To think this is a pretty hopeless situation?

[WhenSunnyGetsBlue]

I have a 3-month-old baby. The father (a lecturer) sexually abused me whilst I was at university. He hasn't even acknowledged the birth of his daughter. It is very unlikely that I will receive any child maintenance. I left everything behind whilst pregnant and moved in with my father. (First time living with family since I left home at 18 - ten years ago). He has been incredibly supportive -without him I would most like to be in a DV shelter as I can't afford housing. I am receiving Maternity Allowance and child benefit, which is £700 a month. That is for rent, bills, food nappies, everything. I have worked my whole life (ex-military). I hate being financially dependent on someone else.

AIBU to think this is a hopeless situation? I want to go back to work but my baby is still so little - she needs me. At the moment I barely have time to shower! What would you do? Looking for honest advice.

I would absolutely go to the CSA - what have you got to lose?

Have you contacted SSAFA? They look after service & ex-service personnel. Worth a shot, they may be able to help & advise.

All the best.

Put in a csa claim. It will get easier

Your baby is still so tiny and dependent on you, it's hard to imagine things being any different. But in a few months, you'll be able to start thinking about looking for a job and leaving her at nursery. Try not to worry about it now though.

Why do you think you won't get maintenance?

Good luck OP. I hope there are good things in your future.

claim through the CSA, obviously. And start to think about long term career plans - you could be doing online training now, and gaining further qualifications- look free courses on openlearn and future learn to start with

Cms. Why wouldn't you?

It's a horrible but temporary situation.

I don't know the ins and outs of universal credit but would guess that at the end of the maternity allowance period you would be eligible to claim universal credit for yourself and your child. I believe you are expected to look for work from when your DC turns 3 but not before that.

If you did find work then you may be able to claim childcare costs and soon 15hrs a week funded childcare hours from 9months old will be available.

You should claim Child Support from your ex via CMS as he is responsible for paying towards his child. You should also look into what options are available for getting added to the council housing list. I would guess you wouldn't be high priority on the list because you do have a place to live with your dad but it's worth looking into anyway and seeing what options are available.

Just apply for the maintenance

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Why do you think you wouldn't get child maintenance? You should definitely put in a claim if you haven't already. Also have you applied for universal credit and ensured you're getting everything you're entitled to?

Having a young baby is hard even without such tough circumstances so go easy on yourself. This isn't hopeless, you've overcome a lot to get to this point and you can absolutely get back on your feet and get a job, housing etc. But you've got a tiny baby and that's a lot to focus on already, if you're able to keep living in a supportive set up with your dad then continue this and focus on the bigger picture once you've settled into motherhood a bit more.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't go to CSA. If you pursue him for maintenance he might decide to go for shared custody as revenge, and you are clearly better off with this man completely out of the picture. While he should pay from a moral point of view, he should not have sexually abused you, so we already know that he has no morals. I would avoid anything that kept him in my life in any way.

Your baby is still very young. In a few years they will be starting preschool. You can get extra hours of preschool if you're working a certain number of hours. In the meantime you could be doing work and/or training online. Try to keep something ticking over while you're stuck in the baby stage. It will get easier. It feels like forever when you're in the middle of it, but they're only this small and helpless for a short amount of time really.

I would also not push for maintenance from this man. I doubt he'd contribute fairly and I'd rather be completely free of him and the stress that contact would bring.

I agree with PPs - your baby is tiny now but it passes so quickly and soon they will be crawling, walking and talking. Then you can look at nursery/childminder/preschool and getting back into work.

You sound smart and resilient. You're at the overwhelming baby stage, even without the particularly difficult circumstances you've had, but it's not a hopeless situation at all.

Wow, thank you so much for all the responses! You've all made me feel a lot better!

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine hit the nail on the head. The father has loads of money (think several hundred thousand). I know that if I go to the CSA he will take me to court for shared custody (so that he pays less & for control). He is a sexual predator (a long history of it) and there is no way I would take that risk. My daughter is more valuable than his money. Spoke to a solicitor and they basically told me if he went to court, he'd get visitation as a minimum, most likely school holidays) That puts the ball in my court, to figure out how to earn 2 salaries, retrain, pay off student debt (I still had one year left of my degree) and support my daughter.

I received a £500 grant from a military charity which helped me to get things for the baby (cot nappies clothes etc.). I've also picked up some lovely outfits on vinted for a few pounds. She is clean and well-dressed and has somewhere warm and safe to live. So in that sense things are going well.

@OmuraWhale I think you are right. Things will be different in a few months for sure, I just want to try and make sure it is for better and not worse! When she is just 3 months old, it is impossible to even contemplate leaving her.

Also, I am not eligible for universal credit atm, because I receive maternity allowance which is pound for pound.

I would go to the CSA. He made the baby, so he should support her. I dont know what sort of half-arsed solicitor would be talking about school holiday visiting arrangements for a 3 month old baby - but that is YEARS down the line. He is really unlikely to go for joint residence because then he'd have to take care of her.

You don't have to start paying back your student loans until you start earning. Is it unfeasible to finish your degree at a different uni? If you've worked so hard for it, it would be a shame to throw it away.

@PonyPatter44 I plan to finish my degree with the open university. But I'm not eligible for any student finance so would have to save up again. I don't mind putting it on hold for a while, I will get it finished eventually but at the moment my kids the priority.

The solicitor wasn't great, it was a free consultation so I reckon she was just speaking general terms. I'd leave the country before anyone took my 3 month old breast fed daughter off me!!