Did I over react

[Angie657]

Hello wonderful mumsnetters☺️

So bit of a back story, I’m a single mummy, been single maybe 3+ years. After my break up with my child’s father I really just threw myself into work and making a career for myself, I left my home with my ex with nothing, I just needed out. I bought a home for me and my son, it’s not the Ritz, but it’s my own, I bought a little run around and done wee things to the house to make it abit more homely. I haven’t really dated or anything this last few years, I know myself I lack confidence and I have this awful mentality that no one will want me because of my situation, so I just go to work, see my friends and keep myself to myself.

I am getting to the stage where I would like to have someone to spend time with when my child is with their father. Recently a man I had known for a few years, through being out and about and more recently through work, had contacted me and said he would like to maybe take me out. Unexpected, but I was delighted, he is good looking, we have similar interests and he is lovely. I expressed my concerns about my child etc and he told me I was being silly, so I felt like I was really onto something and started to feel a little excited that maybe he would want to take me on a date.

So we begin messaging every day, chatting etc, just the usual, I’m a busy mummy, and I’m also very laid back, but he had asked me what days and times I was available, so again I was getting all excited. Wee keep in touch and he has a few weekends away booked for family things, weekends with the boys, they come and go and he still hasn’t asked to see me. One thing about me is, I over think everything, and if I’ve had a busy week or haven’t had much sleep, my wee head is in overdrive and he had been messaging me one Friday evening and asking had I any plans etc, I said no nothing planned, he said maybe we could catch up. That was Friday night, I never heard from him since. So I took complete head staggers and just deleted him off social media, everything. I know I’m a compete drama queen, but I feel like I was wasting my energy messaging this man when he seemed to be taking the piss in my eyes.

He has sent me a text message tonight asking has he done something, obviously he’s noticed that I’ve removed him from social media. So my question is AIBU for doing this, I know it’s silly, but like I said, I over think and I just took head staggers. I deep down liked this boy and I felt like he was taking the piss. And also do I reply, and what do I say?

Keep it simple and true to what happened - that you were messaging back and forth and then it just stopped and that was it.
Don't say any more. If he wants to pick up on that and move forward he will. If he doesn't he's either gormless or it's just online noncommital playing about that doesn't progress to real life. Leave him to it and his pub. Maybe the pub lured him away that weekend.
If you happen to see him in person at work or wherever you can have a natural conversation and go for a casual lunch or drink.

He’s messing you about.

I’ve come across this a few times, he likes to keep you on the hook and interested as an ego boost but he’s not interested in taking it further.

I worked with just men for years and I’d hear them talk about stringing women along like this, the minute you aren’t interested though they will chase after you.

I was in a similar situation years ago, I’d make it clear I was free and wanted to meet up and I’d get an enthusiastic response, I’d suggest a date or time and he’d say he was busy or not reply for ages, he was usually in the pub or out somewhere when he did.
I met my DP and lost interest and suddenly this man was asking me on a proper date and making an effort! He even bought me a voucher for a spa hotel and posted it to me. I took my DP and was honest and said I’d bet someone else whilst I was being messed around.

It’s either that or he’s very shy and waiting for you to ask him. My best friend was in a dance like this with her husband for 2 years before they finally went out. She was a single parent and not that bothered really, she just went along with the messages. When she finally got bored and sick of never meeting in person she did the same as you and just deleted him off social media and stopped responding to messages. He finally asked her out and they were married after 8 months! He insisted he was scared of rejection and too scared to ask directly about meeting up.

Either way it’s not good for your self esteem to be waiting for a man to make the move when you have made it clear you are interested. If you hadn’t been openly dropping hints I might say differently but it’s clear he knows you like him.
You could just ask directly and then you’ll at least know one way or another?

I’m sure you will meet someone better who will let you know where you stand and jump at the chance to spend time with you, you definitely deserve not to be messed about like this. If you think it’s worth persevering with then give him one more chance, if he doesn’t take it then it’s his problem.

Have you said you’d like to see him, would he like to do something today? Because ‘I might go for icecream’ is not saying I’d like to see you, it’s saying I probably have plans. Ditto all your other ‘hints’ I’d think if she wanted to see me she’d have said something so I guess she doesn’t!

Yes OP it makes it sound like you already had a plan to do something. It sounds like your way of messaging is making him think you’re not interested.

Nah, he’s hard work. Reading through the posts - you even asked where / what time and he didn’t reply.

that is enough for me- it’s a nope.

game playing at all is exhausting.

but also- sounds like you’re cutting yourself down a fair bit, and making yourself a little subservient, and I do not think that’s a healthy thing to do to yourself- start a relationship off by feeling like, and communicating that, he’s doing you some kind of favor by taking notice of you.

therapy and work on your self esteem would be a much better use of this time than dating … I say this because I have been there, and that kind of fawning only leads to relationships with men who feel they can put you down.

