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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask whether we are nightmare NB or are they? And what can we do?

60 replies

advicepleaseandpfm · 24/05/2024 11:50

Neighbour is in his early 70s - wife lives with him and they have a grown up son (he is married but wife lives in Asia and has their three children there). We knew they were a bit brusque when we moved in but we always got on with them and rubbed along - we tried to. I do remember one occasion when we had just moved in and someone fell over on the path outside their house and was bleeding, I saw it went out and helped them.
These neighbours sat in their lounge watching me while I called an ambulance - I was actually a bit upset because they are able bodied and have children and grandchildren, but their call if they don't want to help. I thought 'what type of neighbourhood are we in' - during lockdown they broke most of the social distancing rules and had relatives in the house. So I knew then maybe they weren't our cup of tea and in fact one of their grandchildren stayed and he was only 7 and was out in the local park all day and tried to set fire to some of the playground equipment and also wrote in permanent pen on the swing and slides.
Anyway that's the background and he did also say when we moved in 'it's a quiet neighbourhood, we make the noise around here'.
So we got a dog three years ago.
The neighbour started complaining about our dog barking, our dog is vocal but and does bark, but only for a few minutes and she goes to bed when we do. It can be annoying but where we live there are much noisier and more persistent dogs barking! And if she does bark in the night it's because we have foxes that scream in the park near us. I'm woken by them first. We play music to make sure she can't hear in.
Neighbour starts banging on the wall, telling us to shut up our dog. Even when its just a few minutes. On one occasion they set off fireworks in their garden then when our dog barked they banged on the wall. It gets really nasty where he's threatening to kill the dog and us. Swearing in front of our daughter and calling us awful names.

We ended up reporting him to the police. He then reports us to the council for noise nuisance - he sends a diary to the council and the officer calls us to tell us that the noise the dog makes is not unreasonable and because it's not all hours everything is fine. He'd put 2pm barking for a minute on the diary.

These neighbours do play loud music and they do have loud music every afternoon. I don't mind this - but the previous owner of our house was an elderly lady so maybe he's not happy about having a family of five here.

Anyway it gets to the stage where a few weeks we slam a door (actually our teenager slammed it) and we have the neighbour's son screaming at me and my husband out of the back window. I end up writing a letter and posting it through their door - saying we love our neighbours we don't want anything nasty to happen and I also said if we had to move - the neighbour is shouting at us to move - then is no guaranteed it won't be a younger noisier family who might make more noise.

Apparently that was seen a 'threat' and the son threatens to beat up me and my husband! We report to them to the police who are now looking at prosecuting. while this has gone on (for nearly two years) the neighbour has followed me down and up the street and shouted at me behind my back. I'm at least a foot shorter than him and he does it when no-one is around.

He's also done some other weird things I confronted him a few weeks ago he'd been drinking and he admitted that the dogs didn't make that much noise and his wife was ill so she was in pain and that kept him awake most nights. He said his grown up son had to put electrical wires up and needed to go to bed at 8am and get up at 6am. He said he'd been living here 48 years and had bought his house from the council so he should stay and we should move - I pointed out I have a primary and secondary school child.
For the record I start work at 6.30am from home for my job and I also have chatted to neighbours who tell me he's known for shouting 'bitch' out the window at women he doesn't like.
This morning (we are waiting for the police to update us) he tells my husband we are selfish scum and only think of ourselves (he knows both DH do volunteering and he knows what job I do) and that all our neighbours hate us and we need to move. Our dog did bark at 11pm last night - as we were out at a very rare fund raising event. We don't hold parties and now don't any family or friends round as we are scared of making noise. We want to move and rent out our house and live with our family nearby - and then move when my daughters finish school (one will be doing exams next year). How can we resolve this, he wants us to move - but we can't. Should we go round to our neighbours and see what we can do?

OP posts:
YaMuvva · 28/05/2024 11:45

advicepleaseandpfm · 24/05/2024 12:28

She doesn't bark during the night - it's quite rare - and I'm a light sleeper - so when they do I'll be the first to wake up. with the ambulance thing - I needed help - she needed to be supported and I also had to leave her to get some dressings from our house. I didn't want to leave her on her own - she was an elderly lady.

