To want DIL and baby to live with us?

[Duckingella]

DS and his long term partner are both 20;we refer to said partner as our DIL;they are expecting;it wasn't planned.

They both still live at home;DS is away with his job Sunday evening to Friday afternoon each week.DS and DIL spend weekends at our house.

They will be getting their own place but won't be until baby is at least a few months old.Due to the circumstances of DS's job it can't happen sooner and he can't leave said job as he's tied into a long contract.

My DH and I aren't keen on our DIL continuing to live at her parents home once baby arrives.

The reason is that my DIL's drug addict uncle lives with them;he's a very toxic person,I'm not happy about someone who is potentially high being around my DS and DIL's vulnerable newborn,this man also continuously harasses my DIL for money as she works (he doesn't);he steals from the house and family members;he's stolen things from my DIL to the point she has to keep her valuables at our house and he's brought trouble to my DIL's parents house such as people turning up demanding money he owes and the smashing up of DIL's fathers and step mothers cars.

The POS should be kicked out by DIL's father and step mother to protect their family but they won't.

This next part isn't a wind up and sounds like something out of a soap opera but the step mother has in the past had two affairs with the drug addict;once whilst still married to her ex husband and once again when he's been living with her and husband number 2 who's the addict's brother.

And yes my DIL's father allows his addict trouble making brother to continue to live with him despite knowing he has had an affair with his wife.It's very likely they are still sleeping together too.

DIL's is a nice enough man but a wet lettuce who as you can tell is a complete doormat.

I understand your feelings.

But you can't force or demand this. The poor girl has enough on her plate without discord with her ILs.

If I were you, I'd make it clear that she is always welcome at yours, whenever she needs it.

Where is her mum in this? Is she on the scene?

Does your DIL want to live with you? I would tell her and DS that the offer is there, and that you would love to have her and the baby, and then leave the ball in their court. You could point out that there's more room at yours, it will be more peaceful, etc, etc. I wouldn't bother mentioning her scummy family - she already knows how awful they are.

I think you are absolutely not being unreasonable to WANT them to live with you and I can see it would be a huge worry for you with all going on with her family but your DS and DIL are adults, I think YABU if you think it's you're right to be telling them what they should or shouldn't be doing. Also when your DS is working away so much it's understandable DIL would want to be with her family.
Do they want to live with you or what are they saying?

Have you actually asked her to move in?

It’s entirely down to DIL. Let her know the offer is always there and otherwise back off.

The poor lass has so much going on at a very young age. She doesn’t need any pressure from you.

You're talking about your DIL like she's a child. What does SHE think?

Talk it over with your DS and leave him to talk to her about it so they can decide together.

Going from a couple of days a week staying with her partner, to living there full time with you and her baby sounds like a lot to me tbh.

Juts be very, very careful not to over step if she does move in.

Unfortunately the mother isn't and hasn't been for a long time;I have made it clear she can move in if she wishes and always tell her our home is her home as much as it is ours.We have a good relationship with DIL.

I think my husband is planning on having a dad to dad talk with DS about living arrangements and safety.DS isn't at all keen on the uncle either.

Offer it to her in a way that she doesn't feel that she's choosing. 'Come for a few days if you need a break, you're welcome to come and stay with the baby if you need a good night's sleep etc etc.

Don't mention that you are offering because of your disapproval of her family. Just offer her something different, a respite and hopefully she'll spend more and more time at yours. In fact start before the baby's born. Tell her to come to your for tea and to chill etc.

You are free to want whatever you want, but your dil is an adult with the right to make her own decisions.

Have you asked her? Have a conversation b with ds and fil and invite her to life with you.

Before you do, think about how it’s going to work. What ground rules you expect. How much rent? Tidiness expectations etc

Just let DS and DIL know that the offer is there if they want or need it and then leave it up to them. That's all you can do.

Awwww bless you. You sound like a great MIL.

DIL may well be coping ok in the family home now but that may change once the baby arrives, she will want your DS's support

But wait for your DS to take the lead. Tell him she is always welcome, and make it about you wanting to see DIL rather than the baby (although obviously you are really looking forward to them arriving!) Once the baby is here and your DS wants to spend much more time with them it will hopefully naturally mean they come to your house as it is more welcoming and calm.

Just be patient - don't go crazy and start buying cribs and things for your house or DIL might start a MIL thread 😉

The same ground rules would apply as what's already in place and we don't charge rent just ask that they buy their own food which they do.

It would only be temporary;the ideal scenario is that the uncle is given his marching orders then there would be no issue.

It sounds like the new mums wishes aren't really a consideration here.

My first thought is safeguarding for the child living with an addict. I don't know at what point social services would get involved but it's not exactly a healthy set up

Is he military? If so, the housing rules have become more relaxed recently. It may be worth pursuing the MQ route, even if he is only temporarily posted somewhere, they may be able to sort something for welfare reasons. Not saying it'll definitely be possible but would be worth trying. Although ignore me if he isn't, your post just screamed mirror to me!

*military

I'm not sure what your DH having a talk with DS is going to achieve.

I think all of you need to support DIL in what she needs. If DS and his GF are both working, they should be able to rent somewhere, even a 1 bed flat would give them more space and privacy than living with family.

It is vital to remember and to respect that your DIL has the baby's best interests at heart, more than anyone. Be led by her.

Does she want you to live with you?

That's the most important question

Have you offered for her to move in with you? What did she say? She's an adult and can make her own decisions but when the baby comes, if she continues to live there and you feel the baby is at risk, would you involve social services? Have you discussed this with your DS?

In the end, it is up to your DIL. You are suggesting she leave her home where she may prefer to be.

You've made it clear that she would be very welcome. Now you need to back off and let her make her own decision.

Don't pass judgement on her family, it won't help.

You can offer it. Don’t push it and don’t mention her awful family. But maybe your DS can chat to her about it in regards to the safety of the baby, living with a drug addict with angry dealers coming to the house isn’t a safe place for his baby. He of course has more of a say on the matter than you (though I know you mean well).

I would assume the druggy uncle will remain in situ if he’s not been expelled before now. If you’ve offered and your ‘DiL’ has refused, I think all you can do is ensure she realises the offer is serious and remains open. It may be that she prefers to be in her own family home despite the presence of her uncle.

Unfortunately moving into a place of their own at the moment isn't an option as it's a complicated situation with my sons career and location.