Eh, if he wanted to, he would. I think this man is probably just a waste of your time and energy. He’s just a bloke, don’t feel you’re ‘lucky’ to have been shown a bit of attention, you bring a lot to the table too.
I have to admit, I did have a little chuckle at you repeatedly saying you’re laidback… you sure about that?? 😂 nothing wrong with that, but I’m not sure I’d 100% agree.

Mummy? My wee head?
Strange ways to refer to yourself

Stop hinting and arrange something

It’s common in N Ireland for adults to still refer to their own parents as Mummy and Daddy. And everything is wee regardless of size, they are colloquialisms. Don’t be such a snob.
Sounds like he’s messing you about OP, he has a quare nerve!

He's wasting your time op. I'd block him And move on. He's breadcrumbing you , dropping you little bits so that you'll hang around but never following through, he probably likes the ego boost knowing you are interested.

You’ve responded like a teenager tbh. You have to be more robust if you’re going to try the dating scene. It is brutal.

blocking on social media rather than just calling out his mixed signals is really childish. Why didn’t you just say ‘hey are we meeting or not?’

What if he's thinking the same?

I know these things can be hard, especially when you have DC to think about, I'm sorry. I think his message noticing the blocking is an opportunity for you to set out your cards, without necessarily go into the ins and outs of social media blocking.

"Hey XXX I wanted to speak to you actually. We keep talking about plans to meet and never get round to it. Was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner at this new restaurant in town this Saturday?"

I think lying about doing a social media cull etc is missing the opportunity.

He either says great and you have a date and get a sense of whether you want this to develop or not. He says no but offers an alternative time, no problem, time to get the diaries out to find a date there and then. Or he says no/doesn't respond in which case, you know where you stand.

Good luck

What is your gut telling you OP. Is he a time waster or is it just miscommunication. Pretty bold of him to contact you once you'd deleted him. So he's either keen or enjoying the game. I would just say you got the impression he wasn't interested in meeting up,maybe you got that wrong. Shall we meet......
If he continues to faff around and be vague, I wouldn't follow it up as its too much like hard work.

@Biomic

Laughing at your response to the other post😂 but yes you explained that perfectly, thank you.

Just go watch "he's not that in to you" and it will answer all your questions but no - I'd not give this guy more of a chance.

@Doingmybest12

So at the beginning when he first started messaging I thought he was 100%, he’s a year older than me and I thought yeah maybe he is on the same page as me. Wee had the what are you looking for chat and we seemed to be on the same page, but the way he is carrying on is the opposite of what he said he wanted. So I’m just not entirely sure if he’s ready for what I want. But then why keep messaging and why show interest in what I’m doing day to day.

@Muffin101

I think my idea of laidback when it comes to dating etc is maybe different to everyone else’s. I’m not asking for fancy dates or for him to be at my door 8pm sharp, I don’t need him to be constantly messaging me etc, if he only said listen I’ll lift you or meet you here between 8/8:30 and we can grab a coffee or go for a dander, I’d be happy enough.

@Newnamehiwhodis

Yes I agree, I have made it more than clear that I am interested, even telling him to the very days and times I am available. It is exhausting because for so long I haven’t bothered with anyone, either because I wasn’t interested in them or because I knew they had this player mentality and I’m not going to but myself through that. I just thought because he knew me and knew my background he wouldn’t entertain me because he knows I wouldn’t be just looking to casually date.

You are right though, my self esteem is still quite low, it’s gotten better over the last year or so, but I still have a long way to go.

Yes, I can see that you may call your parents mummy and daddy, but to refer to yourself as 'mummy' and having a wee head shake...

After reading your op I thought you had overreacted because it sounded as if he suggested catching up and you didn't reply.

But after your updates I think YANBU. You have made it clear you would like to meet and he is either extremely dense or messing you about. Well done for deleting him. I'm surprised he got in touch after that but you can ignore or tell him you got tired of waiting to meet.

@VestibuleVirgin

clearly not from here so you don’t understand the lingo, that’s fine, but I didn’t ask for your opinion on what references I make, that’s not what the post was about☺️

OMG so glad you said this and ‘maybe going for ice cream’!
the term ‘wee’ referring to OPs self and then the same again when referring to the both of them!

appreciate its a dialect thing but it’s obvious from your posts and the ‘lingo’ used that there is very little self confidence there!

Stop faffing about and ask him is he free on Saturday to meet up. If he says no then ask when is he free. Stop hinting! No more hints! If you talk straight you'll know faster whether he's a waste of your time and can move on.

It's not necessarily that he's a bad person. A different woman in a different situation might be happy with flirtation only. You might just be incompatible with him.

But yeah, a skim read of your posts suggests he's not that into you and is maybe stringing you along a bit. I couldn't be bothered with it and would probably just block and move on unless he swiftly showed very serious interest.