Long distance expectations - figuring out what works for each person

[Celia24]

My boyfriend recently moved 3 hours away to another country in the UK. With everything that is happening we can't see each other for 3 weeks at which point we'll spend a weekend together on a short trip before he heads home again on the Sunday night

I suggested he comes Friday night by train so we're ready to set off Sat morning by car. He replied saying he is actually going to an event in the next city over in my country that day but 'I can cancel if you want'.

1. I'm not telling him what to do but I'd expect him to want to spend those 2 nights with me if he is in the country? And to not have to ask but expect him to just do that if he's here

2. How frequently would you expect to see a boyfriend 3 hours away?

Anyone?

I feel like, given that he has just chosen to move further away from you, he ought to be in a frame of mind where he is anxious to prove his love and commitment to you, for example by trying to maximise the time you do have together. If he is finding reasons to not do that, I would be thinking he is not properly committed to you. How long have you been together? I live around 3 hrs from DP and we both have teenage kids. We see each other every other weekend for 2 nights/days and as many extra days, holidays as possible. If we didn't have kids it would be probably closer to 2 weekends in 3.

Thanks @choixduroi I agree I expect maximum effort here and to give similar back

The plan was always the weekend together and now it makes sense for him to come on Friday night first.

For him to now say I have this event but I could cancel it baffles me a bit - we haven't seen each other for week, why the heck wouldn't he want to spend that extra evening with me just right off the bat?

I would just get clarity on what 'event' this is and how important is it, could you go with him to it? Then just see how the next few weekends together develop and see if he is stepping up, seems to be really keen to see you, misses you etc. I don't know your age but when I was younger I think I would forgive or excuse much more of that type of slightly indifferent behaviour, whereas now they have to be bloody keen or I just can't be doing with it. I would give him a chance, talk to him openly about the long distance and how you will both manage etc, and gauge his feelings from that. He should be keen though and show it in my opinion, or at least be able to express that he misses you and you are really important in his life.

Yes but it's also not fair for him not to be able to do anything on the weekends apart from seeing you?

Honestly I would have a serious think about where you think this relationship is going and do you have a future together. If you're more invested than he is it's not going to work long distance and it might be time to call it a day.

But @maw1681 we won't have seen each other for a month by the time we do see each other. If is in the country and an hour away I would expect him to at least stay overnight with me?

Of course I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do and not leave space for other things he wants to do

I think it can absolutely work if both are committed. Of course he can do other stuff on the weekends. However if you already haven't seen each other for a while due to life happening, and then even this weekend is somehow difficult for him and he is not prioritizing you, it calls into question the commitment.

Yes @choixduroi so re your original comment we talked about the long distance before he left.

He said he was committed and we agreed to alternate visits. He said he was really going to miss me and got upset when the time came to finally part.

He is already coming for the weekend which is great but I expect him to want to maximize our time together speaking for myself. So I'll say that

And obviously I don't want to be alone in wanting that ^

I'd say HJNTIY, no matter what he says.

I'm older but blokes who like me would suggest we attend work events together, or at least suggest we crash in his room at the event and enjoy the vibe and shag and room service...Same as friends have experienced.

(Incompatible in many ways, but when working late my ex-husband would insist on using the cab to circle home, pick me up, and get food TOGETHER so he could pay for our night out on law firm/client expenses/account. Even if just a takeaway in Soho).

Now, I couldn't think of anything worse than rolling out of bed post-shag and meeting someone's coworkers early on ("Sorry I don't know his surname...I'm here with Dave from Tinder?!") but the offer is normally there.

The offer to "cancel if you want" sounds passive-aggressive and difficult.

I'd say some women might be fairly brusque themselves or more aligned to him and not mind - you clearly are.

Don't forget it always comes down to how they make you feel, and your feelings aren't wrong.

You don't need to have a list of the logical pros and cons and what he's said - it should just feel comfortable and easy and like he's a safe space.

Hey @choixduroi and @PufferBees

So I actually ended up saying what I said here essentially, that given the time apart I'd hope to maximise the time together - he immediately said it was important to him that we do this too and said he would meet me directly after the event and stay with me on Friday, as I suggested. We will then go on our weekend break the next day.

