He handed me something to clean. Am I being too sensitive?

[kissthefish]

I work in Education, in a (sort of) unit in a secondary school. For a while, I've been feeling a bit demotivated and undervalued at work. I'm the least senior in a small, close knit team of three. There's the leader of the unit (male), and my female colleague and I. The kids are great and I have a fantastic rapport with them.
I get on extremely well with my colleagues, the female in particular. However a couple of low level things have bothered me about the male, the head of the unit. He is such a lovely guy but there's occasionally a subtle sexism to him. He'd be mortified to see I thought that. And I can't figure out if I'm being unreasonable.
He'll never wash up the kids' dishes. Not once. Unfortunately we can't ask the kids to do it, as we don't have a sink and must take the dishes to another room - where the they aren't allowed to go - to be washed. I know he's busy but it does smack of 'leaving it to the women'.
Today, I made hot chocolate for one of our boys. He added extra milk and the cup overflowed a bit. In the absence of a sink, the lad (very sensibly!) emptied some of the drink into a plastic basin.
This befuddled my boss a bit, and he walked over to me with the basin and said 'kissthefish, would you mind taking this and cleaning it out'. He also asked me to take the boy, until I reminded him that I couldn't.

I don't know. It just made me feel a bit shit. It would have taken him two seconds to go to the kitchen and do it himself.

I've also observed some slight differences in how he treats the boys and girls in our unit. He's much more likely to get involved with the boys, to take them out for a walk or play a game with them. To be fair, they can be more challenging. The quieter girls, he'll leave more to my female colleague and I.

Am I being ridiculous or was the basin thing not ok?

No, but without knowing what each person's job it you can't know it's not appropriate.
If I was managa pub and I asked a pot washer to wash a glass that would be perfectly reasonable...that's what they are there for.

It's hard to judge as he is more senior than you. I can do all the tasks my staff can do but most of the time i delegate because the chain of command has to be clear to make sure the team runs well and everyone understands how they fit within it. As a manager if you only take the collegiate approach to management you run into the danger of more junior members of staff becoming disenfranchised because they start to think they are paid less to do exactly the same job. In your case it could be that or he could be a sexist twat.

YABU. He’s the boss, so you should be doing the more menial tasks. Sex is irrelevant.

I think there's some really old fashioned views on management or leadership on this thread. A good lead would have whipped it away and cleaned it so you could continue with your activity with the boy, at least I suspect a female lead would have done. It's important to role model good values to teenage boys AND girls. Whether he did it because he's the boss or not, that boy saw a man just hand over a cleaning task to a woman.
I wouldnt like that either OP. Let me tell you, the most productive, cohesive teams are the ones where everyone mucks in. A wise man once told me, never ask someone to do a job you aren't prepared to do or capable of doing yourself. You end up been regarded as an incompetent fool no matter how clever you are.
You've said yourself OP that he's smart but clueless 🤷‍♀️

I think this too.

This, and you'd just made the hot chocolate that made the mess. Would someone have needed to stay and supervise the child with the hot drink and as senior he was doing this?

I think this sounds like a seniority thing rather than a sexism thing to be honest. It’s the same in almost all work environments, the managers/supervisors/more senior staff members delegate to their support staff, in this case you. It’s not a case of “well my husband would never behave like this” because the reality is that managers/supervisors everywhere DO behave like this, the scenario is just different depending on your work environment, but all managers/supervisors delegate jobs to their supporting staff because that is the point of employing those staff.

When he next comes at you with something that needs 'sorting', quickly say, Do you need me to watch your group while you wash that?

I agree with PP's point that it's difficult to unpick seniority from sexism.

I have a child in a similar sort of situation. Individual relationships students have with staff are important and they probably align more often along gender lines than strictly 50/50, but nevertheless surely it's every adult's job to build a positive relationship with each child. This can't be delegated. That said these things are multifactorial. Is it possible (not as the only reason, but one of them) that the girls actually prefer you and your female colleague too? Some level of this is absolutely fine, as long as the students are not missing out. And for these girls you may be a better and more therapeutic fit than your boss is. I'm not saying you're wrong to blame sexism, but do also give weight to the value you give to them.

If you want to do something about it, rather than complaining about his behaviour, how about suggesting that as a team you make an effort to ensure you are modelling no hint of gender bias for the students. It's a powerful thing for boys as well as girls to have role models like that, and maybe they won't all be getting it at home. It's SEMH learning. Not what people think privately - sexists don't think they are sexist - but what the students see physically happening around them. Something it is all the more important for you all to model carefully given the boss is a bloke, and whether it was meant as gender bias or not students could see only the women doing the washing up and conclude that only women should wash up. Similarly maybe you could suggest sometimes mixing it up a bit with the students so you all work with the students you have the least strong connection with.

Because if your boss asks you to do it, don’t you just do it?

I agree with this.

I agree with this. I think it's a huge over reaction to such a minor issue.

I agree with this.

If it was me, I would have dealt with it myself if I was the most senior, but it is up to him if he delegates it or not.

I think you are looking for issues where there are none.

I doubt being passive aggressive and petty will really help. If the op is really that bothered she could suggest putting a washing up bowl in the room

The ethos in my work is that if someone more junior (and therefore cheaper) than you can do the job 80% as well as you can, then they should do it. And the senior person should coach the last 20%.

Therefore if you could clean the bowl at least 80% as well as he could, it should be delegated to you.

I assume you’re capable of doing it 100% as well as he could, and it happened as much on your watch as his (although more on yours if you made the drink), so seems perfectly reasonable to ask you.

It is sometimes hard to disentangle rank and sexism when men are more commonly senior. And as a senior female I’m glad it’s something I don’t have to navigate or worry about (because I obviously don’t delegate because it’s women’s work that’s below me, just because it’s junior work that’s below me 😂)

Is this not as he is the most senior rather than as you’re a woman?

As with others I don't think you can say whether it's sexism or seniority. If the colleage at the same level as you was male but it was always you expected to do the washing up, then that's clear cut. Here it isn't, none of the examples you've given are.

If you like your work and your colleagues you have to let this go, because you can never be sure what's going on.

How do you know there are none? OP says she has issues with sexism from her boss. This case may not be a good example, but she clearly feels there are others.

I don't understand.

Boss / manager / supervisor / unit leader

Subordinate

Sexes make no difference.
If a boss asks a subordinate to do a task, thats just how work works isn't it?

My first thought was it's down to seniority. Are there any other examples that relate to the fact your a woman rather than the more junior employee?

Meh, I think you’re being sensitive. Hierachy sounds like it’s come into play a bit, which is just one of those things and the fact that he’s male is actually irrelevant. With the boys/girls thing maybe he reads MN too much and assumes he’ll get accused of all sorts if he interacts with them.

Not if they are being cheeky, sexist or unreasonable, no. Boss =/= dictator.

If he had been a she and asked you to do the same would it have bothered you?

I think there is sexism inherent in the boys being described as more challenging, and your male colleague appearing superior by working with these boys. I suspect that rather they present different challenges. Is your work with girls as highly regarded, or seem as easier and therefore inferior?

I wonder if deep down you sense that his skill set is not vastly superior to yours, and so are getting irritated by being given the menial tasks by someone you don't view as particularly overqualified to get stuck in?