I had a potential life limiting illness.

Who knows where there breaking point is, before they meet it? I didnt. I don't think many do, until they reach it.

On a happier note, my wonderful sister phoned my Mums consultant, explained the issue and asked them if it would make a difference if Mums operation happened after Xmas. They said it wouldnt, booked her in for 5th January and she had five happy years afterwards. I, of course, survived.

Ditch your mate.

Life is too short to spend any of it with toxic people.

Fuck her off

You sound mentally strong to me. You’ve said no thanks to an event you are uncomfortable with - doesn’t impact your friend too much ie she won’t be somewhere by herself

and you offered to arrange something separately. Which would work even if you just didn’t know the people very well (ignoring their previous bad behaviour)