I don't if IABU feeling this way.
DH and I are going through a very bad patch. We've been together 17 years - I do love him. There's very little affection, no sex for 2 years. We get on well day to day but we're struggling. He doesn't want sex and says he's too old to hold hands etc. I'm desperate for love and affection. I do think he loves me but not in love with me. We have two young kids, one with SEN to complicate things.
The issue: he's an emergency response worker with a female partner. This isn't the issue, he's had female colleagues before and none of them have made me feel like this. She seems desperate for help, makes herself vulnerable so he can 'help' her with things. She does have a long term boyfriend. This is all things that he's told me not that I've seen, but stories featuring things that a fully grown woman is perfectly capable of doing yet she is needing his help. I did speak to him once at work a while ago, we ended our call but it didn't disconnect straight away so I heard a few seconds between them. He spoke to her so nicely it made me feel sick.
A few weeks ago, we had a big discussion around things, I asked if there was anyone else that would explain the bigger issues. I then thought I may aswell be honest and explain why I asked that. So I explained I felt uncomfortable and asked why she never speaks to me if we see them when we're out and basically told him my gut feeling about them isn't good. Apparently she's really shy - I don't buy this because she wouldn't be able to function in her job role if it was true.
I thought to ask about contact between them outside of work - I've never asked about this before about anyone. He said they might send a meme once a week which seemed fine - except I could tell he was lying. He's always been incredibly secretive of his phone. I don't think he's cheated before but it does make me think why he does this. I don't go through his phone, it's locked down like Fort Knox anyway so it would be impossible.
A couple of weeks ago he opened WhatsApp next to me on the sofa and her name was top of the list - I didn't say anything. I was driving the car today and glanced down, mainly because I thought he was pulling maps up from our conversation, but it wasn't it was WhatsApp. Her name was either top or second top. He is constantly messaging people for his hobbies so I just find it too much of a coincidence to believe both times in the last month I've seen his WhatsApp page she's been at the top and this is their weekly meme exchange.
I asked him about it, told him I didn't feel comfortable with the very frequent contact that seems to be going on. He said I was weird, crazy, they're friends, he's just going to sleep in his car tonight etc. I just asked normally.
He said a few weeks ago he'd never show me their messages because it's none of my business. I agree if I ask to read them it solidifies I don't trust him, but without reading them I don't trust her/him so I can't win. My gut says they talk all the time. I want to try and save our marriage. Would you be happy with this? I definitely don't feel secure in the relationship, I feel like the foundation is crumbling but I don't know whether this is the issue or if his behaviour is actually concerning.
IABU - his behaviour is reasonable
IANBU - I'd be uncomfortable if my DH did this.