Diabetic DH and family meal times

[GumbieCat]

DH was diagnosed as type 2 diabetic in November, he’s coped well ever since, eats mainly salad/meat now and has lost a ton of weight. He has become very restrictive with his diet and will only eat the same foods at the exact same time each day (he’s doing intermittent fasting too) His family and I have become concerned that he’s taken his diet too far and even though he’s very skinny now, he still wants to lose more weight and “jokes” that he’s probably ended up with an eating disorder as he’s now terrified of eating carbs etc.

Family meal times have massively suffered and I now eat alone with the kids and he eats his special food separately later in the evening. He occasionally joins us but doesn’t eat anything and I feel guilty about eating in front of him.

Food used to be a big part of our relationship and family life. My love language is cooking and seeing my family enjoy food.

I know I’m being selfish as I miss us all enjoying food together as a family. I enjoy cooking proper home cooked meals like lasagna, roast dinners etc but it’s depressing when I’m sat alone with the kids all the time. Either that or everyone eats separately in front of the TV.

I know the main thing is that he’s healthy now.

I think you both need to adapt a bit better tbh!

Have you spoken to your dh about this?

I think family mealtimes are really important and your dc will be missing out by their father being absent. And it’s not fair that you have to do all the parenting at mealtimes either. It is lonely for you.

Good parenting is all about what you do, not what you say, so although your dh has done brilliantly to change his eating habits so drastically but now he needs to bring that to the family table.

But speaking as someone whose dh is a “feeder”; and whose love language (cringe 😃) is definitely food, have you thought about why he felt it necessary to break away from the family sphere to conquer his new diet?

I don’t mean that in a harsh way op, but I feel constant pressure from my dh to enjoy the things he’s prepared and to eat more than I want and I find it really hard saying “no” as his self esteem is tied up in his cooking.

So although I understand that you want to cook lasagnes and roasts etc, can you make versions of those where your dh can select certain elements from them and add in salad or can you all start with a salad? Can you learn some new diabetic friendly family dishes? Or could you join him several nights a week with eating protein and veg or salad? Or introduce two healthy veggie meals a week? And of course your dh needs to join in with the meal planning, food shopping, meal prep and cooking too!

You can eat a roast with salad! It's normal in France 🙂. You and the kids can have roasties and veg, he can have a big lush salad. Does he know why he doesn't want to sit with you all any more? Is it just because he can't bear to see you all tucking into carbs?

I would worry that he really is starting to tip over into disordered eating. Eating alone, being obsessive over his food and eating routines, this is not healthy.

Is your way of eating any healthier than his new way? Because surely it's those meals than led to T2 diabetes? What is his BMI and what is his? Very often when overweight people lose weight they are then described as skinny when in fact their BMI is well into the healthy range. (And yes BMI is a blunt tool but unless you're enormously muscly, it's probably food enough to give an idea of a healthy weight).

Why can't a family meal be made within his restrictions ? Can fajitas be an option etc, Baked potatoes with selection of toppings.

Yes carbs need to controlled but not eliminated. I am sure you could find reputable online cooks who manage the diet within the family meal once/twice a week?

Is there a chance the diabetes can be reversed? If so, I get where he's coming from with sticking rigidly to his diet.

I might be missing the point but I really hate the pressure some people put on others to eat a certain way.

As a nation we largely need to take control of how we eat and what we eat. But old habits die hard and that’s the biggest obstacle people have to changing their ways.

He was clearly not the healthiest if he was diagnosed T2, and it’s extraordinary that he’s managed to make the changes necessary to improve. But he’ll very easily fall back into his old ways if he returns to his former habits.

I don’t know what the nonsense about your “love language” being food and cooking is all about, but to be blunt, if it’s resulted in T2 diabetes it doesn’t sound very loving.

I enjoy cooking proper home cooked meals like lasagna, roast dinners etc

That's the problem, though. If you don't see a meal as 'proper' unless there are lots of carbs/fat/it's densely calorific, somebody who has had to eliminate almost everything you cook in order to lose weight and avoid all the terrible consequences of uncontrolled Diabetes is going to find it difficult to have that a) in front of them whilst they're trying to resist the temptation of what they've always been given and b) have you looking all sad that he doesn't join in eating it like he used to do.

That's exactly what my graphic in the 1970's when she was diagnosed with Type 1. She ate the same thing everyday for 25 years. However, she was typical of her generation, and did what ever the doctors told her too. Without question. Is it worth Trying to get a dietician referral?