You may be the first to wake up but you’re not the only one - it’s your choice to have a dog but your neighbours are suffering because of your choice

RishiFinallyDidTheRightThing · 28/05/2024 12:00

Your neighbours sound unpleasant, but if you want to regain the moral high ground, you need to sort out your noisy dog. Dogs can be trained not to bark without good reason, it just takes a bit of effort.

Wesel85 · 28/05/2024 12:07

I don't personally see that the OP has done anything wrong, regardless if her dog barks that still dose not justify being intimidated or screamed abuse at no situation should call for that.

I would get some training for your dog so that people can stop using that as an excuse for why your neighbours are frankly unpleasant, I don't believe this will make a difference though as they will just find something else to moan about.

Unfortunately even if you didn't have a dog MN would still try to find an excuse for why this is your fault and not just because u have a**hole neighbours.

You could ignore them, but sometimes this backfires as it just amps them up more, no communication is a must as it seems that won't resolve anything.

Keep records of everything and look In to if moving is an option for you.

greenpolarbear · 28/05/2024 12:17

You both sound awful and I feel sorry for all your other neighbours. It must be hellish for them.

advicepleaseandpfm · 28/05/2024 14:14

Wesel85 · 28/05/2024 12:07

I don't personally see that the OP has done anything wrong, regardless if her dog barks that still dose not justify being intimidated or screamed abuse at no situation should call for that.

I would get some training for your dog so that people can stop using that as an excuse for why your neighbours are frankly unpleasant, I don't believe this will make a difference though as they will just find something else to moan about.

Unfortunately even if you didn't have a dog MN would still try to find an excuse for why this is your fault and not just because u have a**hole neighbours.

You could ignore them, but sometimes this backfires as it just amps them up more, no communication is a must as it seems that won't resolve anything.

Keep records of everything and look In to if moving is an option for you.

Thank you. We've been very vigilant with our dog's training. We even paid for a behavioural therapist - who told us there was nothing wrong. The whole thing has driven away all rationality.
We had a run in yesterday with them and I tried the grey stone technique- well a version of it. Neighbour starts ranting about things before we got the dogs. Weird stuff - our politics and our family (DH is related to a well known politician and we think neighbour has worked out who it is/was) it's not a divisive politician either - someone most people respected. Then he went on about a door slamming. One of our other neighbours has been round to offer support - not prompted just bought us a cake!

OP posts:
advicepleaseandpfm · 28/05/2024 14:15

greenpolarbear · 28/05/2024 12:17

You both sound awful and I feel sorry for all your other neighbours. It must be hellish for them.

Neighbour bought round a cake yesterday so yeah - we must be dreadful!!

OP posts:
WhenTheMoonShines · 28/05/2024 14:35

You’re feeding into the drama by engaging with them. Surprised the police haven’t advised you to stop doing that tbh, it’s always their first bit of advice when getting involved in neighbour disputes. There’s nothing you can really do now you’ve got the police involved, you’ll need to declare the dispute if you sell up.

advicepleaseandpfm · 28/05/2024 14:57

WhenTheMoonShines · 28/05/2024 14:35

You’re feeding into the drama by engaging with them. Surprised the police haven’t advised you to stop doing that tbh, it’s always their first bit of advice when getting involved in neighbour disputes. There’s nothing you can really do now you’ve got the police involved, you’ll need to declare the dispute if you sell up.

Edited

Actually we've decided to rent our house out and move abroad; something we had planned on doing but just not in the next five years. So I'm looking at all this as maybe a positive thing and thankfully we've had support from our neighbours.
Our other neighbours have told us they can't hear our dog and have said they get woken every night by the foxes in the woods near us. Their bedroom is closer to the woods though so that might be why.

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 28/05/2024 15:34

greenpolarbear · 28/05/2024 12:17

You both sound awful and I feel sorry for all your other neighbours. It must be hellish for them.