His work field is very dry and he's never invited me to work events. I've never invited him to mine either to be honest, I suppose I'd view it as dragging him to something dull unless it was a proper dinner event or something.

He does feel like a safe cast majority of the time. But he is also German and can be quite direct or 'brusque' as you put it, in a way I'm not used to.

I did long distance for years with my now husband. We both lived in different countries. At first it was a long weekend every two months which eventually became two/3 weeks apart. A lot of phone calls/ texts/ emails/ FaceTime. It meant getting up at 4:30am on Monday mornings for me to fly back to work that same morning when I visited and he did similar. But we were both of the same opinion if you want it to work, you make it work. The week/weekends in between were for events/going out with friends but our time together was sacred.

Meant to finis by saying, that if he is in the same country, then I would expect at least every weekend or at least every second weekend together. I guess it depends on how committed to the relationship each person is.

Hi @Miri13 I agree exactly - if you want it to work, you make it work. You both were obviously dedicated.

I said I believed both people need to be all in or it won't work. Because we're in different countries I think I want every second weekend.

There are some months where this may vary like when he is travelling for work, but for the most part this is what I expect and want. He also said I could work from his new house a while ago (I can work remotely 4/5 days) but hasn't extended the invitation yet. He has just moved so I'll give him a minute!

I now realize we started this conversation but didn't talk about all the logistics...

@Celia24 my DP is also German. One of the upsides is that he is direct and can take it on the chin if I'm direct as well. I find that hinting or being subtle does not get the message across. It's doing them a favour to try to be more direct. I've also been in Germany /dating Germans long enough to know that, if he's something like an engineer or whatever, he will take his time solidly planning stuff and then will do it, and won't be easy to rush. They will not start one project before the last one is finished. However I would be expecting to see a solid build up of commitment too, which it sounds like he is willing to do. It seems like a good sign that he said he was committed - again according to my relatively extensive experience of Germans, they don't tend to say things they don't mean as much as British people do. If he is quite committed he should be really happy to have you at his new place, asking for suggestions on how to decorate etc, making you feel like it might possibly be your home at some point...

I mean honestly? When I met my husband we lived 3 hours apart. We saw each other every weekend pretty much and all annual leave

Not another problem with this bf?! Why has he moved away? I honestly don't think with the amount of issues you've had with him, that he's the one for you

I mean - it can work - I did that for two years but we living in different continents, 14 hours apart and saw each other every few months…

Perhaps it was as simple as he didn't want to invite himself to stay, or thought it'd be rude to say that he's going to do his own thing Friday evening, but can he come back to your place afterwards.

Fair enough @Fedupdoc I wouldn't want to meet every single weekend. My friends and family are important to me as well, and have different hobbies I like to do.

About twice a month feels right so I'm going to suggest that. If I feel like he's not fussed then I can reassess.

@Desmodici I think this might have been the case. I also think he's trying to keep up his connections with his recent colleagues/friends in this country since moving recently

@Poddledoddle an amazing job opportunity came up that he has been working towards for years before we met. But he has said he will continue to look out for similar roles back in my country so he can move back here. We will see.

Awe. Sorry but sounds like he’s done with the relationship and you’re holding out hope.

if he isn’t stoked for the weekend he’s done. It’s been three months!!

he’s not that far away. Ever other weekend and a random Wednesday is reasonable if you want to make it work.

but overall, cut your losses. It’s great he found a good job, you can start back n up if you both want IF he finds another job. Go. Enjoy being single. You’re not married? No kids? House? Etc? Then just move on. He’s not that into you.

so yeah. I live 9 hours from my parents and see them more often than once in three months. And I feel bad making ANY other plans.

edit:

sorry I read three months not weeks (phew, three months and he hasn’t bothered was really unreasonable!). But it’s still only three hours. You can alternate and catch each other once a week for an evening at least.

and I’d still keep talking and watching for signs of it ending. I mean are you going to move to him? What’s the reality of him moving back? Where is this going? Is it worth the effort?