Violent 7 yr old

[goodnessmeitsfriday]

Hello all.
Posting here for traffic, name changed for this but been on MN for longer than I care to remember.
My best friends adopted son (I think this is relevant?- He had been with her since he was 2.) is nearly 8 and he's VERY violent to his mum, to the point she has to lock herself in a different room until he calms down.
Today she came into work with a massive scratch across her face and is regularly covered in bruises and scratches. I think he may be on the autistic spectrum (he really struggles with transitions and has "special interests" but also seems quite manipulative to me. She has overcompensated in a big way, she still feeds him and they also co sleep. There seems to be no support for them at all as a family to deal with this so I'm looking to see if anyone here has any ideas.
She has tried lots of gentle parenting techniques but to no avail. She walks on eggshells all of the time around him and I don't think it's particularly healthy. She is incredibly ashamed of his behaviour. I should also add he is a model student at school and a CAMHS referral has been done but a 3-4 year wait here. I worry for her safety as he gets bigger and stronger. He partner is utterly useless. I'd be very grateful for any experiences or tips I can pass on to her.

Adopted children can often have attachment issues and added to any neurodiversity he is probably in a purgatory of sensory overload from his own physiology, his emotional responses and coping with life.

That is no consolation to your friend but is she in any local support groups for adoptive parents? They also have links to respite and other support.

Also it’s no good dismissing partners as ‘useless’ - in circumstances like that they have not got the luxury, it’s all hands on deck. She may not have the emotional bandwidth for another fight but she needs him to pull his weight and work as a team. Or fuck off.

I wasn't dismissing him as useless, simply stating a fact. I think he tries is best but totally not equipped to deal with it.

He must have experienced substantial trauma (a) from the reasons that led to him being put up adoption and (b)the actual adoption.
A very gentle approach is probably the correct course of action

Could social services help?

She needs specialist help with his behaviour, not AIBU judgement. “Overcompensating” - it’s clear where you think some of the blame lies. Some friend you are.

She should be able to access post adoption services within her local council.
She will be allocated an adoption social worker who will help decide the best course of action.
Adopted children can also be referred to ADCAHMS by the social worker which is cAHMS for adopted children.
Hope this helps xx

Many adopted children have experienced severe trauma and have attachment issues which can look like autism.

Standard parenting is not appropriate. She should be able to access support through the adoption agency/people.

They both say it themselves, they have overcompensated for his tricky start.
So actually I am a wonderful friend.

If the child’s parents and grandparents also lived in dysfunctional homes there are likely to be epigenetic factors involved in his tendency to lash out. He and they need specialist support. Can they afford to seek private therapy?

When there is violence like that, it can be a strong indicator of a PDA profile, has she looked at those resources? There is a really good PDA society website. She might have some success with those strategies. Gentle parenting etc is not for nd kids, who often need a very different type of management strategy to those all the parenting books advise. She could also read The Explosive Child, which was a great start for me at the beginning of our journey. The reality is that she will need to be really proactive about self help and doing her own research to improve her life while she waits for support.

Is she accessing early help? She should speak to her school's family worker (it doesn't matter that her child is masking at school, she should still be able to access early help). She should consider applying for an ehcp because even if his behaviours are not seen in school, there will most likely be unmet needs which are exacerbating the situation. Point her to the mumsnet special needs board. It had been my saviour. Early help may also give her access to mental health team support in her area. We got one to ones via this route, fairly early on, which equipped us better for dealing with our dd's most extreme behaviour. She needs to start from a basis of understanding that it is extreme anxiety that underpins the behaviour. Reduce the anxiety, improve the behaviour.

It's no wonder she walks on eggshells. Most parents of nd kids do.

As pp have said this is more likely developmental trauma/attachment disorder than ASD. Children with these difficulties benefit from therapeutic parenting and lots of sensory support. The family should be able to access support from local authority post -adoption services. Parenting children with trauma is really really hard and parents will need lots of support to allow them to continue giving him what he needs. I think possibly overcompensating isn't the right term here, this child will need lots of extra love and nurture and that won't be what is causing the issue. He is likely to have missed out on this in his first two years and so needs to be cared for like a younger child in many ways to make up for this.

We have an adopted DD who is ND and also has attachment disorder. Firstly I think that the behavioural issues are likely not to be to do with their parenting at least not mainly. Adopted children need a lot of love and a hard line approach is not the way to go. I'd get them to look at the Great Behavioural Breakdown. It's helped us enormously. There is a UK branch run by a man called Zach Gomm.

There are a lot of techniques to help. One of the things we do is have a safe space (bedroom) where she can have a meltdown. We leave her to it. It's terrifying but generally she comes out of it sooner than if we try to intervene (and previously we had to call the police).

They also need to contact the post adoption team. They will help get get funding to get diagnoses. There is a wait but it's shorter than cahms.