How the hell did you come to that conclusion? 🤣
Seriously?!?! 🤷‍♀️

YaMuvva · 28/05/2024 15:45

1HappyTraveller · 28/05/2024 15:34

How the hell did you come to that conclusion? 🤣
Seriously?!?! 🤷‍♀️

Barking dogs, music from both r properties and screaming fish wives - I agree it sounds horrific

advicepleaseandpfm · 28/05/2024 16:38

@1HappyTraveller I mentioned we played music at night for our dog so she didn't react to the noise of the foxes screaming outside.
It's only classic fm played on volume 2 on an Alexa device.
I don't know how that has become loud music -I can't bear loud noise and have hyper sensitive hearing.
So we don't play loud music and I don't scream out of windows - the neighbour did.
Am I missing something - why are so many judgemental and incorrect replies to my OP.
When the neighbour shouted and swore out of the window I asked him to be quiet - i didnt shout. In no way have we ever shouted back...

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 28/05/2024 17:13

advicepleaseandpfm · 28/05/2024 16:38

@1HappyTraveller I mentioned we played music at night for our dog so she didn't react to the noise of the foxes screaming outside.
It's only classic fm played on volume 2 on an Alexa device.
I don't know how that has become loud music -I can't bear loud noise and have hyper sensitive hearing.
So we don't play loud music and I don't scream out of windows - the neighbour did.
Am I missing something - why are so many judgemental and incorrect replies to my OP.
When the neighbour shouted and swore out of the window I asked him to be quiet - i didnt shout. In no way have we ever shouted back...

Honestly. I wouldn’t stress, some people don’t bother reading and prefer make things up in their head as they go along. At bit like how @YaMuvva has come to their conclusion on the topic 🤣.

I see how you’ve said you’re moving abroad @advicepleaseandpfm. Good luck with transition, I hope that you feel more settled in your new home. Your current neighbour sounds unhinged.

Worriedmamma19 · 28/05/2024 17:24

your definitely not in the wrong here anyone that says otherwise hasn’t dealt with bad neighbours. Some breeds also do bark like working dogs working springer working cocker etc. we had neighbours move in who were in the 70s next door who used to swear at us and my baby, they would wait for us to come home to shout at us on the driveway because we hadn’t cleaned the roof and they didn’t want to look at it (it was a normal roof we didn’t want it jet washing) and we only mowed the lawn once a week because we work!! We moved because I was scared to leave the house I had a difficult birth and hadn’t recovers all my strength they used to watch me leave the house to go to the park with the baby so mum friends would walk us back. They removed the fence panels so they could watch us on the garden. They would climb down on to our back garden and look around we caught them on cctv

TheTartfulLodger · 28/05/2024 17:35

From what you are describing you keep engaging with him, putting notes through his door, confronting him. Why?? Just stop engaging. That's what grey rock means. Stop confronting him. Stop putting notes in his door. Stop engaging with him. Otherwise to the outside it will look like tit for tat and you will come out of this looking just as bad. Let him look like the aggressor by not engaging with him full stop. Just behave like he doesn't exist.

TheTartfulLodger · 28/05/2024 17:39

1HappyTraveller · 28/05/2024 15:34

How the hell did you come to that conclusion? 🤣
Seriously?!?! 🤷‍♀️

By reading the OPs posts with all the details about her putting notes in his door and confronting him, which obviously has just antagonised him even more.

They often say in these neighbour disputes that more often than not it escalates because the victim keeps engaging. As OP openly states doing a number of times.

DecoratingDiva · 28/05/2024 17:52

I imagine your dog is way more annoying to them than you realise but that does not excuse their behaviour which sounds extreme.

I would not engage with them at all, you have now got the police involved so trying to engage more with the neighbours will only make things worse.

If you rent out the house they will still be the neighbours from hell but your tenants may well be expecting you to deal with it so while you won’t have so much direct involvement it won’t solve your problem.

The only sure thing you can do is move & hope your new neighbours are not as bad.

