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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to avoid my friend because of the way she talks to her 2 yr old? she talks to me THROUGH him!

32 replies

onthefence · 05/04/2008 10:06

Every 5 minutes I am told how 'bright' he is, how 'advanced' how 'intelligent' he is etc. and conversations we have are had through the poor child, even if he is totally not wanting to talk, just because he has good language, she feels the need to demonstrate it at every chance. The little boy gets very stroppy and has monster screaming fits which the mum thinks she can 'talk' him out of it and it generally just blows up and I end up going home early

It is awful. My 2 year old goes from being a chatty and cheeky toddler to being almost mute and acts out of character to get a bit of attention (pinches the child prodigy?s toys etc)

I can't help but see this friend regularly because she takes her ds to the same groups I go to. She upsets the atmosphere everywhere and I can't bare it!!!!

aibu?

It has affected our relationship and I find I don't really want to socialise without the kids like we used to.

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SmugColditz · 05/04/2008 10:08

treat her like a toddler. Reward the behavior you like, ignore what you don't like. She sounds a little insecure, if she has NOTHING to talk about but the kids.

Original poster
onthefence · 05/04/2008 10:20

She does talk about other things but she has to make her ds explain, like

Me: so did you do anything nice over the weekend?

Friend: hughbert, hughbert, what did we do on Saturday? Tell onthefence, she doesn't know what we did, but you do don't you hughbert? Tell onthefence, hughbert, tell her, where did we go? hughbert, go on, tell her...

Hughbert: wwwhwhwhhahahaahahhsgahahahaaa!!!!no no no no wwwwhahahagaaggagaaaaggaaaa

OR

Hughbert looks worried and concerned and tries desperately to appease his mother with an account of the weekend, which will include being prompted for what he ate bla bla etc.

Me: asleep, or gone home.

My dc: rebelling, as I would do if I were uninhibited.

(he is not called hughbert really, but nearly)

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kd73 · 05/04/2008 10:24

Sounds postively grim, I would suggest that unless you can meet without the children - refrain from meeting at all!

BetteNoir · 05/04/2008 10:28

Hmm.........
Does your friend have wild hair.
And would she benefit from some orthodontic work?
Does she have an eerie talent of being able to sing whilst drinking a glass of water?

Is Hubert made of wood?
Does she sit him on her lap a lot?
Does she dress him in jaunty suits?

Are they out a lot in the evenings?

If so, I think I have sussed them out.
www.bebo.com/FlashBox.jsp?FlashBoxId=5093368863&

Original poster
onthefence · 05/04/2008 10:30

oh phew, I do worry that IABU by getting so wound up. I think other people also notice and dislike it but cant ever really ask because it would make me very two-faced.

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tigermoth · 05/04/2008 10:31

Can you see her minus Hughbert and see how she is then? What was her conversational style like pre-Hughbert? She seems totally wrapped up in him. Are you prepared to sit it out till the obsession dies down?

If she really is like this all the time, then she's no friend worth having IMO.

There's a whole world of possible friends out there, don't waste your time on this person.

onebatmother · 05/04/2008 10:35

lol bette!

Disenchanted · 05/04/2008 10:36

Why not just say 'I asked you not Hughbert'

Shitemum · 05/04/2008 10:39

I would say 'oh, give him a break, he doesnt want to talk to us and i dont want to talk to him, i want to talk to you!'

but then i tend to say what i think...

Original poster
onthefence · 05/04/2008 10:40

she was good fun before kids, she has a baby no who doesn't get a look in and very quiet (or 'well behaved' according to friend)
I fear the obsession is here to stay, it seems like she is worried that if she doesn't make every opportunity a learning one, that he might not carry on his path of genius.
it is sad. the trouble is we live very very close. my worry is that if I do what I instinctivly would do -avoid avoid avoid. it will be obvious and hurtful to her, but I can't very well explain.

I have lots of lovely like minded friends and am not really bothered about losing her as a friend but it is a bit too close for cofort.

there is no solution I'm sure, I just needed a moan, thankyou!

OP posts:
Original poster
onthefence · 05/04/2008 10:45

rofl bette!

it's just like that minus the laughing!

she is teaching him to tell the time at the moment ffs.

disenchanted and shitemum I just wish I could be like that.

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Kewcumber · 05/04/2008 10:49

poor hughbert - when he is 14 with his first ASBO, will she be thinking that he is misunderstood genius?

tigermoth · 05/04/2008 10:58

You'll just have to be 'very busy' onthefence and not quite so available for this friend.

