in risking a fall out with my brother over money?

[FiteFuaite]

Story is,I have a small piece of land that I need to sell in order to fund the purchase of a house.This is going to upset my brother as he doesn't like to see things changed and would rather I didn't sell it.

We are renting at the moment and I am tired at being at the mercy of our landlord,I want to settle down in our own house,I want to get my pension sorted out,I just want to sell this land as I am never going to do anything with it myself.

This brother suffers from depression and takes medication for it and really,he dictates what goes in our family as my mother hates to upset him. His wife has gotten away with outrageous behaviour because people are also afraid to say anything to her in case it affects my brother. My mother thinks 'I should just wait and see what tomorrow may bring' 'I should count our blessings' 'I am lucky compared to most' 'Why can't I wait a bit longer' which doesn't help things at all,she just wants me to drift along and not rock the boat but I am not getting any younger (I'm 41,my brother is in his late 50s)and tbh,we are struggling paying rent in a not very nice place at all.

I know I am lucky to have this piece of land,but I need a house and stability now for my young family and selling it is the only way I can achieve this.

I wish I didn't have to sell this land,I wish there was some other way to sort things out,but I can't see any other way. My other siblings think I should just tell him it's being sold and leave it at that,but I can't.I need to know how to approach the issue with him so that everyone is happy with the outcome.

Is there any way to do this and keep everyone sweet?

Or AI totally BU by wanting to stop renting and just grin and bear it for another year or two?

You have to do what is best for you and your family. Yur family are those that live in your house.

Gosh, if I develop depression and become a royal PITA will you give some land to me? I'll even be rude to everyone I go out to a restaurant with if you insist.

YANBU. It is your land and you should be able to do what you want with it.

What is the worst that can happen,

it sounds to me that if you put the land up for sale then your brother and SIL will fall out with you- as they don't like change (there problem, not yours) and then when you get together as a family you can sit with your other siblings and enjoy the meal whilst your brother and SIL will talk to strangers and not you due to falling out with you and your mother will not be able to phone you to make sure your brother is alright and blame you if he is not as - you will not be sitting with your brother as he will have fallen out with you.

Sorry to say but I think the best thing for you, your dp and dc is if you fall out with this brother and then you will not need to take care of him, his feelings or be berated by your mother for not "looking" after him - so bite the bullet and sell the land and head for a new home for you and yours.

At the end of the day though only you can decide who comes first - your dc or your brother and stop trying to please everyone all of the time, it doesn't work and you only end up upsetting everyone all the time.

best wishes and I hope everything works out for you.

I can understand you don't want to deal with the longterm fallout because you've been living like this for 41 years - trying desperately to please everyone and clearly because fo your brother's mental health issues he has taken priority over you and other siblings. Your mother will always put him first and that has got to be painful for you but clearly it will never change. It seems to me that for some reason you are taking on the role of taking care of two families here - it is not your responsibility to try and keep your brother and sil happy or even your mother happy as much as you want to. Stand up for yourself and sell the land. Get a beautiful house away from your mother and brother and sil. Stop thinking/worrying about them and think only about yourself and your own immediate family. Your other siblings will back you up and you will not lose their love or respect. Sell the land now before your brother tries to take anymore off you which is probably why he wants you to keep it because he knows he can walk all over you and have your mother's support. Do what others have said. See a solicitor and do it fast, get the boundaries drawn up and sell sell sell. And have a happy life. I think at 41 it's YOUR time!!!!

goodness. as an outsider reading what you have posted, I have to say I wouldnt let my brother take a piece of my land.
Fall out with him? if he's taking your land, it sounds as though he has already fallen out with you. I am struggling to see what is the advantage of staying on "good" terms with him. Sell and tell him to grow up.

Well,don't know if anyone is interested in an update but this is the latest.

I have been talking to an EA with regard to getting the land valued and then hopefully to sell it. I asked my mother way back in June if she would have any objection to selling it and she said no.A few weeks later she was telling me how a friend of hers was 'just saying' how horrible it'd be to have strangers next door so I imagine this was my Mum's way of saying that she herself was thinking that.She often ascribes opinions to others that coincide with her own (unexpressed) feelings.

Anyway,I got in touch with an EA recently and he came out to look at the land and to give a price for it. That's as far as it got,I have not signed a contract with him nor agreed how much he would get paid for this.This morning my mother woke up to a 'For Sale' sign next door to her and since then,it's not been pretty.

Apparently my brother is 'disgusted' and I am almost sick with worry Family lore says that he always has a bit of a wobble around Christmas and if he does,well,I will be blamed for it forever

Our financial situation has not improved by any means since I last posted.We are now really struggling and dh's business has ground to a halt.Finding the rent money is really hard every month and only that I am now back at work myself,we would be worse off.My job will not continue after Christmas,however. It is also unlikely that we will be eligible for a mortgage in the current climate and the money from the sale of the land has taken on a greater significance now.

