To tell parents about nasty messages on kids messaging group

[MBDBBB]

My 12 y.o. child is on a message group chat with friends at school. I keep a general eye on it (with my child’s knowledge) and it’s in the main harmless chit chat and posting silly YouTube videos. I have spotted a really offensive message from one member of the group about another child in the year who is not on the chat. My child and another called them out and said they should delete it, but it is still there. I am debating messaging the mother of the child to flag up that she might want to keep a closer eye on what her child is posting but part of me thinks perhaps that would just be busybody behaviour. WIBU to message her?

YABU - mind your own business
YANBU - message her

In my dd's year 7 what's app group one of the members kept using gifs that implied people should kill themselves if they'd said something she disagreed with - I took screenshots and emailed the head of year. They were spoken to as a group, which I thought was a sensible approach.

You keep saying you want it deleted, but why? This, for me, is one of the nastiest aspects of social media - you can say something awful and then get rid of it, as if it had never been said.

I would screenshot and send to school.

"There’s no denying that this is a bad message and is definitely not just kids being kids. It’s not sweary, it’s offensive, untrue and discriminatory. It would cast the child in a very very bad light if it was submitted to school."

Tough! The child needs to be educated in what's acceptable, this is exactly why you need to report it!

Your child (and others?) have already called this kid out on their inappropriate message and they still haven't deleted it?

Could your child follow up like 'you know some of our parents check this chat, make sure you delete it!' although you may not want to get your child more involved than they already are. Depends on their friendship.

So you have two options: tell the school or parent (you must have an inkling of how the parent could take it)

Or leave it and see what happens. Which will be nothing unless the child who has been named in a derogatory way has already been shown it. Kids screenshot and send this stuff everywhere so I wouldn't be shocked if it's already made it's way to the other child.

We had a similar incident, I flagged to parents who were very grateful and able to deal with their child.
its the only way to get kids to realise that NOTHING on the internet is private -
We tell ours to message as if a parent or teacher may see it one day, because they may well. We monitor our kids messages even at 14

Yeah, I am 0 tolerance on this shit. I regularly check and take screenshot of questionable behaviour and message parents directly with the proof of the shit their child is.

I have no time for pussy footing around appalling behaviour of others children and I don't care if they like me or not.

I don’t really want to involve school on the basis that it’s not up to them to police behaviour outside of school. It puts them in a difficult position. It’s not a school run messaging group.

Most schools are used to be involved in such things and don't mind. Infact most would rather know what was happening so they can address issues in school.

Is there a Facebook or WhatsApp group for parents? I remember seeing a few messages along the lines of “please keep an eye on the year 7 group chat as there are some inappropriate messages on there” - maybe you could post something similar?

Exactly this.

I had a similar situation when one of my dds was at a similar age and I was dithering about wondering what to do when happily a third parent who wasn’t related to either the child who made the offensive comment, or the child who was being commented about, simply went on to the thread and said “this is Fred’s mother here and I want you to know that offensive remarks are not allowed on here and it should be removed, you need to be respectful to each other and please remember that your parents are watching”

It did the job 😀

I had a massive fall out with a mum when I passed on racist messages her son was sending in a group chat.
No regrets, I’m not out to be friends with racists and it got the messages deleted. There was no come back on my teen

@Boiledeggsandsoldiers I think this is a really good solution. Let the child know that parents are watching the messages.

Great suggestion

I think a PP hit the nail on the head, they are still kids and need guidance. I would absolutely flag to the school with a screen shot. I would not mention it to the parents, but totally get why some would, it's personal choice. The worst thing is to do nothing. You are not setting an example to your child, you are not calling out bad behaviour, you are condoning bad behaviour by inaction.
Your child is internalising everything you do and everything you don't do. Every choice sets an example.
I also really like the suggestion of posting in the chat yourself with a reminder that parents are aware, but again this probably wouldn't be the route if go.
We have a saying at my workplace which fits here if you take email to mean all online interactions, dance like no one is watching, email like it'll be read out in court. Kids need to know that online interactions have greater impact because they are lasting, no one will forget as it's there in writing, even if it's deleted you can bet there will be screen shots. It might seem relatively minor in the scheme of things today, but big trees from little acorns grow.

Thanks for all the input guys, appreciate the responses and different viewpoints. Discussed with DH and decided that messaging the mother was the way to go so have done that.

In a similar vein, our Safeguarding Lead used to tell the children never to put anything online that you wouldn’t say out loud on the playground.

This is is the best idea I would send this - then everyone else can check and be equally aware!

Totally tell the school

This happened to a friend of mine but her daughter was in year 3

Another yr 3 so a 7/8yr was saying awful things to my friends daughter and sending videos that were vile about her as a person and being fat and skanky (girl wasn't but even if was slightly larger that not the point)

School was great

Sadly mum of girl not so - the apple doesn't land far from the tree comes to mind

I would screen shot and send

to school

The parent of child who said it

And also to parent of child it was said about

Mini blondes is 7 so year 2 and dread when she gets the the phone age 10/11 and situations like this will happen

Smartphones in year 3? Stupid is as stupid does...

It's linked to her mums account hence she saw the messages

Just because it’s linked to her mum’s account doesn’t make a smart phone for a 7/8 year old ok. Once the child has seen harmful messages/videos, they can’t be unseen.

Poor teacher, can't they just teach today.

You can get rid of the problem by taking your child of the group.
No good ever comes of these groups.

This 💯 - these are the actions of a responsible parent.
Dear lord this social media just gets so toxic.
Please report it, OP.
Don't be one of these permissive parents, it's going to get worse if you don't say something.

In these scenarios - always tell the school and let them deal with the parents.

Ours is great, and wants to know so that they can be ahead of any issues. Be aware of any problems between students or grps of students.
At the very least they can talk to the children as a group, class or form/year about the issues around this kind of messaging

Anyone giving a child that age a smart phone needs a good boot up the arse. And I wouldn’t create the parent with much common sense