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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday

48 replies

Quartez · 25/05/2024 23:28

Hi. I’m just after a bit of perspective of this matter. So I’m currently on a weekend away with my husband, our kids and our extended family eg my parents, sister, brother, nieces nephews etc. We are staying in a rather large house and we have all paid different amounts based on the size our family and the rooms
we need/want eg for me it’s me my husband and our two (older adult) children. Before booking I explained to my sister (who made the booking) that I’d like a room with an en suite as I want my own toilet for rather particular reasons that I won’t go into on here. She said this would be fine as she wasn’t bothered which room she slept in. We decided our parents would sleep on the ground floor and we sorted the kids bedrooms
which left two double bedrooms one with an en suite and one without.

Seeing as I’d already discussed my request for a bedroom with a toilet I assumed that when we arrived that all wouldn’t fine but shock horror no. Our parents where given the biggest bedroom on the ground floor as my sister insisted that our mother (63 years old and otherwise healthy) couldn’t be expected to climb the stairs to the toilet. I thought nothing of it as I’d been assure i’d be ok to have the other bedroom with an en suite but when we arrived (all excited as the house is beautiful) my sister’s husband legged it upstairs and abruptly announced that the bedroom i thought was for me and my husband was the they wanted. I didn’t no what to say and my sister later uttered something about the fact her husband was stubborn and that I’d be ok in the other room.
But I’m not ok in the other room.

My very capable and young (ish) parents are in the huge room on the ground floor away from all the kids. My sister and her husband are on the same floor as the kids but at the opposite end of the house with privacy and mine and my husbands bedroom is next to my niece and nephews bedroom all of whom are younger than our kids and incredibly noisy. So much so I’ve left my husband (who can sleep through a hurricane) in bed and I’ve come downstairs to sleep on the couch in the living room away from everyone. I couldn’t get to sleep with the kids next door who were talking loudly and had their tv on.

I know it probably sounds travail but I’ve paid a lot of money to come on this weekend break and I feel like I’ve well and truly been shafted. When I come to think about it I shouldn’t be surprised as when it comes to my family my needs are often ignored. I’ve not made a big deal about it but I’m dreading the sleeping arrangements all weekend plus I now have to share a bathroom with young children who (rather understandably at their age) aren’t particularly hygienic and make a lot of mess. It’s sensory hell for me but I darnt kick up a fuss as I expect I’ll then be accused of ruining the holiday. Thoughts?

Just to add, I know that I was ridiculous to not stand up for myself and demand the room that had been agreed was mine but I have anxiety and I am not at all good with confrontation.

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/05/2024 08:19

I wonder if your BIL was even aware that your sister had said you could have that room? Sounds to me like maybe ge wasn't and sister doesn't want to embarrass herself/him by raising it now? But in any case I'd talk to your sister - especially if you paid a bit more to have the en-suite!!

Original poster
Quartez · 26/05/2024 08:41

Whilst I agree with a lot of what you have said I don’t necessarily agree with the comment that my parents needed the downstairs room. My mum is 61 and my dad 62 both in good health. If they were say late 70’s early 80’s with mobility issues then that would be a different story. My mum insisted on the downstairs bedroom purely because it’s frigging huge with a huge en-suite, sauna and patio to the garden. Plain and simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quartez · 26/05/2024 08:42

Yes my BiL was aware as we’d discussed it only a week since and he said he wasn’t at all bothered which room he slept in.

OP posts:
Akamai · 26/05/2024 08:46

So go and speak to them now! Tell them the agreement was you get the en-suite room.

VeryGoodVeryNiceChickenNugget · 26/05/2024 08:46

Quartez · 26/05/2024 08:42

Yes my BiL was aware as we’d discussed it only a week since and he said he wasn’t at all bothered which room he slept in.

Then you need to remind him of that.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/05/2024 08:49

Quartez · 26/05/2024 08:42

Yes my BiL was aware as we’d discussed it only a week since and he said he wasn’t at all bothered which room he slept in.

In that case, I'd be bringing it up with your BIL/sister (preferably both together) ASAP! And don't be embarrassed by doing so, they both agreed to something and both rescinded - cheeky sods!

Cbljgdpk · 26/05/2024 08:50

Sounds like today is the day to say to your bil and sil that they need to swap rooms as their DC are quite noisy and that you’ll change the bedding and just go and do it. No need to make it a big deal; just announce it and head off to move stuff

MrsWhites · 26/05/2024 08:52

You need to bring it up with your sister and brother in law then, they both agreed to something - you’ve presumably paid more for the privilege and they haven’t stuck with your agreement.

I understand you don’t like confrontation but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself or the alternative is be miserable for the rest of your stay!

5128gap · 26/05/2024 08:53

Quartez · 26/05/2024 08:41

Whilst I agree with a lot of what you have said I don’t necessarily agree with the comment that my parents needed the downstairs room. My mum is 61 and my dad 62 both in good health. If they were say late 70’s early 80’s with mobility issues then that would be a different story. My mum insisted on the downstairs bedroom purely because it’s frigging huge with a huge en-suite, sauna and patio to the garden. Plain and simple.