But I don't know how I can proceed,it is doubtful that anyone will believe that I did not know the EA would put up a sign without letting me know/asking me,I would've told them not to as I needed more time to get people used to the idea.I feel sick with worry this evening and I haven't heard from any of my family since early this morning.

Part of me thinks,well f*ck it,it's done and it's one way to let them all know my plans,but then I think of the storm that is probably brewing at this very moment.

Any thoughts on what I should do now? Am I being reasonable in continuing and risking angering(Is that even a word?) everyone? My mother is going to be mortified that all the neighbours will have seen the sign,that's if it is still standing.

Really I think you need to stop being your Mum, Brothers & SIL's punch bag.

You need to tell your family to go and fuck themselves. It is your land and your life, and if they are that bothered about the land, they can buy it at market value. Unfortunately (from the viewpoint of an outsider) your birth family have decided that you don't matter and that your brother is more important than you are: and their next trick will be to try to persuade you to give the land to your brother because otherwise he will scream until he's sick.
Your mother, brother etc are responsible for their own feelings. Uf they get angry, say to them, 'TOugh shit.' If they are actually dangerous (ie may physicially assault you or damage your property) get the police involved. These people have bullied you for longenough.

Well, no. Of course YANBU. It's your land to sell if you want or need to. But that's not the issue here, is it? It's whether you feel able to deal with the inevitable fall-out from your family. From an outsider's point of view, it seems they're being unreasonable. But you have to live with them (so to speak). It actually sounds like, financially, you have little choice but to sell, and part of the difficulty was telling them. But it appears the EA has, inadvertantly, done that for you! (although I'd read him the riot act for taking the liberty of putting up a board without your permission, and give the sale to someone else). And what's your mother's problem with the neighbours seeing the sign?
Can you try to ride out this storm until it blows over? No one is responsible for your brother's state of mind apart from himself. Rid yourself of this guilt! (easier said than done, I know).

I realy think you need to tell them to 'TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP'

Either they pay you what you have been told it's worth or but out, you can not put your family (you,dh and dc) on hold when this money will make your life easier.

Agree with solid.

Put your family first this time.

Agree with solid gold completely. You have to make the decisions that are right for you, your dh and your dcs. Your family sound hideous, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

You are not your brother's keeper. Just cause somebody has mental health issues doesn't mean they cannot also be manipulative and controlling.

You also need to take some responsibility here. Your family will not stop treating you like this - ever. So your choices are both tough. Either you put up with this - forever and ever amen. Or you stop consulting them and their wishes, and stop judging yourself by the standards they impose and do what is right for you and your family.

You do not need their permission to do this, nor will you ever get their approval or understanding for doing it (unless you do give the land to your brother which hardly serves your purpose).

I'm sorry that this ^^ seems hard but please don't let them run your life like this.

You need counselling to realise that your brothers hapiness does not rest on your shoulders and he is blackmailing you as is your mother.

Personally I would just not bother soeaking to them about it at all and just sell it - tell your dear fuckwit (sorry but he needs someone to give him a good shoeing in a dark alley IMHO) brother to put in a bid if it means so much to him.

YOUA ND YOUR FAMILY NEED THE MONEY TO GET YOUR LIVES STRAIGHT - they are your priority not some mixed up grown up who has a wofe to sort him out and obviously your mother to stand by him.

In my shoprt life I have learnt that you are responsible for your happiness and you shouldn't take shit off a fmaily member you wouldn't off a friend.

Stand up to them - tell them what you need to do and tell them thatcopme hell or high water you are doing it and they can like it or lump it!

It sounds like for your own well being you NEED to have some kind of falling out with your mother and brother and have done for a very long time. They are treating you very badly. You can't help it if they spitefully choose to blame your brother's next wobble on you needing to sell your land. See a solicitor, protect yourself and your family from them legally and sell up.

Your other sibling support you and in future you can relax and enjoy family gatherings.

I've had a scan of your posts only, and it sounds like you're allowing yourself to be bullied by your brother, and he has no idea he's doing it.
The most important thing is that you really really care about upsetting your Brother. I think you've thought about this such a lot it's become impossible for you to see the wood for the trees.
You need to call the estate agent at the first possible opportunity and demand that they remove the sigh immediately.
Call or write to your Mother and your Brother to tell them that you have been wanting to sell the plot of land for some time but have been really worried about telling them. You need the money badly and won't be able to refuse a good offer if one is made, but that you appreciate that now is psobably not the right time to be selling so they shouldn't get too worried because it will probably be on the market for ages. Tell your brother that if there is a sale, then of course you will transfer the piece of land around his home in to his name. (I really don't think it's worth keeping this 'up your sleeve', it just gives hime something else to worry about.
Tell them you are very sorry the estate agent sign went up before you had written to them, it was never the intention that this should happen, and you have asked for it to be removed.

After this, you have done everything you can and need tos top being so hard on yourself! You have your own family, they are your responsibility, not your brother.

I think I'd interpret the EA's sign as, well, a sign. It's done now. Mum & bro are upset.

Let them be upset.