Feeling unheard about being jealous

[Boom1234]

Long story short, my current partner had to attend a work conference over a few days which was also being attended by their ex affair partner from when they were in a previous relationship.

I have expressed understanding that it is something they have to attend as part of their current role. The issue I have is that I brought up that I didn’t like the thought of them being in the same place over a few days as someone they had had a strong emotional connection with and that I’d prefer for them not to be alone together at any point. The response I was hoping for was some reassurance that it was a long time ago and that there is nothing between them anymore etc etc. Instead, I got told they feel I don’t trust them and later on got sent photos to prove they’d gone back to their hotel room without anyone.

I told them how uncomfortable this made me, I absolutely do not need proof that they went back to their hotel room alone, I hadn’t asked for this but it made me feel like an absolute rubbish partner because their interpretation of my feelings was that I didn’t trust them. After a discussion when they got home I reiterated that I was hoping for some understanding and reassurance at the time but the accusation that I don’t trust them has made me feel I can’t share any vulnerable or jealous feelings without being accused of not trusting them. I explained that I understood it wasn’t optional for them to not go, and I know it would be expected they socialise in the same group whilst there, I just didn’t think it was a particularly unreasonable emotional reaction to not be completely happy about it.

AIBU in thinking I should be able to share these feelings without being accused of not trusting them?

I'd be feeling that you didn't trust me if you made a big thing of me going on a work trip with an ex girlfriend.

It's work, around people your partner has to work with day in day out. I had a job where I spent at least 100 nights away from home often with colleagues, and it clients. In a work.hard play hard, your with clients so stick it on the corporate card...only once is over 10 years did I see anyone act inappropriately, it was not reciprocal and she resigned shortly after having had disciplinary action against her.

So, as far as you know, your partner never cheated on you. But did cheat previously, and that relatoinship broke down. And now you have said that you don't want your partner to be "alone" with the affair partner at a random work event years later ?

Yeah, I'd also read that as you not trusting me. Your insecurity and jealousy is YOUR issue to deal with. Not his (or hers).

I read it that the partner had cheated in a previous relationship and it was the person they had the affair with that was at the conference.

OP, occasional reassurance is normal in romantic and non-romantic relationships, but is this the first time that this conversation has come up? In my experience when people get upset/angry about someone seeking reassurance it’s usually when it’s been a repeated topic for a while.

On the surface sending you those photos is an overreaction, but do they maybe feel that this is an old conversation that keeps resurfacing? Also did you have the conversation before they left but then carried it on once they were there? Because that might well be a trigger for them to get annoyed.

I’m sure you can see why they feel they are not being trusted? If they were being trusted it wouldn’t have even come up as an issue, you would have just let them get on with their work conference. It sounds like you need to have a proper conversation with them about it once and for all, because them having to reassure you each time they are away or this person comes up at an event is going to be wearing and exhaustive for both of you.

I'm with your partner on this!
You don't trust him.

I get it. If I get jealous about something , i expect my partner to be compassionate about it.

Sorry but this is your issue. If I were your partner I would think you didn’t trust me either.

I would try not to show jealous feelings, it’s not attractive.

Why would him being in the same room as her be a problem if you trusted him? You don’t trust him and you need to admit that so you can work on it.

Either that or you were fishing and you need to ask yourself why your insecurities are his responsibility.