That's not the point. It was agreed before hand they would have it, and they have, so they are completely neutral in this scenario, having done nothing to cause your problem. It also makes sense surely for the adults with dependent children to be on the same floor as their DC. Sounds to me like BiL is a strong character that no one has the confidence to challenge. But that doesn't mean you should expect your parents to facilitate his selfishness, just because they're a softer option. Stand up to your BiL.

Roundtoedshoes · 26/05/2024 08:59

This accommodation does not work for your family and should not have been booked. Of course everyone is going to want an en-suite.

Because you did not bring it up when BIL announced they were in the room you had earmarked for yourself, there is not much you can do, aside from get on with the rest of the weekend (and weekend is key here - you are not there for two weeks!), and don’t go away with them in the future.

peebles32 · 26/05/2024 09:07

You should have said it at the time. When he claimed the bedroom!

Pigeonqueen · 26/05/2024 09:13

Does your sister know your reasons for wanting the en-suite?

PurBal · 26/05/2024 09:19

This happened to me once. MIL, BIL & SIL, DH and me. DH is tall, BIL isn’t. SIL took the largest bed. We ended up with a double with a with a footboard so DH couldn’t hang his feet over the end. He ended up sleeping diagonally across the bed and I ended up on the sofa. It was completely unnecessary but SIL is selfish. DH and I said we’d only do it again if we booked the accommodation and ensured that the second best room met our needs (and had a kingsize bed).

Truetoself · 26/05/2024 12:47

And your DH? Said nothing in support of you given you have anxiety and don't like confrontation?

Gymmum82 · 26/05/2024 12:51

I would kick up a holy hell of a stink and demand they swap bedrooms as you’ve been left to sleep on the sofa because of their children.
Screw them all I’d say they swap or you’ll go home. They didn’t care about you when the selfish husband ran and claimed the best bedroom when you had specifically agreed you would have the en-suite.

Doyoumind · 26/05/2024 12:54

Where is your DH in all of this? If you're too anxious to confront your BIL he should have been doing it for you.

It gives me anxiety just thinking that you have let people walk all over you and you're going to suffer in silence rather than do anything about it.

BlueMum16 · 26/05/2024 12:59

The time to say something was yesterday but as you didn't you either speak up now or swallow it and make the most of the break.

I'd speak to my sister and insist she sort it if it had been agreed before by explaining everything you've said here.

StormingNorman · 26/05/2024 13:01

Quartez · 26/05/2024 08:41

Whilst I agree with a lot of what you have said I don’t necessarily agree with the comment that my parents needed the downstairs room. My mum is 61 and my dad 62 both in good health. If they were say late 70’s early 80’s with mobility issues then that would be a different story. My mum insisted on the downstairs bedroom purely because it’s frigging huge with a huge en-suite, sauna and patio to the garden. Plain and simple.

But why should your parents be sleeping in your room next to the noisy kids? They’ve done their time with all that.

The problem is your sister and BIL. They took the room that had been allocated to you.

Gemz1010 · 26/05/2024 17:28

Quartez · 26/05/2024 08:41

Whilst I agree with a lot of what you have said I don’t necessarily agree with the comment that my parents needed the downstairs room. My mum is 61 and my dad 62 both in good health. If they were say late 70’s early 80’s with mobility issues then that would be a different story. My mum insisted on the downstairs bedroom purely because it’s frigging huge with a huge en-suite, sauna and patio to the garden. Plain and simple.

I agree if parents are able then it might be more important you have the ensuite, if you have gi issues like me you must be really uncomfortable not having privacy.. hope it works out.. you're welcome to DM to vent if you need

StarDolphins · 26/05/2024 17:36

This is all on your Sister & BIL. Your sister assured you that your room would have the en suite. She’s gone back on that & I would be telling her they need to swap rooms. Tough titty if BIL is stubborn, it’s what was arranged.

Jhgdsd · 26/05/2024 19:58

People, family, will treat you as poorly as you tolerate.
We teach them how they can treat us.
By accepting this from them you will only get more of the same.

FateReset · 02/07/2024 18:23

How frustrating and upsetting!

I can see it from both sides. Did you tell family why you needed an en-suite? If a clear medical need (like a stoma or continence issues) it's very different to anxiety over sharing a bathroom or vague IBS. Is it possible your sister or her husband also have a reason for wanting an en-suite but haven't said?

When you requested an en-suite I'm guessing nobody knew which rooms were in the best areas of house, size of rooms?
If your sister's paying the same amount she may have felt cheesed off at having the worst room. If you're paying more she's being very unfair!

But it's a bit late to swap now isn't it? The sheets would need changing, things will be unpacked.

Why can't the children share their parents' ensuite? You definitely need a lights off time too, keeping you awake is unacceptable.

Did your parents pay more for the big room with sauna and patio? I think it's morally right to give the biggest, nicest room to the oldest couple. Out of respect even if they're fit and mobile

Julyshouldbesunny · 02/07/2024 18:27

Did you pay more to have the en suite room? Take the fuse out the dc's TV tonight.

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