Why not blame your growing children for this - say they have such a busy social life now, with so many friends to catch up with and improving classes to go to, you're out all the time with them? It sounds like a reason she'd understand!

Original poster
onthefence · 05/04/2008 11:02

What I find most difficult is that they constantly go on about what a difficult child he is compared to other his age, he is extremely insecure ands worries about everything from noises to any change or new person. he only ever 'plays' with adults.
how do I respond when my dc goes to play with him, and a soon as they get into a squabble (as tends to happen with him sadly) hughbert crys and screams and the mum says (so so loudly) 'what happened hughbert? did little onthefence take your toy? then gets right in the middle of them until my dc does a very adult, reasonable appology and redeems himself by 'playing nicely' for the pair of them.

naturally my, usually very gentle and easy going dc, finds this a bit antagonistic and it happens again.

oh gosh rant rant sorry.

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Original poster
onthefence · 05/04/2008 11:03

yes tigermoth, being busy has to be the way forward, it's true, I am busy and soon she will be back at work and not so inmyface.

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UniversallyChallenged · 05/04/2008 11:07

bette - I really thought at first "oh she must know the woman" when you asked about hair and teeth

ROFL!!!

UniversallyChallenged · 05/04/2008 11:13

onthefence you have 2 options

  1. Put up with it - painful for you and ds
  1. Risk losing a "friendship" and explain to her how annoying she is. She will be told this many times in her life unless she changes. A good friend (probably you) would tell her before her behaviour becomes too entrenched and everyone starts to avoid her. A bad friend - me - would tell her because it would get my angst out and she would leave me and ds alone for a while!
maidamess · 05/04/2008 11:16

My SIL is like this.

It is understandable to a degree if it is her first child. I think many people lose 'who they are' when they have a baby, and completely forget what they used to like,or talk about before the baby came into their lives.

But mistakenly thinking that their child is ALL we want to talk about, or fail to communicate as an adult ,and the friends (and family) may soon drift away.

MadameCh0let · 05/04/2008 11:20

Yikes. I'd let your boredome shine through for just a nano-second too long; rearrange your face into politeness just a bit too slowly.

There's no way she should be allowed to think she is good company.

Heated · 05/04/2008 11:32

Offer dear Hughbert a toy, tweak his nose and tell him "go and play with that". Persistently face her when talking to her, keep using the word "you" & and use vocabulary too advanced for dear Hughbert?

Triggles · 05/04/2008 11:46

I'd have to agree with Heated on this. Try a subtle "Oh, you don't want to sit and talk with the boring old adults, do you?" to the boy and shoo him off to play. Then directly face her and say "I'm sorry, what did you say you did this weekend?"

MrsMacaroon · 05/04/2008 14:55

poor ickle hughbert....

WallOfSilence · 05/04/2008 15:10

I have a friend who presses her lips together & pulls them back into a smile... a smile that doesn't reach her eyes.... that's when I know she is bored with whatever we were talking about.

Could you try that?

Miggsie · 05/04/2008 15:21

Oh dear, this poor boy is heading for real social interaction problems with other children and he WILL be isolated at nursery and school at this rate.
It will take referral to a behavioural therapist (for the child) before doting mama even admits there is anything wrong with her parenting approach.
Either stop seeing her for a while, certainly stop your child "playing" with this one as it sounds no fun at all, or meet up at the park/playground and shovel young yukbert onto the slide.

Mummy's boy in the making I fear

Original poster
onthefence · 05/04/2008 17:50

thankyou for all the advice, am at least now finding this funny!

lol at yucbert and tweaking his nose!

I will definatley follow the advice now I am sure ianbu.

I do feel very sad for hughbert, he already sticks out as he struggles socially, he won't play with other children without an adult holing his hand and leading the play. there are some really perculiar things his parents have done to him but they would never know it is their doing, they just think he is being 'hughbertesque' such as his dads book-keeper comes to the house once a week for half a day, has done for most of hughberts little life but once he took a dislike to her and now he refuses to have her in the house when he is there, she has been left waiting on the doorstep before because he is screaming blue murder inside, all because the first day he decided he didn't like her, mum made such a huge fuss and didn't let him know there was nothing to worry about, she just just shoood the women out of the house and hid her away from him, so now each week poor hughbert thinks a big scarey monster sits in the room next door and the parents think I should feel sorry for them for having to cope with his hughberisms.

peeeerlease.

there are so many more dodgy things I could tell you but I know she lurks on here.

yes. it is doing my pip-in. I am busy for the next year if she asks. and I will practice my bored face in the mirror.

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