Age old who's got it harder argument I guess

[dethbitto]

Prepared to be told if I’m in the wrong - I don’t think I am though.

Myself and dh have 3 kids, two of which are under 2. I stay at home with them, the older one is autistic and currently not at school due to ebsa (a whole other thread) Dh goes out to work and works hard, no arguing that.
I do the night feeds and that’s no issue, I wouldn’t expect dh to get up every couple of hours when he has work the next day, I also do all the household chores, the dinner etc, again I don’t complain as he works, I see it as my job looking after the children and the house.

My issue is this, dh comes home around teatime, I’ve cooked the kids tea, his tea, done all the housework type stuff that needs doing, entertained the kids all day, sometimes walked into town and back, usually I’ve still got wet washing that needs hanging in the airers as I haven’t had chance to do that yet. By the time he’s come home, had tea, possibly gave the baby a bottle (which I’ve asked him to do) toddler is in pjs etc I like to go and have a bath/shower, it takes me 30 mins or so. I don’t think this is a problem, dh does. He thinks I should either shower in the morning or do it when the kids are in bed, so past 9pm once everyone is styled down and asleep. I don’t have time in the morning, I wash my face and brush my teeth and that’s me. So basically, I don’t get one fucking minute to myself away from the children, all day.

Aibu??? Should I be allowed to go and have 30 mins to bathe while he watches the kids ?
He cannot handle the kids on his own, just can’t deal with it !! He thinks we should be looking after them together, my argument is I look after them all day! And night ! He goes to work and yes it’s a physical job, but he gets a break, a lunch, some child free time and some days are easier than others, quieter jobs where he isn’t actually doing that much. He says it’s easy at home. My day with the kids is full on ALL the time, I have a 13 week old baby, a toddler who is an absolute terror and if anyone has an autistic child will know how hard that is listening to the constant chatter of their special interests, stimming, routine etc. My life is HARD. I wouldn’t change it for the world but fuck me, anyone would think I’m asking for the world wanting to have a bloody bath!

If looking after the kids at home is so easy, why can't he do it for half an hour so you can wash?

He can't have it both ways, it's either hard to look after them both in which case he should fucking appreciate what you do all day and give you half an hour off, OR it's easy in which case he should be able to do it for half an hour no bother. Whatever the case he's got no excuse, he's just lazy.

YANBU obvs, but I'm sure you're going to get one or two of the classic "half an hour to shower?! What takes that long? I can be in and out, wash my hair and shave my entire body from head to toe in 35 seconds!" crowd in amongst the rest.

Given the age and needs of your children, whatever job he does, I'd take it all day long over yours. But that's beside the point. Not allowing your partner 30 mins to shower is abusive behaviour. If you're not actually scared of him (which would be another issue entirely) then just tell him you're going. Don't ask. And if he doesn't like it, well that's too bad.

He’s being a twit. YANBU.
I would be absolutely fucking raging at him saying you have it easy. What a prick.

Oh don't worry I do just say tough shit I'm going, but it causes arguments ! And makes me think, hang on am I in the wrong here ?? But I know I'm not ! I just wish he would see that lol other than this he is great, but this is one thing that keeps coming up and it's pissing me off

Why do some men think their job trumps staying at home looking after the kids ? My head is blown by the end of the day it's none stop moaning

He has no clue how hard your daily life is. Managing all those chores with those little ones is a real struggle. I'd start doing less and sharing some of it out once they're in bed.

I don't think until you've done it, you can realise how intensive it is.

I remember dh saying he was so jealous of me being home with dd1 and seeing her all day. I replied that I was jealous of him having lunch time when he didn't have to do anything. He started to say that surely I got lunch too, and only then did he realise. He then started always doing her bath and I then got 30-45 minutes complete break from everything while he did it, unless complete disaster (like the time he knocked the entire bottle of bubble bath into the water) Worked well.

But the one that even now makes me laugh was after dd2 was born. When dd2 was a newborn we did the bath together for a bit. Once she was beginning to sit up, I suggested that he could probably manage to do both and I'd appreciate my break again. He said he didn't think he could manage both - but actually it might be nice if he could just spend an hour playing with them, so if I could bath them and get them ready for bed, in time for him coming home.
Once I'd finished laughing and pointing out if he couldn't do it while I was there on emergency call, how could he expect me to do it without a potential emergency call, he got it. He did the bath again.

But really he didn't get how full on it is until I was ill for a couple of days and he had them full time one weekend and only then he realised that you don't get a break, and it isn't about sitting there nicely reading or doing what you want while the children calmly get on with their own thing.

So if possible, try and see if you can go out for a bit. Start small. Leave them while you go to the shop or something. And build up. It's partially about confidence, so don't complain if you come back and find their jumper on backwards* and the floor covered with craft items.
It's very easy to get into a habit of complaining if they don't do it the way you do it. But as long as it isn't harmful, let them. And when they say how exhausted they are you can point out that you do that every day.

*That would have been a good dressing day. Dh once dressed dd1 (aged 4) and dd2 (aged 1) in each other's clothes and didn't notice until I came back. Dd1 wasn't small either.