To not know how to build self esteem?

[RabbitsandGuineaPigs]

i’ve had therapy. I’ve read books, tried mindfulness, gratitude etc, but still my feelings of self worth are through the floor.

i have always lacked confidence. Grew up in a loving household, no major childhood trauma. friends, though never a ‘best friend’. No current friends as have moved away.

Did ok at uni, got married young. Still together. Smart enough but not outgoing enough at work. Suffered an extreme case of workplace bullying a number of years ago, probably still affected by it now. I’m underemployed and bored in my customer service role. I’m a natural introvert so feeling burnt out.

I would love to know how to develop real confidence without having a total personality transplant. I want to progress and find a job that excites me. How on earth do I do that?

Anyone else in the same boat?

A key rule is learning to recognise that most things aren’t about you, they’re about them. So for instance, if you’ve got low self esteem because people always criticise you, for example, remember they’re not doing it for your benefit, they’re doing it for them. They feel the need because it either makes them feel better than you or brings you down a peg or two to their perceived level by hurting you.

Life is a big competition, and even if some people find you annoying or whatever, it’s to do with THEM, not you. It’s their perception and not everyone will feel the same. You don’t exist to please other people, you exist to live your life along with people who want you in theirs and treat you as such.

May I ask what you want your confidence/self-esteem for? What I mean by that is, are you wanting confidence/self-esteem so you can feel more peace when doing the things you currently do, or so you can more easily do things that are new or different?

It may be that low self-esteem is a symptom of something else, rather than the cause. So if you don't treat/address the causes of low self-esteem in your current life you won't see an improvement.

Do you respect your current choices, is your life how you want it, are you living your values? Self-esteem and living the life you want is a bit of a chicken and egg situation.

If you wait until you feel better until you make changes, you are inadvertently telling yourself you're not good enough yet. Sometimes you have to make the changes and the feelings follow after.

Well I think you firstly need to separate your two distinct but linked issues. Low self esteem and wanting a job that excites you. Because you can work towards the second in a fake it till you make it way, and will likely find that has a positive impact on your self esteem, rather than waiting for your self esteem to be high enough to change career direction.
Personally I'd set very small achievable goals towards it. So first I'd try to decide what I was aiming for. What work would excite you? Then research how to get into it and move slowly in that direction. Each step will be a little confidence boost.
You could also do a lot worse than consider the third sector. You can usually get a foot on the ladder by volunteering, so there's an 'in'. The environment can be more inclusive and nurturing which is good for self esteem. As is the feeling that the work you do has meaning and makes a difference to others.

Thanks for the suggestions. I suppose I want better self esteem to be more at peace with myself and my choices, as well as to feel the confidence to try new things and get out of a rut.

I’m extremely critical of myself and it’s massively hindered me in life. I’ve made some stupid decisions at times (haven’t we all!) but I still beat myself up about them many years later. I no longer try much that’s new as I’m so scared of failure that it’s safer not to try. Logically I know that’s completely irrational but it’s so ingrained in me that I struggle not to.

I actually do already volunteer. Weirdly, I don’t think I’d want to be employed by the organization as I want to choose to give my time freely to them rather than being obligated to do so. Plus it’s high stress so as a volunteer I’m free to step back at any time and take a little break for a week or two to prevent burnout. Maybe working for another non-profit where I am interested but not as passionate could work.

A key thing for me was to realise that my negative beliefs about myself were just that, my beliefs. They had no basis in fact and no relation to what others thought of me.

If you can limit the effect of other people's opinions, you'll go a long way to building your self-esteem. Stop caring if people do or don't like you as it's often a perception rather than reality.

I find volunteering to be very helpful to build self-esteem, you're doing something in the service of others, using skills that are often unique and valued. Use those thoughts and build on them elsewhere.

also remember that self-confidence ebbs and flows, nobody is highly confidence all the time, so you don't need to. Roll with the punches, become resilient to things going wrong, learn and grow, life isn't perfect !

I'd say working in a job that don't match your skill set is a factor.

You have to push yourself, you will then mix with people at your level and realise you are good and or better than them and your confidence will start to increase.

I don't know what your are qualified in but I'd start looking for jobs in that and what you are passionate about.

Journal. Each week draw a picture of yourself and around it write everything that you can think of that's positive about yourself.

Daily write down your wins and also things that are holding you back.

Work on the areas that are holding you back until they are no longer barriers. Weather that's addressing something simple like how you dress or something more challenging like doing another degree and reaching your full potential.

Schedule your day around you energy levels and make yourself the best version of yourself. For example, get up and hour earlier go for a run. Read books in the evening. Keep learning. I'm introverted so I only socialise when I can be in the head space and feel not at all guilty saying no to things I don't want to do or wont enjoy.