To not encourage DD to renew this friendship?

[ReacherSaidNothing]

DD, 10, had been best friends for several years with a girl in her class (let's call her Amy). Lots of sleepovers, playdates, trips out with each other and went to a gymnastics class together.

Last year Amy started to become closer to another girl in the class (Alyssa) and DD told me she felt pushed out, Amy and the other girl started to spend a lot of time together, doing things that she and my DD would have done together in the past. I explained to DD that these things happen as kids get older but that she should nurture other friendships, which she did do to an extent. Amy then became a bit envious and would continually badger my DD for an invite over to our house if she found out DD had another friend visting. It got to the stage that Amy's mum would suddenly message or call out the blue and start heavily hinting for her DD to be allowed over too.

Alyssa then joined the gymnastics class and Amy started to ignore DD in the class, DD was upset but formed new friendships within the class so all good. This was 6 months ago, Amy and DD now no longer really interact and DD is doing well with new friends but I had a message out the blue from Amy's mum suddenly inviting DD over. It turns out Amy and Alyssa had a fall out at school and aren't talking.

DD says she doesn't want to have the same friendship that she did with Amy previously and when I've said this to Amy's mum (in a roundabout way) she made it clear she wasn't happy with me and said I should speak to DD about being friends again. But why should I? DD was miserable for a time about this friendship situation and she's now happy. If she does want to be friends Fair enough but AIBU to not actively encourage it?

YANBU. Amy’s mum sounds like a busybody, ignore her.

So she ignored your DD, found out the grass wasn’t greener and expects her to be waiting around for her? What happens when Alyssa and Amy fall back in with each other again? You daughter is not the back up option!

Hmmm, on one had I feel where you are coming from and I think you should be very proud of your daughter for taking the thoughtlessness of the pair of them in her stride and making new friends etc.

On the other hand I am of the opinion that it's better to have friends than enemies. So, I would do a group play or short meet in town with them where your dd has the control - meet for an ice cream but your DD has somewhere to be afterwards that friend can't go to. I think keeping people in is a good thing, but you do have to learn how much to let them in once they let you down so badly.

I would also fear they'll make up next week and this is just a stopgap for her to make the other girl jealous or something. The mum sounds as though she is teaching her daughter to be fickle with friends, which never ends well.

I'd have a chat about boundaries and meet them for half an hour on the understanding that they're friendly, not close friends.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of he situation, I just wouldn't get that involved in friendship dynamics. It sounds like your dd can make her own choices.

Just say to the mum "I don't think dd and Amy have been close for a while."

Exactly this, Amy's mum shouldn't be interfering.

Thank you for the replies, it may be an idea to do a quick meet up for the time being and see how things go. DD is more confident now with friendships but it took a long time to get there tbh. Amy was a more 'domineering' character in their friendship and I can see a big positive difference in DD since their contact vastly reduced.

I'd reply to the mum that you don't get involved in dd friendships and you let her make her own decisions

I've had similar.

I responded along the lines of ...

"unfortunately my DD was really sad a number of months ago because her and Amy weren't so close. As DD doesn't want that to happen again, she's just taking a step back at the moment. Let's wait and see how their friendship develops at school".

I'd leave the girls to decide what they want. But if you're pushed into taking a position by the other mum, I'd try to keep things light and not too intense. That's no point falling out with a classmate but equally it's great that your dd has a wider circle and more confidence now.

I'd be very wary of my daughter getting embroiled in that again. I think you were right to say no to the mum.

Very cheeky / brazen of her to challenge it though.

What exactly did you say to her and what did she say back?

I'd be tempted to just ignore her. Be cordial when you see her, but don't reply to messages.

I replied "that's kind of you to invite DD over but she's busy today at (another girl in the class's) birthday party, maybe another time?"

She then messaged yesterday morning asking the same thing and I said she was invited over to a friends house. I said that I was surprised to hear from her as the girls didn't appear to be friends any more and had formed new friendships.

Her response was a bit snarky, Reminding me that they had been such good friends a while ago and could I speak to my DD about being nice to each other. I haven't replied as I was fizzing, remembering the times Amy wasn't 'nice' to my DD, commenting on her clothes and rubbing it in her face when she had a playdate elsewhere, while at the same time trying to forbid my DD from talking about what she was up to with other friends.

But I guess if I said these things to her it would go down like a fart in a crowded lift.

@ReacherSaidNothing "/
Speak to your daughter about being nice to each other"...sounds like she is trying to make the moral high ground when she has absolutely no right to.

I'm not surprised you're annoyed.

I think ignoring it is the best way forward, and just be friendly / non comital when you see her in person.

I'm glad your daughter is doing well and making new friends.

I don't get involved in my children's friendships. I think they can be friends with whoever they want to be. I would only get involved if my child was unhappy (but not get other people of their children involved!) or if they were being mean to other children. I think children need to learn social skills themselves and parents should keep out for the most part.

Alices DM has only heard Alices side of the story. She doesnt know that theres been nastiness toward DD. Maybe Alice has said DD doesnt want to be friends with Alyssia, or was mean to her. Perhaps the mother thinks "sorry, shes got a playdate with <other child> is some wierd popularity thing, based on what Alice has told her in the past. Shes clearly taking the piss wth her last message though!

Maybe message back "DD is always nice to other children, and of course thats something we encourage. But when Alice and Alyssia became such good friends DD has become closer with other children".

As the kids get older I have used this line quite effectively-

“I try not to get to involved in the plan making of the girls, and let them sort it out themselves”

That leaves it up to Amy to invite your daughter by herself to do something and your Dd can say- oh I can’t.

They are 10 … they fall in and out of friendships all the time, there comes a point when you have to stop getting involved. Whey DD got to Y6, I was clear that I wasn’t getting involved in friendship drama anymore, leave them to get on with it.

About 10 year ago I had a grandma at my house complaining that my daughter would not play with her grand daughter. My DD was about 10. Her DGD about 12. Others in the group...neighbours..age 11. All females. The DGD was a bit pushy and bossy as the oldest and my daughter didn't like it. I said to the GM I'm a bit embarrassed for you coming to actually knock on my door. My DD doesn't like the way your DGD goes on and she will not be forced to hang about with her because you feel she must. Maybe tell your DGD to act better around other kids. She left with her tail between her legs and still eye rolls me if we pass. I smile widely and have a snigger. I would not make my kids hang around with anyone for their sake when they have been shitty previously. They never hung out together again.

She's 10, stay out of it!

@ReacherSaidNothing (top user name btw), I would give zero fucks what Amy's mum thinks or says. Just reply that at 10 you believe the girls are old enough to choose their own friends and arrange out-of-school meet ups and so on, and you encourage your DD to do this.

The implication is clear that your DD is choosing not to be great friends with Amy, and that is absolutely fine.

Well I am trying to but I have someone else trying to drag me into it! Tbh I could be doing without this drama, there's enough going on in life just now