To stop her going

[christologymum]

So I've had a few concerns for a while about my Ex's new girlfriend's son.

He introduced kids far too quickly to his new girlfriend and her son but that's by the by.

When they first started dating my youngest whose 8 often came home saying that her son had pushed her down the stairs and a few other bits of stuff that concerned me. He seemed obsessed with her and would call txt her all the time. He's 6 years older and it all felt very odd. He has asd/adhd.

I raised it at the time but it fell on deaf ears. I put a stop to the calls due to his incessant swearing. And was sick of hearing it.

The last few times she has gone beforehand she said she didn't want to but changed her mind at the last minute and went. He knows that she was hesitant to go because of her son, but still doesn't seem to prioritise his own children, the older 2 have both commented that he takes her sons side in everything.

Anyway fast forward to today picked her up from school to be taken to one side by the teacher to say the children had been talking about mummy and daddy time and asking what it was and my daughter says it's when mummy's suck daddy's cock. Obviously school have questioned her about where she heard that and she said her son, they've checked he's not touched her or shown her inappropriate videos or photos and she says no.

I've spoke to her tonight and checked she is okay. She knows I'm not angry with her. She also has asd and doesn't understand, she is just repeating what she has heard. But I have serious concerns about my ex being able to safeguard her from this boy.

I've messaged him but no response yet which isn't unusual as he never responds when he's with her (he's petrified of her, and she can't stand him communicating with me, he's not even allowed in house when he collects kids)

Would it be unreasonable to say that she only goes on the weekends when her son is at his dad's? He won't want that as means they will never have a child free weekend or she doesn't go?

Is that overkill? I'm just not confident at all that he can safeguard her

I've told him her needs to call school and explain and confirm how he is doing to deal with it but I know he won't

I’d also ask school what the advise and if need be get SS involved.

Protect your daughter at all costs

I would not be letting her go with the other child around under any circumstances.

He's 14, she's 8. Protect your daughter.

As above.

If you did get your ex to agree to this, how could you trust the son wouldn't actually be there?

I would want further investigation into this. I would contact SS myself.

I would get SS involved, but why has your 8 year old daughter got a phone?

Please put your child first and as the only responsible parent in her life do not allow her in gf child's company ever again. You cannot seriously think this is a risk worth taking. Get SS involved and totally agree she must never be in the home at same time as the gf child.

Huge red flags here. I'd definitely involve social services. I work in safeguarding and this is an incredibly delicate and risky situation that needs professionals that can help protect your daughter.

Is contact court ordered?

Either way, not a chance in hell I’d be letting her go there. This is a hugely serious safeguarding incident and your ex has shown he can’t be trusted to prioritise or protect her. You can’t say she’ll go when the boy is seeing his dad, you can’t trust a thing your ex says.

How worrying and awful. I’m so sorry.

Thanks

No it's not court ordered just an informal arrangement

I was just checking I wasn't over reacting in my thoughts

I will speak to school again tomorrow and ring social services

She doesn't have a phone but she can call some people from her iPad

She only has 2/3 known people in there that I check and monitor. Hence her not talking to him anymore as I didn't like the conversations, mainly him swearing

This sounds like trouble waiting. Stop all contact, go big with this. Your ex needs to know this is serious stuff. Do not send her there, get SS involved, get school involved too.

That’s great it’s informal. Definitely speak to school in the morning, ring social services and possibly NSPCC. Your instincts are absolutely right and not an overreaction at all. You’re doing the right thing by protecting your litter girl. She’s only got you looking out for her! Her dad is pathetic. I wonder if he’ll even fight you on contact given how much he’s prioritised his DP’s son so far. So upsetting for you and DD.

No way would I be letting her go.

Nope I’d be stopping her going and would be speaking to social services, the 14 year old is showing signs of sexually harmful behaviour and needs support to change that and protection out in place for other children he might come into contact with. Might also be worth speaking to someone at The Lucy Faithful Foundation - they have a lot of experience in supporting families in this type of situation.

First and foremost though you’re right to protect your daughter.

I definitely think you need to stop the contact until you've got to the bottom of this.

Obviously school have questioned her about where she heard that and she said her son, they've checked he's not touched her or shown her inappropriate videos or photos and she says no.

I’d also keep a wary eye on this. Teachers are really limited in how far they can really explore this stuff with kids, and if he’s speaking so freely to her in a sexual way there may be other ways he’s pushed boundaries that she can’t recognise or articulate.

Thanks everyone this is super helpful and I'll def be following up appropriately.

She won't be going again, as like people have said he can't be trusted even if he told me he wouldn't be there.

He's marrying her next year and it's so sad that he doesn't see this and cares more about her, the kids feel so pushed out and he knows this. He told them they are his priority and if they don't want it he won't marry her, but his actions say the opposite

He's going to look back and realise he's lost his kids and only has himself to blame (although he will def try and blame me)