I had terrible neighbours 20+ years ago, it escalated to them trashing my car after yet another party & the police didn’t care, and it still impacts me so I would just get as far away from them as I could. Good luck.

advicepleaseandpfm · 28/05/2024 17:54

Okay I'm doing the grey rock method! We only put a note in his door to try and calm things down.
However other advice we've had since also recommends ignoring him - that giving him a reaction of any kind.
What should I do when he shouts at me in the street though? And swears and shouts at my daughters

OP posts:
AlocasiaPolly · 28/05/2024 18:22

advicepleaseandpfm · 28/05/2024 17:54

Okay I'm doing the grey rock method! We only put a note in his door to try and calm things down.
However other advice we've had since also recommends ignoring him - that giving him a reaction of any kind.
What should I do when he shouts at me in the street though? And swears and shouts at my daughters

Continue to ignore him. He'll look even more of an idiot, and it'll soon stop.

RacecourseResident · 28/05/2024 20:30

Hello OP,

just signed up and logged in so I could add to the conversation.
I had an experience with challenging (to put it mildly) neighbours for many years a few years back. I won't bore you with the details but wanted to say I was eventually able to move out a little while ago and the difference to my quality of life is enormous. Sadly some (many) people don't change, can't be reasoned with and will take any olive branch as a sign of weakness. It does sound like you find yourself in such a position. My advice would be to take the lessons you've learned and move ASAP. It may seem a lot of work and you'll be angry you've been forced into this position but it is long term the best course of action. I hadn't realised the full extent of the toll it had taken on my mental and physical health and it negatively impacted my life and career (probably permanently). Don't make it a battle of wills (particularly with someone who has less to lose) just plot and execute your departure as efficiently as you can.
I am sorry this has happened but you are not the only one!
Best wishes

GoingDownLikeBHS · 28/05/2024 20:34

"What should I do when he shouts at me in the street though? And swears and shouts at my daughters" - well, nothing, you deserve it don't you eh? Because the minute you typed "my dog barked" it was game over on here; your neighbours are clearly spiteful and anti-social, but on MN letting your dog go woof is far far worse than a man following a woman down the road and receiving threats etc. Its like the ultimate sin.

1HappyTraveller · 28/05/2024 20:34

TheTartfulLodger · 28/05/2024 17:39

By reading the OPs posts with all the details about her putting notes in his door and confronting him, which obviously has just antagonised him even more.

They often say in these neighbour disputes that more often than not it escalates because the victim keeps engaging. As OP openly states doing a number of times.

So that makes the OP ‘awful’ and it ‘must be hellish’ for the other neighbours? Really? Did you read everything she said or are you just picking and choosing. She clearly explained that she tried to calm the situation. Not sure how that makes her an awful person at all. Her neighbour is being extremely challenging and she is doing what she thinks is best. Thankfully for her some of the suggestions on this thread have been helpful. But some of the comments here really are bizarre.

1HappyTraveller · 28/05/2024 20:37

GoingDownLikeBHS · 28/05/2024 20:34

"What should I do when he shouts at me in the street though? And swears and shouts at my daughters" - well, nothing, you deserve it don't you eh? Because the minute you typed "my dog barked" it was game over on here; your neighbours are clearly spiteful and anti-social, but on MN letting your dog go woof is far far worse than a man following a woman down the road and receiving threats etc. Its like the ultimate sin.

This ☝🏻

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 28/05/2024 20:38

How loud is the music and how long are you playing it for?
No idea if it would be classed as anti social behaviour? Just a thought.

Your neighbours sound vile, no wonder the lady wanted to move.

Agree with this -“ Get to know your other neighbours. Though don't get involved in slagging nightmare neighbour off - avoid discussing him at all if you can. other than to say you don't have anything to do with him if you can help it.”

Your dog wouldn’t bother me as we have foxes who make much worse noises!

NoThanksymm · 28/05/2024 22:50

There is a voice recorder on your phone. Record everything! Death threats cannot be tolerated. Report every time. Get a restraining order.

HelpNeededBeforeIHaveABreakdown · 28/05/2024 23:24

He's also done some other weird things I confronted him a few weeks ago he'd been drinking and he admitted that the dogs didn't make that much noise and his wife was ill so she was in pain and that kept him awake most nights. He said his grown up son had to put electrical wires up and needed to go to bed at 8am and get up at 6am. He said he'd been living here 48 years and had bought his house from the council so he should stay and we should move - I pointed out I have a primary and secondary school child.

This bit is rather key, he will be under enormous stress and focusing his upset on you.