I agree that as a nation we need to take control of our eating habits and how a lot of our meals are heavy and carb based.

Lol my home cooking certainly did not result in T2 diabetes. DH is a shift worker whos diet was appalling and mainly consisted of McDonald’s, frozen pizzas and takeaways etc.

That’s what we are hoping for ☺️He will always be considered “diabetic” however it can be reversed.

You cannot reverse it only keep it in remission.

He can never go back to the way he ate before otherwise it will return. The whole family will probably benefit from low carb meals so why not do that instead?

Lasagna and roast dinners are just examples. I’m mostly vegetarian and also like to cook healthy veggie meals with loads of vegetables or salmon/vegetables etc. I’ve even bought a few diabetes friendly recipe books and have offered to cook us all meals from there but he’s reluctant to stray away from the same meals every day.

He’s completely eliminated carbs altogether although a small amount is recommended. He says he doesn’t trust himself to even have a tiny amount as he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Absolutely this, I read the OP and knew there would be tons of replies saying 'oh he needs counselling/he has disordered eating/thats not healthy'

Well its what he feels he needs to do, to adhere to his health and thats just fine, its not for people to control or interfere with how others eat or want to eat.

What do you mean by 'carbs'.

I suspect you're talking about things like rice, pasta, potatoes, bread, biscuits, cake, crackers etc etc

Does he eat tomatoes, sweetcorn, peas, chickpeas, any beans?

If he literally just is eating meat then yes there might be a problem.

My friend went very OTT when she was first diagnosed with type 2. Calmed down after a while but it was her sole subject of conversation for a few years.
Would your DH consider joining Diabetes UK? https://www.diabetes.org.uk/how_we_help/membership?gad_source=1
Maybe a local support group? I’m sure his reaction is very common and realising he’s not the only one in this position might help.

Isn’t there a course you get sent on by your GP when you are first diagnosed? My FiL was diagnosed and both he and MiL went on it. Two mornings a couple of weeks apart.
he needs some accurate advice from actual healthcare professionals surely, or he will be poorly with something else caused by reducing carbs totally. I think long term bowel conditions can be caused by no fibre from grains. I may be wrong, but I am sure I read something about this being a thing and a worry

Does he need a dietician, though? What he is doing is clearly working well for him and the OP admits she is being selfish in wanting to cook for him and that his health is the most important thing…

@GumbieCat the one thing which I think is unreasonable is for him never to sit with you and the kids, that's opting out of parenting. He should sit with you and drink a cuppa. Or, even better, eat WITH you but just without the carbs - my DS does this, he eats the same fish/chicken/whatever and veg as the rest of us, just without the carbs.

He was invited on these courses but didn’t attend.

You can’t enjoy a meal together if he’s dead. I’m sorry to put it like that but I know someone who’s OH has just had his leg amputated because he is T2 diabetic and didn’t take it seriously enough. Be glad he’s changed his lifestyle and be grateful that you will likely have him for many years to come. Find other ways to express your love.

I regularly swap to low or even no carb, often when I'm trying cut some fat so I can show off my muscles haha.

Could you do him a salad with some type of high fat dressing to eat with you as a family and then he can have a slightly smaller portion of his regular meal later on without much worry.

I really like those konjac noodles. Most people try to cook them like normal noodles so think that they are disgusting (which they are cooked that way). They are supposed to be eaten in broth. I do them with vegetables then add miso stock. It's practically no calories but high in fibre. He could maybe batch cooke come and have a bowl with you if salad was 'too cold'.

How tall is he and what does he weigh OP?

Why can’t you all eat the same variant on a healthy meal and together? A healthy protein and veg/salad is a great meal, plus add a carb for you and any other dc. A roast is a perfect meal, just go heavy on the veg and he can skip the potatoes. If he is fasting, you may need to adjust your meal times slightly, he starts fasting earlier in the day and you move dinner later.

My husband was diagnosed with T2 last year. He’s not drastically reduced his carbs or anything. He has exactly the same meals as us, including lasagne, roasts, sausage and mash.* He also eats fruit every night as his ‘supper’. He’s reduced his HbA1c from 91 to 53. He does take Metformin though and he’s started exercising a lot more.

Obviously not everyone’s the same but it’s potentially possible he could relax quite considerably and still stay within his limits.

*That’s not all we eat of course!

OP why not tell us an example of what he eats in a day?