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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Maybe it is my fault but not in the way she said

16 replies

CharlieRight · 23/05/2024 18:04

DS5 doesn’t much like kindergarten and recently has been very reluctant to go, he cried every morning this week (I thought it was because we kept him home on Monday because of illness and he wanted more of the same). Bath time tonight DW saw a bruise on rear shoulder and bite mark on front of his shoulder. I was called in to take pictures. Afterwards I could hear DW using quite an aggressive tone to tell DS he should hit back at anyone who hurts him. I went in and told him that he hadn’t done anything wrong and that we were going to make sure it wouldn’t happen again, he asked me to take over bath time and DW went out to contact teacher. A little I asked what the teacher said. After DS bedtime I got a load of abuse saying that it was my fault that he is so soft because I am not hard enough on him, I said that I disagree and that it was more likely that her temper caused him to lack confidence. A few weeks ago he banged his head on the dining table whilst looking for a piece of Lego and received an almighty bollocking from his mother. I find it very hard to walk the line between being a supportive member of team parent and a supportive father. I think that I am not being too soft on my DS but rather not intervening on his behalf enough.
I basically tried to get all of this off my chest to DW about half an hour ago and she would not listen or even engage. I’m writing this from the spare room.

I’ve been on here for a few months reading and commenting. The reason I joined was to get advice on stuff like this but I always stopped myself from posting. But I am really worried about my family now.

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 23/05/2024 18:09

How did DW manage to contact the teacher after bath time?
How old is DS?

CharlieRight · 23/05/2024 18:11

He is 5,
she used WeChat (we are in China)
DW is Chinese and I am British

OP posts:
VestPantsandSocks · 23/05/2024 18:13

Is she generally affectionate to your son?

Rookangaroo4 · 23/05/2024 18:13

I’m not the UK as you used Kindergarten? How old is he? Regardless you definitely need an open chat about this and to get to the bottom of what’s happening when he’s there.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/05/2024 18:13

Your wife is a bully. If my child came home bruised and bitten I'd be furioys with whoever did it. I wouldn't be blaming the victim.

IncognitoUsername · 23/05/2024 18:14

CharlieRight · 23/05/2024 18:11

He is 5,
she used WeChat (we are in China)
DW is Chinese and I am British

Maybe this is a cultural issue then.
Shouting at your son you hitting his head isn’t what I would expect but what were her reasons for making it his fault?

CharlieRight · 23/05/2024 18:19

IncognitoUsername · 23/05/2024 18:14

Maybe this is a cultural issue then.
Shouting at your son you hitting his head isn’t what I would expect but what were her reasons for making it his fault?

I don’t know, I don’t think it’s cultural. DS being clumsy or tired or slow just seems to trigger her

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 23/05/2024 18:22

CharlieRight · 23/05/2024 18:11

He is 5,
she used WeChat (we are in China)
DW is Chinese and I am British

I think there is probably quite a cultural gulf between you and your wife in terms of what's considered the norm for bringing up children.

I've been told by a couple of Chinese friends/colleagues that parenting is more strict in China, and that their own parents constantly tell them they mollycoddle their kids too much and turn them into wimps.

Marblessolveeverything · 23/05/2024 18:23

Protect your son. Step in let him see your his ally. You need to discuss this with your wife, blaming a child for a misstep or telling him he should fight back.

Scottishskifun · 23/05/2024 18:25

Your wife sounds like she needs therapy and is a bully also sounds like she is doing it to you too.

You don't make a child more resilient by being horrible to them for no reason.

Deadringer · 23/05/2024 18:26

I don't really have advice re this situation but i just want to say op don't doubt yourself, you absolutely are not the problem here, your poor little boy is being hurt in school and he needs support, not berating. Dont get me wrong they are small children and stuff like this happens, thats why children have parents to love, protect and support them no matter what. It sounds like your dw might have an anger problem, she certainly has no patience.

TiredHippo · 23/05/2024 18:58

So your wife bollocked you son for accidently injuring himself. If I were you, I'd get the first flight out of China, with your son, and she needs some serious help!!!!!

CharlieRight · 24/05/2024 03:18

@Deadringer thank you for that.

Last night I told him that mummy and daddy would make sure it stopped and this morning we both took him to kindergarten today and spoke to the teacher. Things were a lot calmer. But I know I have to find a way to solve these blame and anger issues before any more harm is done

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 24/05/2024 04:53

@CharlieRight I can see your point completely but I also echo comments about cultural norms and differences.

Might I suggest you look for groups (Facebook?) for Chinese/other relationships and see what other comments are?

One resource might be https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiger_parenting and I am sure there are others to provide a bit of insight. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/multicultural_families might be a better board for posting. Also https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/living_overseas. AIBU is very popular but not always nuanced.

I wish you luck.

Tiger parenting - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiger_parenting

TomeTome · 24/05/2024 05:07

I think there is a massive cultural divide that needs addressing. Is your son at a Chinese or international school? Which culture/country do you intend to live in long term? We’re both of you educated in the far east or is one of you local (I appreciate DW is Chinese but are you living in her home town or are you both away from home)?

BeatrizViter · 24/05/2024 05:33

There definitely are cultural difference in how harsh punishment is perceived in China- see 'hitting and cursing' education mentioned here https://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/10/world/asia/china-corporal-punishment-education-discipline.html

This is not at all to say it is acceptable or that you shouldn't protect your son, but this is very likely normalised for your wife as she experienced it growing up, we tend to repeat patterns of behaviour from our own childhood. Talk to her about it, show her evidence about the harm it causes, get her to reflect how she was brought up- is she cloae to her parents? If not, why?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5339439/

Child Negative Emotionality and Parental Harsh Discipline in Chinese Preschoolers: The Different Mediating Roles of Maternal and Paternal Anxiety

Previous research has suggested that harsh discipline is still prevalent in modern Chinese families and it is necessary to explore the cause and the potential mechanisms of Chinese parental use of harsh discipline. This study examined the mediating eff...

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5339439

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